Comic Relief

I don’t know about the rest of you, but with less than 20 hours until the scores are posted what I could really use right now is some comic relief (to get my mind off fretting about how I will face my co-workers if I fail). So I will start by posting a few jokes and you can feel free to post some back. The first one is a little geeky but here goes: A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before. The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked. “This is one-third of my monthly salary!” he yelled. Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, “I understand your position as a professor. Why don’t you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don’t like educated people.” So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly. One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students’ knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got “minus pi times r square.” He didn’t like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: “Switch the limits of the integral!!”

This one is a little old, but hopefully there are people out there who haven’t heard it yet. Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?” "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. “The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.” So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

Here’s a joke for you. Some IT guy at CFAI decided to have some fun over the weekend before result day and removed L3 links from all those who failed and left it for all those who passed. Several people who actually failed celebrated prematurely and several who actually passed committed suicide. LOL!

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband. “Why do you ask such a question?” “Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of couse not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She is left-handed.”

2 guys walk into a locally owned bar, where the bartneder is the owner, lets call them Tom and Jerry. After a few beers, Tom says to Jerry. “Jerry, I bet you $500 I can piss all over the bar, and not get the bartender mad” Jerry Says “NO WAY”, we are going to get kicked out of here the second you pull down your zipper and the bartender sees it, so Jerry agrees to the bet" A few moments later, Tom pulls down his pants, and starts spraying the bar with his piss, its going on the floor, on the stool, and even hitting the top of the bar, and while all this is going on, the bartender is laughing his ass off!! Jerry is shocked, he cannot believe that the bartender is not mad, and that he is actually laughing, he goes to the ATM gets out $500 and gives it to Tom and they watch the bartender clean up all the piss, and laughing while doing so, as they continue to finish off their pitcher. Jerry says, “Tom I am in shcok, how on earht did you do that?!” Tom says " I bet the bartender $250, that I could fill an empty shot glass on top of the bar with my piss from where our table is"!!!

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. They’re not laughing now.

Why do husbands typically die earlier than their wives? Because they want to.



fine, i removed it. happy now? although . . . that joke is still there because u quoted it. I knew i would be pushing it but it was the first joke that popped into my head.

Dean, not cool. Arkad - You need some new material. The Polish pope and Bill Clinton havbe been gone for awhile (I miss 'em both). Edit: Dean, much better.

FINNNEEE. I apologize. GRRRrr.

Little boy at the beach… A mother & father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the beach, he notices that many of the women have bigger boobs than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’ The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’ Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, ‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.’

That last one was solid. here’s my contribution. good thread idea to pass the time. ------------ Exam Time - one student’s theory *** How Hot Is It In Hell - A True Story *** A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law gas (cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities. #1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. #2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic. The student got the only A.

Can’t sleep and scared shitless, I guess if I don’t get the CFA and get fired from my jr analyst job I could always be a comedian: Joke 1 TICKLE ME ELMO There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly a! t 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee . He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wra! ps it a round two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "! but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. “Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.” Joke2 A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. ‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. ‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. ‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. Joke 3:The Brothel The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. ‘May I help you?’ she asked. ‘I want to see Valerie,’ the man replied. ‘Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,’ said the madam. ‘No. I must see Valerie,’ he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. ‘No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?’ she asked. The man replied, ’ South Carolina .’ ‘Really’ she said. 'I have family in South Carolina ’ ‘I know,’ the man said. ‘Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.’ The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer