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Jokes - Finance, CFA or Econ Related?

Anyone?

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As two Finance professors walk outside, they see a $20 bill. One of them thinks about picking it up but then changes his mind: “If it really were a $20 bill, someone else would’ve already picked it up.”

I have heard this one before.

A man walks into a New York bank, and says he’s going to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce.

The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, the man returns to the bank, repays the $5000 and interest of $15.41.

The loan officer says inquiringly, “Sir, we were delighted to have your business but, in checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5000?”

“Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for $15.41?”

maratikus Wrote:
——————————————————-
> As two Finance professors walk outside, they see a
> $20 bill. One of them thinks about picking it up
> but then changes his mind: “If it really were a
> $20 bill, someone else would’ve already picked it
> up.”

I prefer the version of this joke with a trader and a finance professor.

justin88 Wrote:
> I prefer the version of this joke with a trader
> and a finance professor.

You are absolutely right. I couldn’t quite remember the joke.

Oldie but goodie:

What’s the difference between the buy side and the sell side?

“On the buy side, you get to say F.U. before you hang up the phone.”

You want a quote?  Haven’t I written enough already???

Economists have forecasted 9 out of the last 5 recessions

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?” The mathematician replies “Four.” The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?” The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says “Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The accountant says “On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question “What do two plus two equal?” The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, “What do you want it to equal”?

Being Born Wealthy > Being Jewish or WASPY > Born Pretty > Top 5 MBA > CFA > Avg MBA > Born middle class > Born lower class > Born in crack house > Working in IT but looking to switch to buyside

Economics is divided into two major approaches: Microeconomics, and Macroeconomics.

Microeconomists are people who are wrong about specific things…

and Macroeconomists are people who are wrong about “things in general.”

You want a quote?  Haven’t I written enough already???

A student falls asleep in a Milton Friedman lecture. Old Milt, not feeling too happy about this, waits for the student to wake up, then asks the student “Can you please provide the answer to my last question”. The student says “Well I didn’t hear the question, but the answer is ‘increase the money supply’ ”.

Three economists are out hunting, and see a bear. The first shoots, and misses 20 yards left. The second shoots, and misses 20 yards right. The third says “We got him!”

A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island, with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, “Lets smash the can open with a rock.” The chemist says, “Let’s build a fire and heat the can first.” The economist says, “Lets assume that we have a can-opener…”

you basically need to come from a target school pedigree/work at prestigious firm in the US/have a really good connection.

- AF hivemind

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February. – Mark Twain

I had this in an e-mail somewhere. I enjoyed it. Happy friday…

Christian Farmer: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

Republican Farmer: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

Democrat Farmer: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

Communist Farmer: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government seizes both and provides you with milk.

Fascist Farmer: You have two cows. The government seizes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Democratic Farmer, American Style: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

Bureaucratic Farmer, American Style: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

An American Farmer: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. You hire a consultant to find our why the cow dropped dead.

A Japanese Farmer: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ that you market worldwide.

German Farmer: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

Italian Farmer: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch.

Russian Farmer: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

Mexican Farmer: You think you have two cows, but you’re not sure. You don’t know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

Swiss Farmer: You have 5,000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others.

Brazilian Farmer: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon, you have 1000 cows, and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

A Chinese Farmer: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A Serbian Farmer: Your farm had two cows, both were stolen during the war. They are still in your books and you have to pay taxes for them. During privatization you could sell them to an investment fond from Cyprus. Now you import milk from Cyprus at world market prices and sell them for double the money to the EU. This brings you a profit of 5000 € annually. You build an administrative headquarter for your milk business worth 5 million Euro.

A Montenegrin Farmer: You had two cows. Five years ago you forgot about them and they died of hunger. Now you claim EU subsidies for the milk for the last five years. You do not get it, but use the proceeds to buy a motorcycle for your three-year old son.

Enron Farmer: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

An Iraqi Farmer: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy. Hooray!

A New Zealand Farmer: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

Leveraged Buyouts

You have two cows. You come home from the fields one day to find Henry Kravis chatting to your spouse at the dining-room table. Two days later, you have no spouse, no farm, and no table. Two guys the size of sumo wrestlers have saddled up the cows and are riding them around the farmyard.

Currency Market

You have two cows. China has 1 trillion cows. Guess who sets the price of milk?

Bond Market

You have two cows. One is Brazilian, one is Australian. They yield 25 quarts of milk per day. That’s half as much as three years ago, when you traded your less-lactiferous German and U.S. cows for them. You are thinking of swapping for a pair of Namibian cows. They only have three legs but, hey, they produce 26 quarts per day.

