Best Laugh All Week

Original ad: I am in need of a reliable and SAFE driver to take my 10-year-old daughter home from after-school soccer practice starting in September and ending in late November. She needs to be taken from school in Exton to home in Bryn Mawr. It should take about an hour each day. You will be needed Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri. Looking for a safe driver with a clean driving record. E-mail at *********** with references. We can discuss compensation. Thanks!

From Me to ************ Good afternoon. My name is Mike Partlow and I am very interested in this job. I have a lot of experience driving under dangerous conditions and guarantee your daughter will arrive safely at home every day. If you are still looking for a dependable driver, please write back. Sincerely, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me Mr. Partlow (can I call you Mike?), I still am looking for a driver. Good to know you can handle dangerous conditions…but there probably will not be any dangerous conditions; you are just taking my daughter down Rt 3. Tell me about yourself - are you a professional driver? Do you have any references from past jobs? What kind of car do you own? Is it reliable? - Kate From Me to Kate ******** Kate, You can call me Mike. I was never one for formalities. A little about myself, I am 37 years old, and worked as a mercenary driver in the Middle East. I have escorted important clients through high-risk areas in Iraq and Afghanistan for five years. I have seen a lot of action, and have ensured the safety of my clients. Out of all the jobs I have done, 90% of my clients arrived at their destination unharmed. I have several references. I’ll have one of them e-mail you. My car is very safe and reliable - perfect for your daughter. It is an armored 2007 Chevy Suburban. All glass has been replaced with multi-layered ballistic glass capable of stopping a 7.62 x 39 bullet dead in its tracks. The doors, roof, and floor have been reinforced with ballistic steel/composite that can withstand IED blasts and stop grenade fragmentation. This car has been put to the test and will always deliver. Safety and protection is my #1 priority. The car is fully loaded with an HK416 assault rifle that fire under the toughest conditions. The roof has a 40mm MK-19 automatic grenade launcher turret installed. Hopefully we won’t have to use it, but it is good to have. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to return fire against an enemy APC. I assure you that nobody will mess with your daughter as I escort her home from soccer practice. Now lets discuss pay. I have various security packages I offer, and for your daughter I recommend my medium package which will run you $200 an hour. I also have a minimal package which is only $125 an hour. It is entirely up to you. Let me know, Mike Partlow From Kate ******** to Me This has to be a joke. This isnt Bagdad, it’s suburban PA… Are you just being sarcastic? What do you really drive? I want to pay 30 bucks a day, tops. From Me to Kate ******** Kate, Safety/protection is no joke. For $30, you are likely to get some 17-year-old kid who just got his license and will drive your daughter in his unarmored Ford Focus. I’ve seen an IED blow a Ford Focus into thousands of pieces, none larger than a golf ball. My security package is well worth the $200 per trip. We will pick your daughter up in a random Suburban. Four trucks will pull up, and she will get into a random one every day. This is so the enemy does not know which one to attack. The Suburban she is in will have an armed security detail of men I have worked with in Iraq. We know what we are doing. She will be escorted in our convoy down the highway at a high rate of speed to avoid stopping in “kill zones.” All vehicles are equipped with an MIRT which is used to change the traffic lights to green so we will not have to slow down. Your daughter will arrive safely in your arms no later than 20 minutes from when she is extracted from the soccer field. Please reconsider my offer. You can’t put a price on your daughter’s safety. From Kate ******** to Me Stop wasting my time. Don’t e-mail me again. (later, from another e-mail account) From Nick Walken to Kate ********** Dear Kate, I am an old client of Mike Partlow. He told me that you wanted a reference for a job you are considering him for. Let me start off by saying, you could not have made a finer choice. Mike is the best there is. He literally saved my life countless times in Iraq. Whatever you are using him for, you have made the right choice. You will be 100% safe. When I think about my experience Mike, one time stands above the rest. Back in 2005, I was a contractor in Iraq and had hired Mike’s security detail to escort me through Fallujah. Everything was going fine until our convoy was hit by an IED. I don’t remember much, but next thing you know, I woke up in a Republican Guard prisoner camp with Mike. I thought we were goners. They took me and Mike into a hut, where there were at least eight armed soldiers placing bets. They were going to make Mike and I play Russian Roulette. Mike convinced a soldier to let him play with three bullets, instead of one, which I thought was crazy. Mike even put the gun to his head once and pulled the trigger. He started laughing, and the soldiers started laughing too. When they let their guard down, he immediately shot three of them in the head, grabbed one of their AKs, and gunned down the other five soldiers. I didn’t think we would make it out of that one alive, but thanks to Mike’s heroic actions, I am here today. You cannot go wrong with Mike Partlow. He is the best of the best. One time he killed an entire truck of insurgents using just a fork from his salad. He makes do with what he has and will survive the worst of situations. If you have any more questions about Mike, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I owe the man my life. Nick From Kate ******** to Me what in the hell…

