How did you turn out? Did it have a crushing effect on your whole life? I am just going through crap and am worried for my boy.
Why are you getting divorced?
no matter what the children suffer mate sorry but its true …some handle it better than others …important this is to be aware, seek professional advice and dont pump them up full of drugs… PS sorry to hear that you going through a divorce mate hang in there
My parents divorced when I was 6. Honestly I don’t think it had an incredible emotinal impact on me. I was a pretty bad kid (behavior wise) until Freshman year of high school, got bad grades, didn’t apply myself (even though all my teachers saw potential, but show me a teacher who doesn’t see potential and I’ll show you a dog that sh!ts diamonds). My parents live in the same area of ATL so I was able to pretty evenly split time between them (with a bias to my mom). The divorce didn’t really have a negative affect I can pinpoint, sure it was hard getting used to swtiching beds every 4 or 5 nights, however, I think there is a tipping point, if this had happened at 7 or 8 I think I would’ve been able to fully appreciate the implications of what was going on. However, since I was so young I just kinda let it fly right over my head. I was forced to go to counseling by my parents because they were worried about my destructive habits (playing with fire, temper tantrums etc…). I can honestly say that I do not think there is a DIRECT relationship to the divorce, however, I do know that the divorce certainly didn’t help anything. I think the most vivid BAD memory I have of the entire ordeal was when my mom started dating who is now my step dad. I was crying when I told my dad that mom had a boyfriend (9 years old). Which is an expected part of divorce. I remember the fighting and yelling BEFORE the divorce more than anyting else, that is truly the traumatic part. You need to be careful what you do/act/say around your kid because how he sees you treating your woman now, it how he will treat women the rest of his life. Look at me, I have a very blaze, I dont care, you’re just here to annoy me attitude/view on women. I know from an ethical standpoint this is an absurd way to be, however, it is hardwired into my brain. I never have nor will I ever put my hands on a women, however, being too blunt/forthright/honest isn’t exactly a great trait to have with women and I know I’ve ruined at least 2 good relationships with my frank attitude. Because of the divorce I was able to become very independent at a very young age. For instance, I was doing my own laundry/cooking/cleaning when I was 9 years old, which has been invaluable through college and now, as I start my career. Even though we had housekeepers at home (my mom remarried) I still did almost everything on my own, except cooking (which I still did when I wanted my own meal). Compared to friends and room mates who have had their mothers/fathers/house keepers take care of everything they seem very ill-prepared for the sudden inflow of responsibility you take on as a young professional living alone.
My parents divorced when I was 7. I feel that I had a good childhood and was raised well enough to make my own decisions later on. The most important part is for both parents to be part of their child’s life. I even read a statistic somewhere that 80% of kids whose parents got divorced said the divorce had not much of an effect on their life. Then again…87% of statistics are made up. On a more serious note, your boy is 5. He will question things later on, but fortunately for you all the memories he has of both of you together is only 5 years, and kids really don’t remember much at all up until the age of 5 anyway. My dad used to sneak up on me when I was younger and living at my mother’s just to make sure I wasn’t lying to him when I said I was doing something. This sticks out more in a young man’s life than the actual divorce. The kid will grow up and see that you two weren’t meant to be, and he will be fine. Best of luck to you.
Not 100% certain it will end that way, but its heading there. Whether it be my lack of trust towards her and my lack of complimenting her enough and making her feel like only my baby’s mama it isn’t good. I care more about losing my boys than losing her, could be part of the problem too.
One thing I forgot to add. I learned the reason for the divorce 3 years ago, which made it much easier to swallow and understand and suprisingly, didn’t rouse too many emotional issues. It was infidelity for the curious ones. Ugh-see where I get my roots, I’m doomed.