Derivatives

You have two cows. You repackage five of them into a Collateralized Lactating Obligation, pay for a AAA credit rating, slice the CLO into 10 pieces and sell it to investors, skimming the cream from the milk for yourself. Three of the cows fall ill, and the credit rating plummets. You get to keep the cream.

Hedge Funds

You have two cows. A guy in an open-necked shirt drives up in his Bentley and offers to take care of them for you in return for a year’s supply of steak and 50 percent of their milk. They won’t be allowed to leave his compound for two years.

Six months later, you have half a cow, producing sour milk. “You have to be willing to lose rump today to get rib-eye tomorrow,” the hedge-fund guy mumbles through a mouthful of sirloin and champagne.

Economics

Assume two cows.

Carbon-Emissions Trading

You have two cows. They produce 1.2 tons of methane gas per day. After a hefty donation to the re-election campaign of your local representative, the government gives you enough emission permits for six cows. You sell three permits, buy another cow, and apply for a European Commission grant to build a methane-gas power station.

Microsoft Corp.

You have one old, tired cow. A recent heart transplant may have come too late to save the beast.

Google Inc.

You have no cows. You slap advertisements on everyone else’s cows. The milk floods in. You use the proceeds to reinvent the cow.

Apple Inc.

Nobody wants your cows. You design the cutest little milk bottle. Now, everybody wants your cows.

Goldman Sachs Group Inc.

You have 26,467 cows. They are strapped into the milking machines 24/7. Some of them have more hay than they could ever hope to eat. Others aspire to one day having more hay than they could ever hope to eat. The cows with the most hay end up with big government jobs.

Pension-Fund Management

You have two cows. How boring is that? You pay a month’s supply of milk to a consultant, who advises you to sell one cow and buy two aardvarks instead. The aardvarks die. The consultant charges you four months of your (now reduced) milk supply and advises you to sell half of your remaining cow and buy a wombat. The wombat dies. The consultant charges eight months of milk for a copy of his new report, “Two-Cow Strategies for Alleviating the Impending Pensions Crisis.”

Russian Energy

You have two cows. Comrade, those cows are an environmental hazard. We suggest you hand one of them over to us.

Credit-Default Swaps

You have two cows. You buy insurance against them dying, and tuck the contracts into the middle of that tottering pile of documentation on your desk. One dark night, Henry Kravis sneaks off with your cows. By the time you track down the paperwork, your now worthless contracts have expired.

Interest-Rate Swaps

You have two cows. You pledge one of them to me as collateral in a swap for some of my pigs. I pledge the cow to my neighbor as collateral in a swap for some of his sheep. He pledges the cow to his cousin as collateral in a swap for some of his cousin’s goats. Better pray the livestock market doesn’t crash and we have to try and round up that cow.

Commodities

You have lots of stocks and bonds, but no cows. Are you crazy? Cows are the hot new market. Here, buy this exchange- traded cow futures contract. It can’t lose. It gained 40 percent in the past six months.

Gold

You have two cows. You wear a cap you made out of tin foil so that the tiny black helicopters can’t read your thoughts. You spend your days blogging about how the government’s decision to abandon the cattle standard in 1933 was part of a global conspiracy by the world’s central banks to destroy the value of your herd.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.

One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it’s already burned out)

Iginla2010 Wrote:
——————————————————-
> How many stockbrokers does it take to change a
> light bulb?
> Two.
>
> One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the
> other to try and sell it before it crashes
> (knowing that it’s already burned out)

I find this joke entirely offensive. Stock brokers are an important part of the finance community and deserve the utmost respect.

there were two friends, one worked in IT, and the other was an engineer.
both of them really wanted to get into finance and after much research decided to take the CFA exam. both being very smart, passed in 2.5 years and began job hunting.

they could not get jobs in finance and remained in their respective fields.
they both ended up having decent lives, but wasted 2.5 years of their lives studying for the exam.

"I talk the truth only.two month ago I pass the exam to study the econmic master" - qqqbee, Sept 1, 2010

Danny Boy Wrote:
——————————————————-
> Iginla2010 Wrote:
> ————————————————–
> —–
> > How many stockbrokers does it take to change a
> > light bulb?
> > Two.
> >
> > One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the
> > other to try and sell it before it crashes
> > (knowing that it’s already burned out)
>
> I find this joke entirely offensive. Stock
> brokers are an important part of the finance
> community and deserve the utmost respect.

Good for you!

Danny Boy Wrote:
——————————————————-
> Iginla2010 Wrote:
> ————————————————–
> —–
> > How many stockbrokers does it take to change a
> > light bulb?
> > Two.
> >
> > One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the
> > other to try and sell it before it crashes
> > (knowing that it’s already burned out)
>
> I find this joke entirely offensive. Stock
> brokers are an important part of the finance
> community and deserve the utmost respect.

