Sounds like they are just casually dating (aka banging). It is ethically fine. Go for it.
U didn’t give her the D, all u did was turn her on with all ur dance moves. So she found the d elsewhere.
Personally, OP, I say go for it. Sure, she may not have reciprocal feelings. Maybe you’ve gone into the deadly “friend zone”.
But it’s also equally possible that she’s thought the same thing about you for a long time, but she got tired of waiting, so she found someone else.
From what you’re telling us, we have no idea what the depths of their relationship is. But they’re not married, not engaged, and not living together. So it’s entirely possible that their relationship is only “well, hanging out with him is better than watching Lifetime movies and crying into my wine bottle on Saturday nights”.
Ask her out. You don’t have to give her a long letter that culiminates in “do you love me? Check yes or no”. Just mention that you want to do something with her outside of the normal dance thing. Something that’s somewhat couple-ey, but doesn’t scream “hey, please leave your current man for me”. Just suggest dinner and a theater performance. Not too casual, but not exactly a wedding proposal, either.
If she’s a sensible woman in her 30’s, she’ll give you an indication. Either, “Sure, sounds fun”, or “My boyfriend wouldn’t appreciate it”. Either way, you’ll know where you stand, and you haven’t really damaged any relationships at the dancehall, either.
And if she does freak out on you, junior-high style, then you’ll have learned something new about her.
The way I see it, it would be unethical for you NOT to pursue this woman (i.e. try to “give her the D”, or stated otherwise).
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If you are a better match than her current date, then you must present that opportunity to maximize her utility. She can always reject you if she is not interested.
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Imagine if all potential suitors did not pursue women in short relationships. There would be no pressure for dating men to increase their “level of service” to the women, thus causing relationship stagnation. It is your purpose to provide this pressure to improve.
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As stated earlier, men in dance class are all there to pick up women, or to improve their skills to pick up women elsewhere. So, it would not be too sketchy for you to follow this trend.
Also, not sure if you care about this, but there is a strong chance she thinks you are gay if you haven’t tried anything by now.
Just in case there was a misunderstanding, I wasn’t accusing you of just wanting to sleep with her. The way my post was written was:
If you are genuinely interested in her, then X…
If you just want to sleep with her, then Y…(includes douchebag accusation)
Then some observations about dating within the dance community.
Good luck. Just because she’s in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t express interest at all, it just means you shouldn’t try to steal her away from someone else unless 1) your feelings are very strong, and 2) you intend to have a serious relationship of better quality (from her point of view, to the extent you can measure that) than she’s having now.
Long ago I had some guy steal away a woman I was courting, and it bummed me out. But guess what… he married her. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to get married and he was, and she liked that idea. So yeah, it sucked for me, but I feel if he was ready to go the distance with her, and she wanted that so chose him… it would be petty of me to insist otherwise. If he had swept her away from me and then dumped her as soon as he’d gotten his rocks off, I’d think he was a total douchebag (and probably she too).
So these things are often contextual. In general, it’s not kosher to swoop in on another person’s partner, but there are times when it’s more forgivable than others (your mutual chemistry is very strong and you intend to be a serious partner to her, the other person is abusive, it’s already breaking up anyway, etc.).
How well to do you know the current boyfriend, and how badly will you get your ass kicked?
Thinking of signing my girl up for dance classes so the guys there can get her wet then send her home to me. 200 dances is a lot of foreplay I can skip. Then when i meet these guys at a party, i can be nice to them for doing so much work for me. These guys will be like her bf can’t dance but is such a nice guy, should I steal her?
Honestly (and not trying to sound like a douche), but you need to step up your game and stop being so shy/overthinking things. Yes divorce can ruin your confidence so I can see how you may be a little hesitant etc., been out of the dating game, but girls “want the D” as much as guys want to get laid. You missed your opportunity unfortunately, but take it as a good learning experience and get the next one! She probably put you in the friend zone after you failed to make a move on her.
^Screw that, OP. Listen to the words of the great philospher, Beyonce: “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it.” He hasn’t put no ring on nothing, yet. Until then, it’s every man for himself.
Actually, I’m only overthinking things and being hesitant with regard to this one person in a community that I really enjoy being a part of. Otherwise, I’ve been, uh, rather busy since my divorce. Don’t worry about me. If this doesn’t work out, I’m sure I’ll have had a great time elsewhere. I’ll shut up now.
Niiice!!!
+1
BS should chime in as he has experience in this kind of situation.
Start a rumor he gave a chick the herp.
Hmmm. No consensus on this topic on AF, it seems.
I will consider writing her a note with a polite and respectful indication of my interest, which would include sharing my misgivings about the situation, and put the ball in her court. We’re both over 30 - hell, I’m over 40 - and if there’s something we’d mutually like to explore, now’s the time.
If I’m going to move forward, that’s how I’d do it. Just need to decide whether I want to move forward or not. I’m very likely to dance with her tomorrow night, and so maybe there’s a polite, non-intrusive question I could ask that could bring some further insight regarding her relationship with this guy. I suppose “How’s it going with this guy?” would be less abrasive than “Are you looking for something better?”
Ok, enough BS. Just tell her how you feel while being sure to apply zero pressure on her. “I know you’re in a relationship and my timing has always been awful, but I’d really like to take you out for a cup of coffee sometime. I’d be kicking myself for the rest of my life if I didn’t ask.”
Bam. Done. Now, can we talk about when it’s appropriate to ask to stick it in the 2 hole?
Uh, as the person who gets teased for suggesting “writing a note,” now and then, I think that you should *not* write a note about this. Love letters (and their watered-down cousins) are fine once you’ve been given the green light, but they aren’t good for asking for a green light.
If you’ve decided to make a play for her, current boyfriend notwithstanding, just talk to her more, give her compliments, look her in the eye when you talk (though try to avoid staring her down). Tell her that you really enjoy her company. Make her feel good about herself when she’s around you. That’s what will make her think about you in those moments when she’s bored or mad at her current guy. You can slip in now and then that if she were single you’d love take her to some show or event or place. But you shouldn’t put these things in writing right now, because you may need plausible deniability at some point; and she may need it too.
Great to hear that you have been busy post divorce. That is great to hear. I would definitely *not* write a letter nor knowlingly pursue this woman who is now in a relationship. I would continue to dance with her, flirt with her, tease her and hopefully she breaks up with the guy. Trying to pick her up now is kind of silly/awkward even if you do it in a somewhat non threatening manner. Timing is everything in relationships unfortunately.
When you grow a second one
FTFY
I like Sweep’s idea. Be straightforward but not confrontational. Let your interests be known, but not in a way that she feels threatened. Wait until the second date to ask for the 2 hole.