I have made it a priority to make eye contact to everyone whether it be an unknown stranger or a colleague in every setting. My eye contact, as it’s been said to me from friends, is intimidating and fosters an uncomfortable feeling for the other party(ies). I have always lived by the mantra that strong eye contact, confidence, and honesty are the best methods of creating a presence (goes back to my Ayn Rand readings). Any suggestions from the WC crowd as to enhancing your image while public speaking, presenting, or even just a pass by. In addition, thoughts on intimidation. Is this something I should work on or should I utilize it to my benefit?
No offense, but if that’s your priority, then I would re-examine your priorities.
But then again, I’m 6’3", and am pretty hefty, so people tend to notice my presence anyway.
ok, Im actually really big on this. It goes a really long way with women, Im srs. Make eye contact and hold it. Will post more later, busy rt now.
I would love to hear you say, “it puts the lotion on its skin”.
They say you should hold eye contact for 3 seconds to each person (if possible) while delivering a presentation. Remember to smile as well otherwise it’ll look like you’re mean muggin’ them.
#BSDtalk
So what other social skills do you take from Ayn Rand? This would be a great thread. I think it’s great you’re making an effort to connect with everyone in the room, but I wouldn’t make it such a priority that you come off creepy. 2 cents.
Study Vladimir Putin. He is not a physically very dominating person. Can he command a room though?
Presence is not defined size, though size often creates a fallacy of confidence. Next time you take a walk just make eye contact with everyone who passes you, and as sys mentioned not just a glance but to hold the intimacy, for lack of a better term. Observe what occurs, 99% will look away, look back at you, and look away while involuntarily doing some nervous physical reaction (they grab their cell phone, reach into their bag, spark up a convo just to alleviate their state of being. Once this occurs, you own them. They are subservient towards you subconsciously and your presence has been defined and awarded superiority. I use this while presenting as well and thus, I arrive back at my original post.
You’ll get arrested!
^that’s not always the case. there was a dude i went to college with who would hold eye contact for a while and say nothing. he was from the north country and i believe was the product of in-breeding. he didn’t exhude superiority over anyone, just gave people the douche chills. maybe that’s what you’re confusing with “subservience”.
…or else it gets the hose again…
YOOOOOOOO. WHAT?!!!?!?!?! LOLOL. Dude you’re looking into this WAY too much. If someone is staring at you and you look away and they’re still staring at you it’s not that the person is now “being subservient” to you. They’re probably thinking you’re autistic and don’t understand social norms. If not that they’re probably thinking you’re a serial killer or someone who wants to have sexual relations with them.
It’s definitely important to connect with people on a personal level in a meeting. Look them in the eyes and smile, give them a slight nod while they walk by you, say hello, etc. The logic behind “first one to look away loses” makes no sense to me. If this is really something you do in a business setting I would think it’s actually hurting you. I understand you’re trying to be a “strong presence” but it probably comes off as over compensating. Let your ideas and personality speak for you.
Studies seem to show that after three seconds, holding eye contact gets awkward. You may think it means superiority or submission, but they may be writing you off as weird. Eye contact for longer than that tends to get interpreted either as the staring person thinking: “I want to f-k you” or “I want to kill you.”. It’s a bit different for women and women because women tend to look at each other more directly when talking.
That said, short periods of eye contact are good for building rapport.
The fact that you’re so concerned about dominance is a little odd, but you wouldn’t be the first to be driven by that.
If you want to command a room, take some acting classes and learn about building stage presence.
This started just as a social experiment that I wanted to play with but I have had success with it leaving aside the intimidation aspect which I suppose could be confused with a serial killer characteristic. Before writing it off, I suggest you try it out and see firsthand the results.
Bchad – do you remember where you read the studies? I would be interested in reading it.
Next time you shake hands with a stranger, hold on for 10 seconds. Observe their reaction.
I dare someone to do this.
I didn’t read them, but I did have a conversation about this with a friend who’s a licensed social worker and who talked about eye contact research that she was reading when she was licensed.
I later acted on some of her advice and found it remarkably useful.
I’ve had someone do that to me. Shortest way to piss me off.
Next time you are at the gym and a stranger asks you to spot them while they lift, help them, but then hold yourself in their presence for the next ten minutes without saying anything. Observe their reaction.
I experimented with this when I was first meeting lots of CEOs who were more than twice my age. It’s difficult to have credibility when there is such a big age gap even if you know what you are talking about but you can close that gap by acting appropriately.
A few things I realized:
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Some people are going to be a douche no matter what you do, you just have to accept this and work around it. There are some people who are so pathalogically douchey that I wonder how they even function in society. Not my problem though.
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In the business world at least, people don’t like it when you get into a staring contest or try to piss on their leg with your body language – most people are reasonable human beings and this is a big turn off. Trying to be super alpha guy just makes you seem like a douche, although some people can’t help themselves (see #1 above). Remember, no one HAS to be helpful, and if they don’t like you, they won’t be.
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I personally have the best results by leaning back in the meeting and maintaining a kind of engaged but not overly serious demeanor. I think you want to be firm and look people in the eye with a good handshake and be direct when you talk, but not be rigid or try to intimidate anyone (no one who is any good is intimated anyway).
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There are lots of a-holes in the business world. You’ll go 3x as far by not being an a-hole, being friendly and using some humor.
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If you know what you are talking about and ask good questions, it does’t matter how “alpha” you are as long as you don’t come across like a wimp. The ability to command attention comes from knowing what you are talking about, not flexing your muscles and being a super badass.
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Play the person across the table from you. If you’re talking to someone who is a super douche alpha wannabe, make awkward eye contact and smirk whenever they start talking like you’re holding back laughing at some inside joke. This is incredibly unnerving.
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The most alpha people (I’m talking about people who make 9 or 10 figures a year) don’t feel that they need to intimidate anyone and they know it’s counter productive anyway. The wealthiest financier I personally know well (net worth >$500mm) is the smoothest person I have ever met when it comes to speaking or interviewing people.
If you grab my hand for 10 seconds while locking in an intensely piercing frozen stare, my most probable immediate reaction would be a sincere concern you are experiencing a mild stroke.