Cmon, a joke is a joke.

SuperiorReturn Wrote:
——————————————————-
> there were two friends, one worked in IT, and the
> other was an engineer.
> both of them really wanted to get into finance and
> after much research decided to take the CFA exam.
> both being very smart, passed in 2.5 years and
> began job hunting.
>
> they could not get jobs in finance and remained in
> their respective fields.
> they both ended up having decent lives, but wasted
> 2.5 years of their lives studying for the exam.

A joke has to be somewhat believable to be funny. This is way to far fetched. Find a way to work in an 18 year old, smoking hot farm girl and a hole in the guest bedroom wall and maybe it would be believable.

This space available.

Two mathematicians walk into in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer “one third x cubed.”

She repeats: “one thir — dex cue?”

He repeats “one third x cubed.”

“One thir dex cuebd?”

“Yes, that’s right”, he says.

So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, “one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd… one thir dex cuebd…”

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks “What is the integral of x squared?”

The waitress says “one third x cubed” and while walking away, turns back and adds with a wink “…plus a constant.”

cityboy Wrote:
——————————————————-
> Danny Boy Wrote:
> ————————————————–
> —–
> > Iginla2010 Wrote:
> >
> ————————————————–
>
> > —–
> > > How many stockbrokers does it take to change
> a
> > > light bulb?
> > > Two.
> > >
> > > One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the
> > > other to try and sell it before it crashes
> > > (knowing that it’s already burned out)
> >
> > I find this joke entirely offensive. Stock
> > brokers are an important part of the finance
> > community and deserve the utmost respect.
>
> Cmon, a joke is a joke.

Apparently the sarcasm wasn’t strong enough.

OK, now i get it.

How many Argentines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Ans: None, the Hand of God will do it. :DD

Nice one Palantir!

A man flying in a hot air balloon realised that he was lost. He spots a man down below and descends. ‘Excuse me’, he shouts. ‘Can you help me ? I promised a friend that I’d meet him half hour ago, but I’m lost. Where am I ?’

‘You are in a hot air balloon’, the man below replied. ‘You are hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude’.

‘Thanks,’ replied the lost balloonist. ‘You must work in Operations.’

‘I do’, said the man below. ‘But how did you know?’

‘Well’, answered the balloonist, ‘Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it all, and the fact is that I’m still lost!’

‘And you my friend’, said the man below, ‘must work in Front Office’.

‘I do’, said the balloonist. ‘But how come you knew that ?’.

‘Well’, replied the man with his feet on the ground, ‘you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You made a promise which you are not going to keep, and you are now looking to me to solve your problems. And the fact is that you are in exactly the same predicament you were in before we meet, yet somehow all the blame is now being laid on me!’

^ Good one!

Hahahah that one’s great Mar.

No quote needed

mar350 Wrote:
——————————————————-
> A man flying in a hot air balloon realised that he
> was lost. He spots a man down below and descends.
> ‘Excuse me’, he shouts. ‘Can you help me ? I
> promised a friend that I’d meet him half hour ago,
> but I’m lost. Where am I ?’
>
> ‘You are in a hot air balloon’, the man below
> replied. ‘You are hovering approximately 30 feet
> above this field. You are between 40 and 42
> degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60
> degrees west longitude’.
>
> ‘Thanks,’ replied the lost balloonist. ‘You must
> work in Operations.’
>
> ‘I do’, said the man below. ‘But how did you
> know?’
>
> ‘Well’, answered the balloonist, ‘Everything you
> told me is technically correct, but I have no idea
> what to make of it all, and the fact is that I’m
> still lost!’
>
> ‘And you my friend’, said the man below, ‘must
> work in Front Office’.
>
> ‘I do’, said the balloonist. ‘But how come you
> knew that ?’.
>
> ‘Well’, replied the man with his feet on the
> ground, ‘you don’t know where you are, or where
> you are going. You made a promise which you are
> not going to keep, and you are now looking to me
> to solve your problems. And the fact is that you
> are in exactly the same predicament you were in
> before we meet, yet somehow all the blame is now
> being laid on me!’

…and they must both work for UBS because they’re in the middle of the ocean!

I was at the bank earlier today where there was a short line. In front of me was an Asian lady trying to exchange Thai baht for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated about something so I leaned forward to listen.

She asked the teller, ‘Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo baht. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?’ The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Uh? Fluctuations.’

The Asian lady, looked ready to explode. Incensed, she screamed back at the guy ‘Hey, fluc you white people too!’…