The good news is that you’re less than a year into the marriage and presumably don’t have kids. You have to put your foot down now and be prepared to walk away if she can’t change her ways.
So many things going on here.
First thing you need to do is combine accounts. You say that “she” borrowed from her parent and that “you” have home improvement loans. You’re using the wrong pronouns here, you both owe on home improvement loans and you both borrowed a ridicoulus amount of money (80K) from her parent for “home improvements.” Unless you make north of 500k GDB per year the spending you laid out is way out of line, the family loan in particular is crazy and you should try to either pay it back right away or just not take it and sell the home that needs repair (i believe you mentioned it’s a second).
Most people advise against combining accounts for obvious reasons but in my case I think it actually helped in limiting the spending. Before our accounts were combined my wife acted like we were still dating and the money I spent on her was coming from the outside so to speak. Now that it’s coming from the same place it’s a lot different, I mean essentially whatever we spend on her comes directly out of her account.
+1
I had a “starter wife”, and walked away about a year and a half into it, mainly for financial reasons. Best thing I ever did.
Stash away massive sums in a secret Swiss account, and don’t tell anybody about it ever. Hope for the best, plan for the worst!
With this crazy person??? No way!
This is a good time to remind you that 1/4 women are on mental health drugs with 1/4 being on anti-depressants alone in the 40-50 year old group.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/08/12/a-glut-of-antidepressants/?_r=0
This.
“This year we have been to, South Africa, Seychelles, Dubai, Brazil, Argentina, Paris (for her birthday) and Bruges. Now she wants to do Ibiza for our 1yr anniversary”
WTF?
My wife and I set up a specific savings account that we both contribute to equally at approxmiately $450 a month to equally fund our big vacations.
It took me several years to get my Wife on the same page as me financially. Everything she wanted to buy I rebutted with another big future expense that we won’t be able to afford if we take this trip, buy these expensive pair of shoes, upgrade our car etc.
I also spent the time showing her ‘the big plan’, we each created a monthly budget that we can use to spend on anything we want - shoes, clothes, expensive hair cut etc. If it’s not spent, it accumulates util spent. Everything else we decide on together, everytime. It was really hard at first but we’ve both been able to hold eachother accountable and the relationship has improved because of it.
I am not sure if combining accounts would be a good action in this case. What if the wife then started treating the whole pool as her dicretionary account? He has already mentioned that “i’m a saver and more frugal than my wife”, which I assume to mean that the wife already spends a high proportion of her own money. Given the wife’s behavior, it would be prudent to protect some assets from her.
I agree with the others that some outside intervention might be necessary. However, this is sensitive, as the wife will be mad if you she gets ratted out. Instead, this must be done in a careful manner, like perhaps nudging the parents to look into the loan circumstances in an “independent” way.
Hopefully, this can be fixed, since financial problems are a major source of marital distress.
Is there ever a bad time to relay this information?
I assume that wifey is extremely physically attractive, since this is presumably the only reason you are even considering continuing this marriage.
That, or her parents have connections to the Russian mob and will off you at the first tear that falls from her eye over you.
Why dont you just blow the money on the house before she can spend it on the trip? And say, there is literally no money left for the trip…too late b.
That suggestion relies on the assumption of non-leverage, which we know is not valid, given that she borrowed 80k pounds from the parents. Also, OP is concerned that the wife is drawing from their savings to finance vacations and other leisure spending. The money is there… somewhere. Anyway, tough situation.
^ @Pokhim - if you need 80 pounds, come see me. I have some extra ones that I’m trying to get rid of.
Choose your wife carefully.
How many years married are you now S2000? I remember you had a big benchmark recently?..
If you could offer any further advice on your patience and negotiaion skills then I would be most greatful.
FTFY
It will be 36 years this December.
It’s weird: I met my wife in January, 1979, got engaged in April, 1979, and got married in December, 1979. Eleven months from meeting to being husband and wife. Everyone said it wouldn’t last. They may have been right: it’s only lasted 35⅔ years. So far.
My advice: talk about everything. Everything!
The (Presbyterian) church at which we were married required couples to go through pre-marriage counceling with the pastor, usually an 8 - 10 hour process in 2-hour segments.
When we met with the pastor, he outlined the counceling, then started to ask us about various important issues that will come up in a marriage. After each question, our reply was, “We’ve already discussed that, and here’s what we’ve decided.”
After half an hour, he was out of questions. Fumbling, he asked, “Well, what if Marlana’s mother were out of work and had to come live with you?” (She was a member of the church, so he knew her well.)
In almost perfect synchronous, we replied, “No way!” I added that I would get a second job, if necessary, to pay her rent somewhere else.
His response: “Wow! You guys really _ have _ talked about everything!”
So, there you have it. Talk about everything.
Kids.
Money.
Religion.
Sex.
Hobbies.
Pets.
Where to live.
Work.
Money. (Yes, I know.)
Everything.
And . . . be flexible.
In April, 2004, my dear wife told me that we were going to take horseback riding lessons. (She’d ridden horses when in middle school.) (I had no interest in horses whatsoever.)
“Oh, we are, are we?”
“Yes, we are.”
The following Saturday, as I was driving us to the stable, I was thinking, “I can do this for a month, then figure out some way to get out of it.”
It took me 15 minutes to fall in love with horseback riding.
Three years ago, I was a member of a team that represented the United States in an equestrian world championship.
I cannot imagine a life without horses. We have two Arabians who are the joys of my life. When we lost Marlana’s mare 2½ years ago, I sobbed.
Be flexible.
Amen.
I was looking at it from my (and OP’s) point of view.
~ Wife = Troubles