^As CvM would say, “Respect.”
I think men in general have no idea how much a supportive spouse will help propel their career forward. And for that matter, most wives don’t know how important they are either. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the support of my wife.
Like an old Marine Master Sergeant told me once, “You should be nice to your wife. Remember–she controls half of the money and all of the pussy that you’re even gonna get.”
Glad to hear that guys - I didn’t want any fellow AFers to be taken advantage of.
My husband and I have stuck with the theme of traditional gifts - it makes it much easier to at least have a starting point. Obviously, you can then interpret the traditional theme in a way that’s personal and unique to your relationship.
That said, the traditional gift for 4th anniversary appears to be fruit/flowers? Hmmm… I would advise this - as long as it’s a gift that you put thought and effort into, your wife will be happy. I like the spa day idea - maybe if you have someone to watch your kids, a weekend away to a nice spa hotel? If that would break the bank, I would say take the day off from work and do something special - a nice brunch and a place she has been wanting to go to, maybe a show or something like that?
If all else fails, you cannot go wrong with a tasteful piece of jewellery.
Good luck!
For people with busy schedules, a gift that allows them to spend time together and share in the enjoyment is always great. Along with the material component of it, you give her the gift of your undivided attention that she deserves. So spa with couples treatment sounds good, or tickets for a concert or play you both would like to see, or a quick weekend getaway to some B&B joint, stuff like this
The whip pic was hilarious.
I’ve mentioned this before: spa is a sure win. If she likes wine make sure it’s included in the gift. BUT, don’t do that too often, otherwise you’ll be setting the bar too high and will regret that down the road. If you’re rather inconsiderate most of the time but play the spa card at the right time, it’s a winner. You’ll need to forget the next important date altogether to compensate this last good gift and therefore maintain low expectations.
Pretty sure that if I read a love poem like bchadwick suggested, my wife would become suspicious and accuse me of having an affair.
This is the nicest thread on AF
Here’s a tip people: as IEV says, you MUST try to maintain low expectations.
If you literally try to one-up the amazing thing you did last time, you’re setting yourself up for disaster. It’s like saying the “Love” word (if you’ve reached there). If you blast it out every time you talk to her, you lose that huge piece of currency you can use for when you F’ed something up. If she’s used to hearing it, it won’t mean jack. But if you rarely say it and totally mess up something, it gets far greater weight and a emotional response.
Same with gifts & expectations… You must be smart people. Or be whipped.
BChad’s inner player is coming out!
I passionately disagree with this. Your strategies are more manipulative and more about how to make life easier for yourself than it has to do with anything else. I know exactly what you mean by its zeal wearing off. OF COURSE if you hardly say I love you or you look pretty, then when you do say it, it has a greater effect. But good grief, you might as well starve your kids while you’re at it too so they’ll be more likely to enjoy whatever it is you give them to eat. That’s not love, man, that’s selfish.
For the average woman, I guarantee you she would be overall much more satisfied in a relationship if the I love you’s and the you’re beautiful’s come frequently (not obsessively, obviously) than if you were to hold them back for when you really want it to count. I have no doubt in my mind about that. AND, there are so many ways to say I love you. That being said, I’m not the best at taking my own advice.
Another thing, who in the world says you have to top what you did the previous time? You think her expectations will be high? It’s fairly easy to lower them just in conversation. I do it all the time. You can get creative with how you surprise her each year too. One year, an amazing gift. The next year, an amazing date night and gifts. The next year, you cook her a very nice meal with candles and gifts. The next year, you make her something that took a long time for you to do. The next year, show up at her work to surprise her with flowers (can’t forget the gifts). Man, I could go on and on… you just have to get creative. Trying to maintain low expectations may be important for the reaction you want to get, but NOT BY UNDERDELIVERING most of the other times…
A constant stream of "you’re beautiful"s and "I love you"s are always appreciated by women.
Why? Because when men say “I love you,” they feel that it is a statement about the present and a promise to continue feeling that way in the future. That’s why it’s so difficult for us to say (except if we’re just playing a game to get laid). So men tend to think “Why do I have to say it again? I already said it last Summer! Do you doubt me that much??”
