It seems that with every passing year, I have more and more friends that are getting married. I like to be a good friend and try to attend all of them, if possible. However, in some cases, the weddings are in a location that is not easily accessible, and where the timing of the event gets tricky.
One such wedding is coming up later this year. The bride and groom are pretty good friends of mine, and I have known them for years. The problem is that it is a cross-country flight (6 hours each way) and would take another two hours by car to get there. I would fly in Saturday just in time for the wedding that evening, then fly out the next morning. I only know a couple people going besides the bride and groom, and I would be going by myself. I am not in the wedding party.
Instead of attending, I would still send a generous gift, one that would be much more substantial than what I could give if I also took the time and travel to get there. On one hand, part of me feels selfish for contemplating not attending, because this is a very special time in the lives of a couple friends; on the other hand, it is also pretty far away. The location was chosen because it’s close to thier families, but the couple actually lives a few blocks from me in Manhattan.
Do you ever feel bad about not attending a wedding? Also, for anyone here that is already married, how would you take it if a good friend out of 125-150 guests could not attend but still sent a nice gift instead? Would their reason for not attending make any difference, or would you have a strong preference for them to actually be there?
I hate all weddings, including my own. I don’t want to inflict that punishment on anybody, but I had to have two friends come and be groomsmen, and I had to have my immediate family come. I apologized profusely to them before, during, and after.
Give them an iPad, and have them connect you via Face-Time so that you can watch the wedding ceremony. Then give them a wedding gift equal to the amount you saved by not having to buy air fare.
You won’t get to flirt with the bridesmaids, but other than that, it’s win win win.
Generally I decline weddings that require significat travel unless I decide to extend the trip with a vacation day or two. Went to New Orleans last weekend for a wedding actually. The bride and groom stated how grateful they were that I traveled to be there, but then again I love New Orleans and wanted to go.
I get the feeling that some people host their weddings in difficult to reach locations to keep the guest list down to family and very very close family friends. Very close family friends are generally in the wedding party, so I think you get a pass. Take them for drinks when the craziness subsides.
you should go and allow me to be your wingman. We’ll have a blast chasing some bridesmaid tail nearly identical to how my man Vinny Vaughn did, no homo.
buy them a nice present and take them out for dinner when they return? I think most couples understand traveling is an issue and factor that into their attendence expectations.
You’re basically looking at 9-10 hours in transit each way, so perfectly acceptable to decline the invitation. I imagine they suspect that you won’t make the trip and invited you as a courtesy (or they figure you’ll give them a nice gift, which appear to be a correct assumption). I’ve heard that some couples intentionally invite people they think won’t come just so they guilt them into sending a gift.
I would really try to go especially if they are good friends that you will invite to your wedding. I think you will regret it later in life and your friends will remember. As a person that has been married before, I do remember the friends who attended my wedding (most of the gifts I received are now kind of meaningless). If you travel a significant distance, your friends will remember that more than any lavish gift can buy. When I got married, I was fortunate that all my good friends attended (some from signifcant distances), but I would have been pretty hurt if they decided not to come due to travel (distance).
My post is assuming they are good friends. I always make my very best attempt to attend weddings of good friends. If they are not, than perfectly acceptable to not attend and send a gift (given the travel, expense and distance). It kind of depends on the strength of the relationship/friendship as to how far I would go to attend a wedding.
For better or worse, many of the friends that have been recently married have been just a bit far enough out of my circle for me to get an invite. I only attended one wedding last year and one this summer is upcoming. I have no problem attending, despite the few hours of travel, because they’re good friends and the weddings are places I want to go anyway. The one last summer was quite a short guest list, so it felt nice to be included.
As a married person, I can tell you that unless it’s your real BFF buddy, they will not care if you don’t show up. Between entertaining 100+ other guests, meddling from the in-laws, the bride freaking out at the last minute, and all the dysfunctional relatives who descend upon each other like so many bees, you are the last thing they are thinking about. Just send them a nice gift and be done with it.
Thanks for all the thoughts, guys. All makes sense. Nonetheless, the one feeling I have is the potential “guilt” of not attending their big day and that seems to weigh most heavily for me. I would say they are good friends, not necessarily my “inner circle” and perhaps that’s what makes me a bit indecisive about the whole thing.
Am I looking at this the wrong way? To ohai’s point, am I overestimating the importance of my presence at this wedding? I wonder if my declining the invitation might make them feel like I’m sending a “message” like their big day wasn’t important enough for me to attend, and it would be unfortunate if they concluded that I wasn’t a good friend for this reason. I would certainly want them to attend my wedding in the future, for whatever that’s worth - though it wouldn’t be a destination wedding either, and most likely just a train ride.
However, at the same time, maybe my presence won’t actually be missed that much, since I’m not part of the wedding party nor was I invited to the rehearsal dinner for that matter. Maybe some of the married folk here can opine.
A nice gift and a thoughtful card should cure any guilt you feel about not being able to make it along with any issues they may have with it – they’ll understand if they’re not looking for a reason to dislike you.
This is the kicker for me. Instead of spending $$$ to attend their wedding, send a generous wedding gift, then sometime after their wedding take them out for a decent dinner. You’ll spend 1/4 the money overall, and you’ll get 4x more actual face time with the couple.