This is so awesome!!! The disguised weapons one is also top-notch:

Original ad: WANTED - Microwave I am looking for a used microwave. WHITE ONLY

From Me to *********@************.org: I have a LG microwave that I want to sell for $30. I am aware that your ad said whites only, but I am an African American. I sincerely hope that this won’t be a problem for you, and we can put race issues aside and just do business. Thank you, Jamal From Amy ****** to Me: I am so sorry that you misread my ad. I meant the microwave should be white, because it would match my kitchen. Amy From Me to Amy ******: Oh, so because I am black, you think that I can’t read? It really is amazing that the world we live in is still so racist. I’m sorry, but your insults have left me feeling sick. I don’t think I can sell my microwave to a bigot. Sincerely offended, Jamal From Amy ****** to Me: I wasn’t suggesting that you couldn’t read. I’m not racist. If you read my whole email you would see that the ad was looking for a white microwave, not a white person. I changed the ad to avoid any confusion. Amy From Me to Amy ******: So now you think that because I am black, I am too lazy to read your whole e-mails. Your racism is overwhelming. You will never get my microwave from me. I will, however, sell you a burning cross for your next klan meeting. Does $20 for the cross sound fair? From Amy ****** to Me: I can’t write anything without you being offended! I give up! From Me to Amy ******: So you don’t want the microwave? From Amy ****** to Me: Will you still sell it to me? From Me to Amy ******: I would never sell anything to a racist. From Amy ****** to Me: Ugh I’m done with you.

this has been around for a few years.

What amazing thing have you found from the ancient internet?

/I put on my robe and wizard hat

It’s still pure gold. Perfect for a casual Friday!

Lightning bolt!

+1 to awesome trolling

Used to love that site. Blocked at work now though.

You are welcome

Forgive me if I don’t say thanks. Blocked request: Policy violation UsrViewBlocked_policy Reason: Tasteless & Offensive sites are blocked Site: Access to this website is restricted by Higgmond’s employer’s internet access policy. If immediate access to this site is required for legitimate business or personal reasons please call the help line at 1-866-512-XXXX and select Option 1 to reach Corporate Support. If immediate assistance is NOT required, but you would like to have this site reviewed for non-inclusion in the blocked site categories please open a help desk ticket by clicking “Submit Request” below.

Wow you guys must have a better filter than us.

www is blocked for us but ww2 isn’t.

“https” instead of “http” used to be a reliable work around for us, but that’s gone now too. We have Sophos for AV and for filtering.


try inputting the IP address of the site in the explorer bar (the numbers)

Similar idea as ‘don’t even reply’ but transformed for the mobile age:

CvM’s Employer Web Page Blocked

You have tried to access a web page which may be in violation of BB’s internet usage policy. URL: Category: Instant Messaging If you feel this site should be unlocked, please contact the BB’s IT Help Desk NOTE: Please let them know what site you are trying to reach, as well as what ‘Category’ is listed above.

I’m sure a red flag gets raised whenever you ping the filter…

^ I doubt it. I get tons of ads blocked on very legit sights, so I’m sure IT is getting hit with thousands of filter violations per day.

When I go to AF, I press CTRL-L type in “anal” in the address bar. Google Chrome populates the rest. I’m just wondering if there is a company keystroke log that is picking this up…