I don’t want to sleep with every woman I meet. I can be friends with girls I don’t want to sleep with.
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Yes, just tell him sorry and no. He will move on to another target and you don’t waste his time or yours any longer
Only women talk and think like this.
Please watch this video by comedian Bill Burr:
I was thinking about the decision of trying to be friends with someone that you want to sleep with, rather than the more absolute question of the conditions by which you’d want to sleep with someone. If you don’t want to sleep with the person, then it’s easier to be friends with them. There may be a broad set of reasons for no longer wanting to sleep with someone you previously wanted to sleep with; I just chose two that came easily to mind.
I don’t really think about things in terms of chemistry. Hypothetical: I’m on a date with a girl who says she likes reality TV. I think carefully about how hot she is vs. how much desire I have to listen to her talk about the the Real Housewives of Snorefest. Assume I don’t fake interest. After the date goes poorly, she blames there being “no chemistry”. In this sense, lack of chemistry is the realization, by one or both people, that the other is not attractive enough to fake being interested in whatever they’re talking about.
As I get older, I find that there are fewer and fewer women I’d want to sleep with if I didn’t also want to be friends with them. You spend enough time with stuck-up, vapid, or superficial-but-beautiful women and you realize that if there isn’t enough substance for a friendship, it’s cheaper, cleaner, and better just to go visit some lurid website for 15-30 minutes to satisfy whatever carnal urges you have at the moment. To me, even if a woman is beautiful, there’s no satisfaction in seducing her if she doesn’t seem to exercise good judgment or is not in some other significant way admirable.
So if I want to sleep with her, I probably see something about her that’s worth being friends over.
The question is: if she doesn’t want to sleep with me, can I still be friends with her. And to me, the answer is “sometimes.” Sometimes the attraction is just too strong and I can’t be confident I’m being a sincere friend. Sometimes there’s enough that’s good about her friendship that I can deal with it, particularly if there are other options around for the sex part.
Part of the challenge is that there are only a certain number of hours in a day, and friendships require some time and maintenance in order to continue. So if I’m looking for a bed partner, and I don’t know where she is, sometimes I don’t have the time to put into a friendship with someone who just turned me down. There are the hours where I’m on the hunt, then there are plenty of good friends I already have… it means that the woman who turned me down has to be extra extra appealing as a friend to compete for whatever time is left over. To me, that’s the challenge with “just friends”.
That doesn’t mean I can’t be friendly, but being friendly is not the same as being a friend.
For women who have to tell a guy that they want to be “just friends,” it often feels to the guy like a consolation prize. Like they got the red ribbon for 2nd place (or the white ribbon for 3rd place) rather than the blue ribbon for 1st place.
I recently thought that what a woman needs to communicate when she’s giving the “just friends” speech is: 1) I respect you for having tried, 2) I’m not feeling the desire for more, and I know that it sucks for you that I’m saying this, and 3) if you still feel like being friends, know that I’m open to it.
I like this approach better because guys sometimes feel ashamed after getting turned down and you 1) let him know that you respect him for having tried, and are not secretly laughing at him behind his back, 2) you show empathy for him while holding your ground, and 3) you let *him* decide whether to be friends or not, which gives him some the feeling that he has some control or decision-making pwoer over what happens next. You don’t force him to be your friend, but you let him know that you respect him enough not to ding him for having tried.
Hate to break it to you ladies, but yes, ALL your guy friends want to bang you, unless they are gay or you are extremely ugly. Even so, most of them might still do it.
^ Ohai says Thommo is gay and his dates are ugly.
Igor, pass the popcorn.
At university, I used to think you cannot really be close friends with a woman if you haven’t had sex with her - without sex or atleast having made out once you’re merely an acquaintance.
Now, I’m surrounded all day with attractive women (who work on sales desks), that I have amazing friend-like relations with. I don’t know if this has more to do with the fact that they’re my colleagues or that I have a serious girlfriend now but the grown up me thinks you can be friends with a woman if you want.
I agree. and ladies, any of your male friends would say ‘sure’ if you discreetly offered to bang. I bet a few marries ones would even say yes too
FWB?
You are right. I was thinking in general terms that a woman doesn’t need to be ugly or annoying for a guy to never have intentions on sleeping with. And without those intentions it’s easier to become friends with her. I do agree that once the desire is there, it gets too complicated to attempt a friendship.
Regarding chemistry, I was referring more to the physical one – those first 30 seconds when you know whether you’d want to sleep with him or not (way before I find out he actually likes to go hunting on the weekends and cross him off my list 
Before kids: my wife and I used to go out 2-3 nights a week to dinner and/or socialize, and have s3x 3-4 times a week, including weekend mornings which were exclusively dedicated to leisurely s3x.
After kids: my wife and I go out 2-3 times a month, usually for a quick dinner within walking distance of home. We squeeze in s3x when we can, which is usually around 1 or 2am after the kids have gone to bed and all the household chores and take-home work is done. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve agreed to rendez vous in the bedroom for s3x and then one of us has fallen asleep while waiting for the other. Weekend mornings are now exclusively dedicated to watching the kids crawl around the living room and throw food from their high chairs.
Let’s just end the debate. All women (except smuggy, because if I recall correctly, she’s expecting a baby anytime) must post a pic, preferably a provocative one. That way we can decide whether or not your male cohorts want to bang you.
I honestly don’t know how the thread kept going after this. That’s a wrap. Honorable mention to Sweep for his thoughtful and IMO accurate post as well.
Regardless though, this is one of the best threads we’ve seen on AF in a while, maybe months. bchad’s post was awesome too. Hat tip to emi for having the, uh, balls, to post the question.
Re: the original question: Quick and clean is the best way to go. If it’s not working, end it quickly but respectfully. There’s no need to be cruel or embarrass / hurt the other person as there is plenty of cruelty in the world already. This goes for more than just dating. Life’s too short to waste time on things that have no future.
In terms of the guy your dad has a man crush on, why not? The fact that you are even asking suggest he is at least not repulsive. It doesn’t matter how you find Mr. Right as long as he’s right. Maybe he is. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Exactly, I agree. If things start in a romantic intended way, the friend zone is pointless. He’ll still want to get with you, and might still hope to have a relationship. You’ll be friends maybe because you want to and maybe a bit out of guilt and the feeling that you should. Both are bad. The only girls I’m friends with are ones that I’m either not interested in dating, or are clearly, 99%, unavailable.
As to your first point, if a girl isn’t interested, I’d rather just hear that so I can turn my attention to the next girl that will probably not be interested and not waste time.
But no one answered my q though! How am I supposed to approach a guy that my father tried to marry me to within 5 min of meeting him. It’s clearly intimidating. And my father is a type to go hunting on weekends haha he’s a mountain man but this guy is military so maybe that’s not the intimating part.
And I appreciate all your feedback. Thank you all for being good sports.
I haven’t really talked to first guy yet… should I just say out of the blue thanks but no thanks? And re: second guy as well? I do value our friendship… it’ll be sad to lose that too.
I already did, some time ago, a picture of me illustrating my phone interview 
^The internet has no memory. To your original question, ball up and ask him out.
It’s always best to be direct and let someone down rather than the fade. Men appreciate clear communication.
Did the guy from the arranged meeting seem interested or just there to appease his parents? How long ago was it? Is there a chance he’ll contact you?
If you think he’s unlikely to contact you then you should contact him directly and go for a coffee or something informal and make a joke about how your parents are trying to set you up and then just treat it like a standard dating scenario from that point on.
also, don’t listen to the boys on this forum…