Shortly after the new year, I went on a date with a woman I met at the gym who I had been attracted to for a while, but had never talked to. I was in a long-term relationship that ended around the same time, and I really shouldn’t have even gone out, but I was feeling lonely and shitty about myself and needed some distraction/attention. This was selfish of me and I’ve come to regret both the decision to go out with her and also the train wreck of the date we went on. I didn’t do anything I would characterize as rude or cross any lines of humane conduct, but I was a total bore, talked about myself way too much and her not enough and was all kinds of bad nervousness. At the end of the date, I made some references to getting to know each other better and hoping to do this again. The date ended with a very mechanical hug and she said “I don’t know what I’m looking for right now.”
Since then when we’ve seen each other at the gym, two things have happened. 1) she ignores me altogether, or 2) we have a short, coridal “How are you today?” type conversation (always at my initiation, I’m just trying to be polite, nothing more). I’ve made a point not to cling or try to engage other than simple pleasantries. However, there is tension even in those short conversations and those of you who have been in a commercial gym know there are mirrors everywhere and I’ve caught her looking in my direction, not as a checking-out type of glance but the type of look that says “I need to know where this guy is because I don’t want to get caught off guard.”
Tied in with my guilt about the terrible way I’ve presented myself is that I am dealing with a ton of guilt over the end of my long-term relationship. I’m trying to work through it in healthy ways and am seeing a therapist to get some professional help. I’ve always had high standards for myself and I beat myself up big time when I fall short of expectations, no matter if the expectations are unrealistic.
So, now basically a month after the date, do you guys see any value in either apologizing in person or via text? Is there any reason to qualify my behavior (without deflecting responsibility - I own my actions, no one else) as owing to being in a shitty time in my life and having not been on a date in many years? Or am I simply trying to salve my own ego and I just need to suck it up and let it go?
Don’t start by apologising, and maybe try to avoid apologising directly, but there are still things you can do.
The next time you see her, find something to make her laugh. That will start to break the wierdness (as long as it the joke/whatever you choose doesn’t make you seem creepier).
You may need to do this on more than one occasion.
At some point once youv’e dispelled the wierdness, you can say something along the lines of “I was a complete wreck that time we went out, coming out of a relationship was really a dark point for me. Now that I’ve put my life back together again, I’d love to take you to X and it will be much more fun, I promise.”
Unless you were visibly offensive or rude to her, which you say you weren’t, I wouldn’t read too much into how she looks at you. It’s probably all in your head. Just be polite but move on - it’s a bad timing with that girl.
I should add that what I suggested isn’t guaranteed to work, but if you’re not ready to throw in the towel, that’s the approach I think would have the highest liklihood of success.
krnyc is right that lots of things in relationships are about lucky/unlucky timing.
A century ago, we lived in an agrarian society. Boys were raised working with their father, grandfather, uncles and other male figures. The little boy saw first hand what it meant being a man.
Nowadays, we have a bunch of “men” being raised by single mothers or a father that was raised himself by a single mother. These parents raise their daughters to be strong and independent (especially financially independent from men) but raise their sons to be overly sensitive and to be ashamed of their masculinity.
I don’t see what your issue is here? As long as you didn’t abuse her (physically or verbally) or touched her inappropriately, there’s nothing to apologize about. You are not her first nor last bad date. Stop feeling bad because she’s the one that feels ackward she now has to share a gym with you. Frankly, that’s not your problem and if it was really a problem for her she would change gyms.
Hey thanks to everyone that weighed in. The message I’m taking away from this is that I’m taking this shit too seriously, whether I want to pursue this woman or not.
I’m pretty sure it’s not my perfect pullup mechanics that are getting the weird looks. I know I know video or it didn’t happen.
FT my man I hear what you are saying and I’m trying not to be defensive about this but yknow what I was anything but masculine when I was with this woman. I was the epitome of what you are deriding - overly sensitive and too appeasing and it is for that that I am upset with myself. Also no one in my family tree was a single parent.
I’m dumbfounded how guys are so clueless. Whether you’re a CFA candidate in Istanbul, a hacksaw grad in Austin or an ab aficionado in Delhi, there is a universal truth.
Women want to be led by a man not chased around by a boy. They base their actions on emotions, not logic. This is why you will never win an argument with her. You must appeal to her feelings. When she acts up, withdraw attention. When she behaves, reward her. She knows she is irrational and will forever test your strength to make sure your integrity is not compromised. She wants to feel your masculine energy push back against her. Always remain the immovable oak tree in the face of a hurricane, the ocean rock in the face of 100 feet waves. The more you act like a cool, calm, secure, self assured man, the more she will be an adoring feminine woman.
Pay attention to what she does, not what she says. Lead her instead of asking for permission. Grab her hand and tell her where you are going. She is a guest in your world and you can continue on with or without her. She wants it that way. Never take advice from any women on how to treat women. They do not know what makes them tick. Tease her, challenge her, push her out of her comfort zone, keep her guessing, keep her wondering, never supplicate.
It’s not so much about money, looks or what you do for a living. She ideally wants those in a man but they are irrelevant if she is not attracted to you. Women want excitement, drama, unpredictability, they want to FEEL. FEEEEEEEEL. Make her jump through hoops for you then show her you appreciate her. They don’t want everything handed to them on a platter. She wants to feel there is something more to chase. It is ingrained in her DNA. Give her that opportunity by being the intoxicating confident jerk with a sprinkle of nice guy. Open the door for her and slap her on the a$$ as she walks through. Bring her on the verge of deeming you uncatchable and then do something sweet for reassurance. Always make her believe the best is yet to come and she will be forever yours.
You can talk about yourself all the time you want if you’re Donald Trump. His “am so rich” pick up line is the most successful ever; especially with Eastern Europeans.
For us normal people, we need to listen, empathize, and sympathize.
Just act normal as you’d never met. Real smiles (not creepy not made up not frequent) will not harm. Respect her personal space. If you are fast and have a good sense of humor, exploit the right moment.
If this doesn’t work, go to the bank, mortgage your house, buy a Ferrari, a gold chain necklace , and a silk Versace shirt. There’s a 20% chance that this will work. But she’ll know you have a small di#k though.