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How To Recruit The Perfect Hire

In these days of psychometric profiling, assessment centres and all the other sophisticated methods now at the disposal of firms to identify what makes a critical hire, there are also several alternative means by which to identify that perfect new recruit. And more forward-thinking investment banks and fund managers are increasingly using some of these techniques to bring on board top talent.

The use of calligraphy is making a comeback. Firms like the old SG Warburg and Mercury Asset Management would often use handwriting analysis to gain insights into the personality of a candidate. Interestingly, this method is said to have been introduced into Warburg as old Sigmund himself is believed to have enjoyed a very close and longstanding relationship with a woman who ran a company which provided handwriting analysis for corporates.

Now many firms are also using the signs of the zodiac to identify top talent. An Aries, for example, is a can-do person, someone born under Cancer will usually make a good team player, whereas a Scorpio will generally be straight-talking and might not always get on well with others.

Using an ouija board is also becoming a quite popular recruitment tool. The dead often have a better perspective on the suitability of a new hire than the living, but this method does need to be used somewhat selectively. It is not always advisable talking to those on ‘the other side’. Some of the spirits that come through are deceased recruitment consultants, trying to get back in on the action. And they are about as good in death as they were in life - ie absolutely no good.

And, for those really heavyweight hires, some investment banks are literally getting out the scales. There is now a school of thought, backed up by scientific research which recently came out of the US, which suggests that there is a direct correlation between the weight of a candidate and his/her suitability for a senior role. The theory goes that the fatter you are, the more likely you are to successfully hold down a big job.

Firms are also using a variety of other faddish recruitment tools to identify new talent - including assessing the strength of a candidate’s handshake, the size of a candidate’s feet and, that old chestnut, tossing a coin. The game of musical chairs is also a popular means to identify new staff. This involves getting a batch of candidates in a room with the on-site recruiters, who will operate the music and provide the chairs. The candidate who is seated when there is but one chair remaining is hired. Rumours that some firms are selecting staff by means of a ‘blind man’s bluff’ recruitment game are thought to be a little wide of the mark.

Although a little cranky, all these recruitment methods are thought to be just as effective as those used by many investment banks and fund managers these days, especially firms who simply line up countless untrained line managers and other staff to pick holes in candidates at ‘interview’. And the process is a whole lot quicker too.

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Can I have the two minutes of my life back that I wasted reading this post?

I was sure I was wasting my time when I got to the astrological signs paragraph, but then I decided that there was quite a lot of truth to the post.

I plan to make all future hires based on the multiplication of the number of connections on linkedin by the weight of all his clothes cubed. The candidate will then join me in sacrificing his pets to the gods of Tangdoos and Doorglass.

you guys have it all wrong. you need to make candidates eat as much as they can, run as far as they can, have arm wrestling contests sh!t like that. thats how you find the ones that really want the job.

I enjoy the fact that Zappos offers their new hires $1,000 to quit after 30 days. That’s not a perfect way of weeding out people who aren’t enthused about the job, but it’s a pretty good start.

I like the flipping coins method, especially for prop traders.

Since there is so much luck involved in investment performance, I want to choose candidates with the most luck. So I’ll flip coins and pick the candidates with the top 5% of heads. Since they were the luckiest on the coin toss, they’re guaranteed to be the luckiest with their trades.

I’ve patented my method, so anyone else who’s doing that owes me a lot of money.

You want a quote?  Haven’t I written enough already???

two words: bake-off

this will encompass measurement, timing, marketing and above all - icing

Source?

Also, everyone knows that dance-off is the most appropriate way to hire people. That or fight to the death.

“Visit the Water Cooler forum on Analyst Forum. It is the best forum.”
- Everyone

mar350 Wrote:
——————————————————-
> two words: bake-off
>

But guys wouldn’t stand a chance then

ohai Wrote:
——————————————————-
> Source?
>
> Also, everyone knows that dance-off is the most
> appropriate way to hire people. That or fight to
> the death.

Good thing I just had to have a jump rope endurance test. I couldn’t do a dance off and I definitely cannot fight.

Hard to top this for candidate selection. Especially for SS roles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InIxKCa3H9g

You want a quote?  Haven’t I written enough already???

see who can build the tallest house of cards?

I would say the author has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.

ohai Wrote:
——————————————————-
> Source?
>
> Also, everyone knows that dance-off is the most
> appropriate way to hire people. That or fight to
> the death.

Oops, normally quote it. It was from Here is the City.com. I was intially concerned as I have terrible hand writing (can’t even read what I write…) before realising it was a wind up. That said the conclusion is still funny & true:

‘Although a little cranky, all these recruitment methods are thought to be just as effective as those used by many investment banks and fund managers these days, especially firms who simply line up countless untrained line managers and other staff to pick holes in candidates at ‘interview’. And the process is a whole lot quicker too.’

Muddahudda Wrote:
——————————————————-
> ‘Although a little cranky, all these recruitment
> methods are thought to be just as effective as
> those used by many investment banks and fund
> managers these days, especially firms who simply
> line up countless untrained line managers and
> other staff to pick holes in candidates at
> ‘interview’. And the process is a whole lot
> quicker too.’

agreed. people do get too stuck up on saying what the hm wants to hear rather than the truth, anyway. keep it simple; pics of their wives.