When women say “I love you,” they basically mean “I love you right now.” They may hope to feel the same way in the future, but they don’t really think too much about whether loving you now obliges them to love you in the future. They may just change their mind, and sometimes do.
So men just need to learn to say “I love you” frequently, because she’s often worried that your feelings are going to change at a moment’s notice and so each time you say it, it’s like you reset the clock on her panic timer.
This also explains why - when a woman says “I love you” to a man, his reaction is often “why are you telling me this?” From there, men go into the greed/fear split of “Does this mean I’m going to get something special?” Or, alternately, “Does this mean she’s going to ask me to do something for her in return?”
Once you understand that “I love you” is different in a man’s mind than in a woman’s mind, it isn’t such a difficult thing to reassure your woman that you still love her. That’s what saying “I love you” is about, and that’s what anniversaries are about. She needs to know that you still love her, and as long as you do, you shouldn’t worry too much about confirming that. The reason most men think this stuff is silly is because we hear different things when we hear “I love you,” and don’t feel it needs to be reiterated as often.
^I agree with you, rayankh. However keep in mind that this is an online forum for finance BSDs runnin their mouths, and correspondingly no place to hate the playa when you could be appropriately hatin on the game instead.
talking pretty big for a guy who’s a student and 3 years in. You still got 50+ years to go, assuming you even make it to marriage.
That’s one way to look at it…
You say that as if I’m young and naive and am still in the honeymoon phase. That’s over, reality hit a while ago, rough patches and all - looking to propose sometime soon. What I said up there may be harder to follow as the years go on, but it will all still be true.
Aren’t things change after wedding? To me, it is more about gesture rather than the cost of the gift. If i like something, i either buy or ask him to buy irrespective of occasion. On anniversary or any other occasion, I expect him to do some nice things , go for a nice dinner. He surprises me once or twice in a year with something he knows I love to get. It is working so far.
I have always wondered why women are regarded as more romantic/emotional when it is the men who make the majority of the romantic gestures, write the most heart wrenching songs, paint the most tearful pictures, write the most memorable romantic/heartfelt poems/novels…why this inversion?
You are still young and naive. It hasn’t even begun dude. Emotion is notorious in blocking out all reason, so I’m not expecting to convince you of anything. You do what you want to do
What emotions do I have that could possibly be blocking out all reason? It could also be said that you clearly have emotive experiences that are biasing your reasoning.
Look, my philosophy comes from my own though certainly limited experience, from what I’ve read, and what I’ve heard from other couples. It seems pretty clear to me that actually trying to make a consistent effort and showing someone that you care about them all of the time will always be better for the overall health of the relationship than to just reserve your efforts for certain occassions. The whole notion of keep expectations low by your standards, I feel, is ridiculous. Isn’t it pretty obvious - why do you think the expectations are low?.. because on average that’s the level of effort/love/expression they experience: low. That can’t be preferable to consistency.
I feel like you’re thinking that I’m saying I will follow by this plan to a tee forever. No, probably not… it’s incredibly difficult. I’m saying regardless of how old I am, of how cynical I grow to be, or of how the relationship matures of the years, consistent love is better. If not, then I failed somewhere else in the relationship.
I think you’re on the right track rayankh. We all make mistakes here and there (not that I you’ve taked about any obvious ones yet). It’s important not to become too jaded over time like some people out there.
Finance is an industry that has people constantly evaluating how to get as much as possible while giving as little as you can to get it, or changing horses the moment the NPV=0.01. That’s a sensible approach for developing a stock portfolio, but a horrible attitude to have with someone you are trying to build a life and possibly a family with. Here you want to build trust, respect, and the comfort of knowing that you have each others’ backs.
A lot of people in the industry bring their work attitude home with them and are suprised when the people they live with finally say “enough,” and walk out. But a lifetime of being nickled and dimed and taken for granted is nothing anyone wants to sign up for.
First date: Want to split the tab?
Finance guy: Well, I carried a good amount of the conversation tonight, researched and chose the restaurant, so why don’t we go 60/40?