Nups makes some very good points. I should also note that when my step-mother came into the picture, I made her cry every chance I had. She would lock herself in the bathroom and wait for my dad to come home. Not something I’m proud of, but we are on much better terms now and respect each other’s opinion. I didn’t grow up to be such a problem child as nups, but I was a very nervous kid, mostly due to the fact that both of my parents have short fuses, and hearing them argue and act around each other had affected me. Nups’ point is on the money - make sure you dont argue around your son, he will remember this.
mp2438 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I didn’t grow up to be such a problem child as > nups, but I was a very nervous kid, mostly due to > the fact that both of my parents have short fuses, > and hearing them argue and act around each other > had affected me. Nups’ point is on the money - > make sure you dont argue around your son, he will > remember this. Couldn’t have said it better. Both my parents are very firey and very willing to argue. My step dad and I butted heads often when I was 10/11/12/13 but as I grew older I saw how wise and calm he was and tried to emulate him (my dad even told me I should be more like him). Probably one of the smartest people I know and it’s incredible how he can disarm my mother (crazy, firey french woman) and get her to agree to almost anything.
ASSet_MANagement Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > mp2438 Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > I didn’t grow up to be such a problem child as > > nups, but I was a very nervous kid, mostly due > to > > the fact that both of my parents have short > fuses, > > and hearing them argue and act around each > other > > had affected me. Nups’ point is on the money - > > make sure you dont argue around your son, he > will > > remember this. > > Couldn’t have said it better. Both my parents are > very firey and very willing to argue. My step dad > and I butted heads often when I was 10/11/12/13 > but as I grew older I saw how wise and calm he was > and tried to emulate him (my dad even told me I > should be more like him). Probably one of the > smartest people I know and it’s incredible how he > can disarm my mother (crazy, firey french woman) > and get her to agree to almost anything. The infedility was on your mother’s side, I presume?
Thanks for all the insight, it really helps lighten the situation a bit. And if my boy can have a weekend like you had a couple weeks back Assman, I think he will be just fine.
marcus phoenix Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > The infedility was on your mother’s side, I > presume? Dad couldn’t keep the killer in the cage.
Yea, around there. I even got the horrible and violent, mentally unbalanced stepfather.
Great post folks. Some real talk in here.
My wife and I are going through a divorce now and we have an almost 5 yr old son. It started out reasonably civil but unfortunately has deteriorated into lots of nastiness. We try really hard to shield our son from as much as possible. We also have him see a therapist. So far so good, though we both worry how all of this will impact him. Hopefully he’ll see the situation with mommy and daddy living apart as his “normal.” Nevertheless there is a lot of guilt on both of out part over all of this. We actually got lots of marriage counseling before we both kind of threw up our hands, realizing that our lives can be better off without the other. My soon to be ex-wife is a good, decent person at heart- I just couldn’t live with her (and I’m sure she says the same about me). As much as this has been a stressful experience (and COSTLY= my lawyer charges 250/hr and charges for friggen everything (even setting up an apppointment!) I have very few regrets. We each want a second act, and to move on. Really I never should have married her but I have a wonderful son and because of him I feel my life is more complete, so I’ll be forever grateful to her for giving me him.
My parents divorced when I was six, had a huge impact on my life, sorry to report. It was a very ugly divorce and my mother never stopped speaking very negatively about my father even long after he’d died, and up until the day she died. She was always trying to turn me against him. It was actually pretty bad. But the good news is that your kids will figure out the truth if this happens and what was really important to me was having my dad in my life, I saw him every two weeks…
My parents divorced when I was 11, but separated when I was 6 and only did the divorce decree when one of them (my dad) decided to remarry. It had a huge influence on my life, but I don’t think it was negative overall. My parents would have driven each other crazy had they stayed together, and I suspect it would have been worse. Gaining a stepfamily was a net positive for me… so remember that there’s more to it that just the mom, dad, and kiddie. The stepfamily made things complex, but it was still a net positive. I was also a stepdad to a girl whose parents had split up. I’d like to think that my presence was a good thing for her; I certainly tried to make it so.
My parents are also divorced, and one piece of advice I would give to anyone going through their own divorce is to not bad mouth your ex-spouse in front of your kids. I have often found myself in the middle of arguments that have absolutely nothing to do with me, and that is a very uncomfortable and unfair place to be.