Our compliance officer (old female shouting at the copier): “Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper!?!?” I couldn’t help but chuckle in my cube.
Kevin Malone: (after getting the results of his skin cancer test) It’s negative! Michael Scott: God…we’re gonna beat this, OK? C’mere…(hugs Kevin) later on… Michael Scott: Well apparently in the medicine community, negative means ‘good.’ Which makes absolutely no sense. In the real world community that would be chaos.
Michael Scott - “There were these huge bins of clothes, and everybody was rifling through them like crazy, and I grabbed one. And it fit! So I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual…Negotiations are all about controlling things. About being in the driver’s seat. And make one tiny mistake, you’re dead. I made one tiny mistake. I wore woman’s clothes.”
“Well, I hate my job and every day of my life is worse than the day before. So every day you see me, is pretty much the worst day of my life.” “Is today the worst day of your life?” “Yeah, it is.” - Office Space…brilliant
Lester: How long have you known the plaintiff? Michael: I haven’t actually seen it. But I have seen the Firm, and I am planning on renting The Pelican Brief Lester: How long have you known Ms. Levinson? Michael: Six years and two months. Lester: And you were directly under her the entire time? Michael: That’s what she said. Lester: Excuse me? Michael: That’s what she said. Lester: Ms. Levinson told you she was your direct superior? Michael: Uh, wh-why would she say that? Jan: Can we just move on to another question? Diane: No wait, I don’t understand. Who’s on record on saying this? Lester: With all due respect, I’m in the middle of a line of questioning. Now Mr. Scott, what did you say Ms. Levinson said? Regarding your employment status with respect to her corporate position. Michael: Come again? That’s what she said? I don’t know what you’re talking about. Jan: Okay, if I may, he was just telling a joke before, so can we move on to another question? Lester: Oh, are you sure? Jan: Uh, yes. Lester: Can you go back to where this digression began? Deposition Reporter: [reading off paper] Mr. Schneider: And you were directly under her the entire time? Mr. Scott: That’s what she said. Michael: Well, delivery is all wrong. She’s butchering it.
“Mrs. Allen is our most important client. Because, every client is our most important client. Even though she’s a pretty unimportant client, really.” - Michael Scott
“If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.” David Brent, The Office BBC I obviously did not follow this advice.
Michael Scott - “Don’t think of it that way. It’s like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there’s no controlling it. It just… goes”
“I took a box of Dwight’s stationary, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future.” - Michael * Dwight receives fax* ‘Dwight, At 8 am today someone poisons the coffee. Do Not Drink the Coffee! More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight’ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGXKCtHooHA
Actually that quote should be attributed to Jim, not Michael 
Bankin’ Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > “I took a box of Dwight’s stationary, so from time > to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From > the future.” - Michael > > * Dwight receives fax* > > ‘Dwight, > > At 8 am today someone poisons the coffee. Do Not > Drink the Coffee! More instructions will follow. > > Cordially, > > Future Dwight’ > > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGXKCtHooHA
“Would you mind leaving me the cruller, it’s the only doughnut I like” In the Company of Men.
“I tried pot six times” My boss’ boss’ boss
artvandalay Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > My boss’ boss’ boss You mean the Assistant to the Regional Manager?
“Drug testing? Sure, we could start drug testing here. What drug do you think we should start with?” My old boss…
wanderingcfa Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > “Drug testing? Sure, we could start drug testing > here. What drug do you think we should start > with?” > > My old boss… that;s a good one.
Used to have two cars, traded them in, now we’re down to one. Good economic sense. Although the new car is a Porsche. For her. -Michael Scott