Hehe, nice one.
Yeah, they are genetically programmed to be that way.
As I read these posts, as a man who is sufficiently on the other side of all these dilemmas, I have to say…listen to your gut. Don’t do it for societal reasons, don’t do it for economic reasons, don’t do it for any reason other than it feels good. Men do all kinds of stupid $#!t, and getting married/forced to have kids out of guilt for her “biological need to be complete” rank among the dumbest. What about my need to do things at my own pace, without answering to anyone? What about my need to achieve an internal intellectual sanctuary, unbothered by the demands of marriage or a screaming kid at 3am?
I got married and had a kid on the later side, and I still have doubts. All the time. I cannot, repeat, cannot imagine getting engaged/married in your 20’s, if you have a single ambitious bone in your body. I can hear the skeptics now – “my girl isn’t like that, my situation is different,” etc. Believe me, my brother, the female species all regress to the mean in the long run. And when you get there, and you’re stuck in that rut with no easy unwind from your fateful trade, you’ll remember whatever struggles you have now as small potatoes compared to what you got wrapped up in, and you’ll say, crap, I had a choice once.
I know there will be people that will say, that poor bastard DoW, what a jaded and miserable person if he has these feelings. To those I say, just wait, even the most confident and happy among us who fall into the trap we are discussing will have their days, those dark, dark days from which it seems as if there is no escape.
Oh man DoW is one jaded dude. Someone did a number on him. As a counter example I married my HS girlfriend. We got married a couple years after college. As far as ambition, being married to this person in particular has helped me immensely to achieve the things I wanted to achieve (eg grad school, CFA, starting my own business). She was instrumental in each of those and financially supported me on two occasions. I realize my case is somewhat unique. I happened to catch a world class HCB in the making very early. She was way out of my league and it forced me to get my shit together and earn it. Not sure what she saw in me other than vague potential.
^pics.
Also, I’m surprised FT has not commented yet.
Keeps the circle going…else we would have been an extinct species.
I think DoW makes some good points. I don’t think he’s jaded, he’s speaking the truth.
Marriage isn’t easy…
She was standing near you when you wrote this right? it’s ok, you don’t have to admit it. partially kidding, I’m sure there are amazing women, but it’s very much like buying the winning lottery ticket. most lose. also kids are a huge factor to consider. do you have any?
+1 to DoW.
Categorically every single new parent I’ve come across seems to suffer from a lack of sanity and sleep deprivation. My day is basically ruined if I get any less than 7 hours, so I have no earthly desire to deal with a kid anytime soon.
yea i have 2 kids that are now school aged. kids are tough, key is to make it a team effort just like everything that people in married life deal with. it’s much easier when you know the other is going to pull his/her weight.
There should be a class high school kids can take on how to spot a level headed girl. i’ve never dealt with any of the female neurosis you guys are talking about. that’s probably the reason we made it – we’re both sane.
So I have one kid at age 2. It’s pretty early and I only have one so I’m not going to do any victory laps or anything, but so far it hasn’t been as bad as people made it out to be. It’s definitely a big change and I miss going out all the time and having more flexibility (although a lot of that would be fixed if we lived near family), but it’s been a lot of fun. I hear multiple kids have a compounding effect though and the challenges will change as they get older.
But really, other than the budget pressures going from aimlessly dating to a new job in a new state, engaged, married, baby, and remodeling our new house within two years on a single income the rest hasn’t been actually that bad. Most of our problems could be fixed and ultimately will be fixed with more money. I am in my early 30’s though and personally wouldn’t have wanted to get married earlier. That being said, I had a “one that got away” experience with someone I dated for a long time in my early to mid 20’s (external factors) and I don’t think marrying her would have been a mistake at all, so there’s definitely a case by case aspect to it.
I’m married. 5 years of dating before engaged since both my wife and I went back to school for 2 of those years. Money was really tight. I wasn’t born with a trust fund.
