Question for the peanut gallery. What’s the etiquette on approaching someone who you know is dating another person? Personally, I would certainly consider anyone married, engaged, or in a serious relationship (like six months) to be off limits. But what if the person of interest has only been dating someone for two or three months? Is it ethical to approach them? Obviously, since I’m posting this, I have some concerns that it is unethical, but on the other hand, I don’t know how serious a two- or three-month relationship can be. If the approach is turned down, that’s fine, but if the approach uncovers a mutual interest, then the existing relationship evidently wasn’t all that worthwhile anyway. Still, in my life I’ve usually let the relationships of other people evolve and shatter upon their own merits, without any influence from me. But as I get older, I have less patience for this kind of crap, yet I know a line has to be drawn.
Indirect approach is your best bet. I wouldn’t go direct
If the relationship is considered by both parties to be monogomous then injecting yourself aggressively would constitute tortious intereference (assuming that you were aware of said relationship). Otherwise free game.
I guess you flirt and see how much flirting you get back.
Make her boyfriend study for CFA.Take advantage of the gap then
Depends if the other person is giving you a positive vibe or not. If there is chemistry I say go for it. Most people are looking for something better. Maybe you’re better than what they already have.
Basically, what bchad said.
that can trigger a warning flag no? a woman who is obv in a relationship that constantly flirts and may be willing to take it further means you should probably lease, not buy. There’s always someone better out there no?
Sounds like you are proposing the policy of refusing to date someone who thinks you’re good enough for them.
You don’t do it.
Some more info on my specific situation. And I’d be particularly interested in bchad’s take since it involves one of his favorite hobbies.
Just over a year ago, I started learning a type of partner dancing, and I’ve gotten into it very seriously. I usually go to one or two social dances every week. The lady and I are regular attendees; she’s one of my favorite partners and I’m sure I’ve danced at least 200 songs with her. Yes, there’s chemistry. I don’t know her really well but I’ve talked with her a lot, we text, and I’ve been in position to observe her interact with other folks. I would say my attraction has grown steadily over the year-plus that I’ve known her.
The pisser is that I was seriously thinking of asking her out in the next couple weeks, but then this past weekend I went to a party with a bunch of the dance folks at someone’s house, and the lady shows up with a guy she’s been seeing at least two or three months, it seems. (Notably, she has never discussed her dating life with me.) Of course, he can’t dance a lick, but he seems like a very nice man and maybe he’s a great fit for her. Who the hell knows. But now that I know she’s been seeing someone, I can’t ask her out without risking looking like a d-bag. Also, I have to tread carefully because I don’t want to cause any issues in the dance community, which is very important to me.
+1
if there’s a dance community and you value that, are you willing to risk losing those friends?
The fact that you have danced with her 200 songs, texted and never found out / flirted or talked openly about her dating life is odd. I would have found this out on the first dance whether I was single or married. I would not openly ask someone out who I know is in a relationship/dating somebody. Hopefully it doesn’t work out with this guy and you can finally step up to the plate.
“Dance community”? Who are we kidding - those people are all banging each other.
If you genuinely like her, you pretty much have to be patient. Though the good thing is that if you are dancing with her regularly, you have a chance to interact with her in a way that is close and could develop feelings on her end. You can hint that if she were free again, you would be interested in going out, but a flat out admission that you should have asked her out before she was in the relationship will just bring out the question “well, why didn’t you?” which tends to make a guy look silly.
Her relationship with this other guy might go the distance; and it might not. Just be on the lookout. Generally the first fight in a relationshpi happens at around 3-4 months, because that’s when people get tired of being on their good behavior all the time. Meanwhile, be a good dance partner and make her feel good about herself - worst case, she tries to set you up with a hot friend of hers.
If you just want to sleep with her, then it’s a pretty douchebaggy thing to try to hit on her when she’s involved with someone else, but you wouldn’t be the first to try. However, being a cad is not a good thing to be known for in a dance community.
One thing about dance community stuff is that often times people go and eat or have a drink either before or after dancing. You might consider seeing if you can use these as opportunities to get to know her better and talk to her. It’s not guaranteed to develop into anything more than a deeper friendship, but it is a legitimate way to connect with her better.
It’s a tricky thing to date someone in a dance community. If things go well, that’s great, but if things go awkward, you find yourself standing on the opposite sides of the room avoiding each other for a while, and it feels like one is back in high school again. I haven’t decided it’s worth it or not. If you date someone who doesn’t dance, then you might have to deal with jealousy while you go dancing (assuming you genuinely enjoy dancing, as opposed to use it just as a method for meeting people - not that there’s anything wrong with that).
My current partner and I both dance, but we prefer different dances, so it seems to work out ok. We each enjoy the other’s preference, but we still have our own. It turns out to be a nice balance, because if we need some time to ourselves we can go do that, and yet if we want to go together, we can do that too. If we have a fight or break up in the future, we could still dance what we like without too much awkwardness about running into each other constantly. Each of us kinda knows that if we break up, it won’t take that long before others try to swoop in, and that actually seems to help keep us together better, because it keeps us from taking each other for granted. But it’s more luck than strategy that led to this outcome.
I’m curious which dance style you went for? Each community has its own personality and character. You can PM me if you don’t want to spill the details here.
^ +1
^^ LOL with ohai
+2
You’re telling me you danced with this woman 200x for a little under a year and the furthest you have gone is texting and thinking about asking her out over the next couple of weeks? Talk about not having any game. It doesn’t matter that her BF can’t “dance a lick” he closed the deal and now your trying to weasel your way in when after you blew your chance?
Hmmm. I’ve been deploying my “game” toward non-dancers all this time. Only recently have I felt the pull to do more with this particular person. Seems like it’s a case of bad timing.
Lots of fine, upstanding people in this place. You’re no fun at all.
As I said, by posting the topic I was revealing some of my own ethical concerns, and I believe I’ll abide by them. It’s the right thing to do, in any case, and I also don’t want to dirty my reputation in the dance community by doing something untoward. Since dancing requires interacting with many women, I was also interested in krnyc’s take.
And no, this is not someone I just want to sleep with. I wouldn’t approach anyone in the community unless I thought there might be some long-term potential. As I mentioned in other threads, I’m divorced and I’m looking for a couple key traits in any future partner: kindness and energy. This lady has these in buckets, and these qualities overcome her proclivity for exclamation points.
So, what I’ll do is focus on knowing her better as friends, which is fine. I think we can handle that wavelength easily. It’s rather strange, dancing. You dance with someone 200 times, and you can become very close to them in some ways, while barely knowing them in others.
Oh, the dance style I’ve picked up is west coast swing. For the uninitiated, this is very different from the swing dancing from the 1930s with the big band music. Think of partner dancing to contemporary pop music, blues, R&B, rap, etc., anything with a 4/4 beat. Tons of fun. Lots of variety in the music, lots of variety in how you can express yourself. Can find many examples of WCS on YouTube.