Legal Guidance

Water Cooler
#1

This goes out to all of you L1 candidates and other lawbreakers. Today is your lucky day. As a gesture of selflessness and grattitude, I will share with you all FREE legal advice gathered from the mean streets and law school of hard knocks that will keep your record clean and yo a$$ out of jail 99% of the time. Though it’s not foolproof, these methods will work in your favor more often than not.

  1. If you are 100% innocent, be 100% truthful when being confronted by police/authorities. This may go without saying, but if you have truly done nothing wrong, hold nothing back. Most cops are good guys and will appreciate the courtesy. While you do have the right to take the nickel, this will only bring on the appearance of guilt, make the cops upset, and probably be more of a hassle than it is worth.

  2. If you are kinda guilty for some petty ish, be 100% apologetic to your wrong. If you roll a stop sign, get busted going 11 over the speed limit, get caught peeing in an alley, littering, etc., then gracefully apologize and hope for courtesy on the other end with forgiveness. Cops have a hard job, and a big part of headache comes from dealing with aholes who give them a hard time when caught in the wrong, even for petty ish. If you come off as a polite person who acknowledges their wrong, often police will cut you loose and go after the big fish. Again, you can take the nickel, but it’s likely it will not land in your favor.

  3. If you are severely guilty for some ish, like seriously in the wrong caught red handed for drinking and driving, receiving stolen goods, accompanying a burglary, drugs, other felonies, etc, STFU! For real, take the nickel and demand to see your attorney. You may think you are smooth and can talk your way out of the situation, but you can’t. Cops will keep you talking in order to pin your story against later court testimony. Any deviation or loose details will make you look guilty and rendering an attorney’s efforts useless. Again, STFU, take the nickel, and get ready for the cheapest $800/hr. you’ll ever spend. It sure beats spending time in jail (been there).

There you have it folks; complete and comprehensive legal advice. Keep your nose clean, follow this guidance, and you’ll have minimal legal troubles in your life.

#2

If all else fails, remember this little jingle, “If you’re ever in a pickle, just remember to take the nickel.”

Also, this phrase is useful if you want to play power games with authorities.

“I refuse to consent to any search of my premises, the location of my arrest, my car or effects. I wish to exercise my rights under the Fifth and Sixth Amendments to remain silent and to have my attorney present during any questioning or lineup. If you ignore my exercise of these rights and attempt to procure a waiver, I wish to confer with my attorney prior to any conversation with the law enforcement agent on the subject of waiver.”

#3

Did you get a DUI or caught with drugs while driving?

I would add that if they insist on searching you and your vehicle you should ask them for, “P.C.” for the record.

I also believe that you should deny any serious allegations pretty much always. Don’t try to be friendly with the cop, just respectful.

“No, I have not sir.”

Jay-Z is wrong. They dont need a warrant to search you, just P.C… But if they have flimsy P.C. then they can’t really search you. So you can make a point of saying that you “do not consent” to the search, but if they have “P.C.” they don’t need your permission anyway. So don’t give it to them. If they bust into your car and find drugs on flimsy P.C. your attorney has a much better case than if you say, “Sure look around, Sir.” Most likely, unless the drugs are in plane sight a search will trigger 4th amendment “supression.”

Also, if they suspect that you have drugs they can’t make you wait forever for a K-9 unit to show up. That is unreasonable. If the cop happens to just have a K-9 unit then you are screwed. Otherwise, I’d make them wait it out. They will probably have to let you go as a K-9 unit doesnt just show up On Demand for these guys and holding you for no reason would trigger suppression.

It’s good to make a record of any exchange with the cop to keep a record of what he says and what transpires. If you ask him for P.C. and he doesn’t come up with good P.C. on the spot in your recording than that makes it harder for him to invent shit later on in a report If he holds you longer than what is reasonable for a routine traffic stop than that is also a trigger.

Also if he ass you, “Do you know why I have stopped you?” record this moment on your cell phone (You do not need his consent to record the conversation in NYC or NJ). Tell him, “No, why sir?” If he does not come up with good P.C. right then and there the rest of his search is likely to trigger 4th amendment suppression.

In order to be protected by the 4th you have to submit to his authority. That means don’t try running away. If you do that, then they can do whatever they want to you. If you stop though and submit to his authority then you are protected by the 4th amendment and that means the poor bastard is gonna have to prove whatever he does get against you in a court of law and that there was clear P.C… Much more difficult for him.

The fifith is great, but you gotta love the 4th.

#4

The year is ‘94 and in my trunk is raw In my rear view mirror is the mother fucking law I got two choices yall pull over the car or bounce on the double put the pedal to the floor Now I ain’t trying to see no highway chase with jake Plus I got a few dollars I can fight the case So I…pull over to the side of the road And I heard “Son do you know why I’m stopping you for?” Cause I’m young and I’m black and my hat’s real low Do I look like a mind reader sir, I don’t know Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo? “Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four” “License and registration and step out of the car” “Are you carrying a weapon on you I know a lot of you are” I ain’t stepping out of shit all my papers legit “Do you mind if I look round the car a little bit?” Well my glove compartment is locked so is the trunk and the back And I know my rights so you gon’ need a warrant for that “Aren’t you sharp as a tack are some type of lawyer or something?” “Or somebody important or something?” Nah I ain’t passed the bar but I know a little bit Enough that you won’t illegally search my shit “Well see how smart you are when the K-9’s come” I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one

#5

Yeah, I’m more with CT on this one. Talking your way out of a speeding ticket is one thing. Anything beyond that and you keep your mouth shut, know your rights, and get a lawyer.

The vast majority of trouble most AFers will get into will involve drugs and/or alcohol (hopefully nothing worse). No matter how smooth you think you are after a few drinks, you’re not. STFU, behave, and lawyer up.

And I also agree with CT that the 4th is the amendment is the one you need to be able to recite by heart.

#6

I was riding with my homeboy last year and a cop pulled us over for speeding. It was just after 2am and we were in a black impala SS with tinted windows but no rims. I was the passenger but yet he asked me for my ID? I complied but is this legal? I felt harrassed because I was only a passenger and he didn’t have cause. He ran our IDs and both came back clean. Then he told my home that If he allowed him to search the car, he would not wright him a ticket. He took the deal because we weren’t dirty.

Butt f**K town,

Southern State

#7

^ I’m not going to pretend that I know all the ‘can/cannot do’ of law procedure. But if you follow my guide and stick to #1, you’re good. Give the cop a hard time, and he’ll recourse with everything in his power.

While some cops are bad, most are overworked good guys who appreciate some courtesy.

#8

23 or 24 states have “Stop and Identify” laws which basically allow police to ask you for ID. The US Supreme Court upheld the right of states to pass such laws in Hiibel v. Nevada. So, you might have been in one of those states. The penalty for refusing varies by state and by situation.

#9

Tell us about this story, CvM. What did you do? How much time you got?

#10

Higgmond was right about stop and frisk. But the important thing to understand is that the cop can ask you for anything (including a confession). You do not have to give it to him but if you volunteer it then he can’t just ignore it. That’s why he has to read you Miranda Riights when he arrests you, because before that cops would pull all sorts of devious little tricks on ignorant po’ boys who didn’t know the law.

CFAvsMBA’s would say, “Oopps ossiffer, I dones gone and incrimidated myself, sheeeeeeet.”

People are too dumb to know their basic rights so they actually created a law forcing the cops to remind you of them when they handcuff you. God Bless America! Cops hate this law more than than they hate dry weddings.

Let me translate Miiranda from English into CFAvsMBA, in parentheses, for those who are confused. This shit can save you.

  • You have the right to remain silent. (Translation: You dont have to say nothing, Homey)

  • Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law. (Translation: If you open your damn fool mouf, po po can send you for the pen with it, so shut up)

  • You have the right to consult an attorney before speaking to the police and to have an attorney present during questioning now or in the future. (Translation: Wait until your Jewish lawyer gets there and let him do the talking like Avon Barksdales boys on The Wire did)

  • If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you before any questioning, if you wish. (Translation: Even if your black ass is broke, you still have the right to a lawyer, just not a slick Jewish one)

  • If you decide to answer any questions now, without an attorney present, you will still have the right to stop answering at any time until you talk to an attorney. (Translation: Even if you’ve been running your mouth, it’s never too late to shut it, boy, so shut it)

  • Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you willing to answer my questions without an attorney present? (Has your black ass been listening at all to what I just told you? Cause if you was then this would be a rhetorical damn question. Nope you weren’t listening? Ok great! Incriminate yourself.)

#11

I don’t often chuckle at anything…nice work CT. If we had an upvote system:

Patrick Bateman Upvote

#12

Let’s just say I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Back when I was 22 or so, I lived with a few roommates in a big party house. We’d have people over all the time for big parties No Limit Soldier style.

Some of my roommates dealt to earn some extra lettuce. I figured none of my business, and just went along, to get along.

One night we were having a low key night at the crib with a few girls, drinks, low music, the works. All of a sudden there is a loud bang on the door before it explodes open. It was like the movies with cops running in guns drawn. People who were not residents of the home were asked to leave leaving me and my 3 roommates with our hands up. A cop produces a warrant and the search progresses. And one thing lead to another with a large quantity of Mary Jane discovered, 20some ecstasy pills, an unregistered firearm, and roughly $11k in cash. All of us were booked and charged with possession of a controlled substance with intent to distribute.

I plead not guilty the next day before a judge, bail was set at $20k for me and away I went to prison.

Being I was a young buck, I was scared going to jail. After getting booked, I was issued a jumpsuit, flip flops, blanket, and pillow. Putting on the jumpsuit, I made my way to my cell. The pillow and blanket were jacked on the way leaving me to sleep on a cold ass bunk.

At lunch, I had a tray full of shtty looking prison food. I sit down among friendly looking people only to have my tray taken away from me. So much for lunch. This continued for a few days

Long story short, after a week, my mom bailed me out of jail after securing a bail bond. I couldn’t believe how freedom felt. At my first court appearance, I opted for a public defender and plead guilty to a controlled substance misd in exchange for no more jail time. I also cooperated all I could with the investigation since none of that ish was mine. I figured, like hell if I was going to catch flack. All of this ended and taught me some great life lessons.

First, blood is thicker than water. I called all of my ‘boys’ that I could when getting booked (you don’t just get one call FYI) and none of them would pony up the cheddar for a bail bond. Even the dime piece I was seeing backed out on helping out. My moms was the only one who came through.

Second, you may call me a snitch all you want. These ‘boys’ I thought were my friends were shutting the f up and willing to let me take the fall with them. Given I only lived with them and didn’t partake, nor benefit off the activity; I surely wasn’t going to spend time in the tank taking the fall with them.

Third, guilt by association is a real and often overlooked way to go down. While I knew these guys, had fun partying with them, and enjoyed the good times, they were trouble. Hanging with bad people gets you in trouble with them. Ever since I only associate with good folks to avoid another infraction.

You live and you learn…

#13

Only thing youre guilty of CFAvsMBA is being black. Damn the man. I had exact same thing happen to me at my small nescac college. Roommate had shrooms and pot in his closet. When he got caught elsewhere on campus he was dumb enough to tell the campus security about the drugs in his closet (didn’t know about 4th). Campus po po busts in and finds me having a nap in my room. Writes me up for drugs. Because of a poorly written report campus po po thinks the drugs are mine as they say, “entered room and found chicken tikka. Then found drugs.” The only difference is that my small college protects its whiteboy student population and hires campus po po rather than real po po to conduct raids. Therefore no jail or arrest for me, It did take me six months to get the report corrected though. I thought at was a pain in the ass, I can’t imagine if I had to do it from jail.

#14

^ I will add one more thing, this ‘reading you your rights’ is a fable. Not once was it brought to my attention. We were cuffed and drilled hard and fast with questions. Perhaps it’s more PC today.

#15

^I had a friend in law school explain how they don’t always need to Mirandize when you’re arrested, but I forgot what he said. It seems like one of those obvious cases where they have to Mirandize you.

#16

Bahaaaa! CFAvsMBA has been on ice. Makes me want to have a 40 with this brah even more…

#17

Blake, we missed you. There was a whole wonderful thread about you and how intriguing we find you.

#18

Who else has some street cred? This can’t just be a forum of do-gooder CFAs.

#19

There are a few exceptions to Miranda. The most notable one is when police has a reasonable argument to believe the detainee has information that can stop an imminent threat to public safety.

#20

I was once investigated by the Indian FBI (CBI) for a connection to a murder. But they couldn’t pin it on me. I am bulletproof.