The cheap comments from strangers, especially at weddings or engagement events that we attended, was always the most annoying. I’m pretty good about not giving a fuck what people think, but people I don’t know constantly probing or judging me was such a nuisance. It’s like we forget that we don’t know other people’s stories or that everyone is different. People that you’ve never met before become so attached to the idea that you’re not engaged yet or haven’t proposed yet, but after marriage it’s not like any of those same people are reaching out and giving you praise for going through with it (not that I want that).
I’ve always done what I’ve wanted to do at my own pace and my wife has become much the same way gradually since I’ve met her. It’s tough balancing your wants/needs with that of someone else, but you should always do what you want and not what society tells you.
That’s because you drafted out of high school. Take a dip into the college grad/late 20’s crowd and you’ll get a good sense of what we’re talking about. As age increases, desperation increases, and craziness also increases.
so my girl thinks rings/weddings are a waste and doesn’t believe in spending a lot of money on these events. She also never brought it up -albeit we discussed it - until i went to visited her family for the first time in person (former soviet union country). All her friends thought this would be a perfect time -which it would be if i was ready - but instead i simply asked her father for permission for her hand. She was ecstatic when she heard that but then the texts from her friends changed the mood asking for ring pics and instantly discounted what i thought was a major life event.
with all that said, i dont foresee much difference pre/post engagement. we already live/own a house together.
This sounds good in theory, but people change. You could marry the most level headed chick at 25 and by 35 (and you are then saddled with kids and mortgage) she turns into a hormonal mess. Guys change as well so I don’t want to say this is solely an issue with females but it certainly seems to happen more with females. That is the biggest challenge with being married as people do change and you either embrace that change together or grow apart and get divorced.
You have been blessed Turd and I would leave it at that.
Agree with this. longest I dated someone was around 4 years, and she was avery different person from start to finish. and she was already late 20s when we started, and she went really downhill at the 3 year mark. so any relationship that goes from strangers to marriage within 2 years seems highly risky to me
Youre supposed to ask her dad in front of her? Am I the only one who thinks that practice of a father giving his daughter away is ridiculous? Like holy hell, is that when they figure out how many camels her family must give his?
Glad my gfs parents arent from this country and she doesnt give a crap about all this stuff. She has mentioned if we ever got married she wouldnt want a ceremony and a expensive ring, she would rather put the money towards a house. I think i lucked out the more I read
It comes down to values. If you have shared underlying values, it doesn’t matter how you evolve as long as you are pursuing your core values. Not trying to preach. I know I got lucky because I found the perfect match in HS (my complete opposite in many superficial respects by the way). College would have killed me if I didn’t have a GF
Agreed. Also think it’s a great idea to live with someone before marriage to determine if it’s gonna work or not.
My $.02, I feel like for guys this whole thing is a lose-lose either way. Get married/ have kids/ etc and you feel like you’re saddled down and missing out on life. Stay single and feel like a lonely bum who did it all wrong. For every married guy who hates his life and thinks it would be better single, there’s a single guy who hates his life and thinks it would be better married. No point in worrying about it.
kids are what they are. they consume all your money and time and bring the worst out of you but they also provide you with some of the funniest and heartwarming moments of your life. you haven’t breached the threshold yet BS. in my experience, the biggest difference in lifestyle is between 1 and 2 kids, not 0 and 1 kid. 2 to 3 was no big deal. i found out a week ago that i’m gonna go from 3 to 4 so i’ll let you know but i figure that’ll have no impact other than difficult transportation and restaurant arrangements.
i knew my wife for 6 years before tying the knot but we met each other at 18 so we both had much growing up to do. after age 25, i think you should know within two years or so whether the person across from you is a lifer or not. my wife and i are both retarded in the same way and we both knew there was nobody equally as retarded as we are, pretty much from day one.
edit: 2 years dating but 1 year living together. living together is a must before suiting up.