Cover Letter Critique

Can I please get some criticism on my cover letter? It is a work-in-progress but even some advice on the content would be great. I tried to take the bullet points from the job description and addressed them. Lay it on me, please.

I think two of the biggest flaws may be:

  1. Needs more detail.

  2. Writing might seem childish.

I am very excited to hear about the ___________ role at _______ as advertised on the corporate website. It is important to choose the right person for this position. Here is what I can bring and why I will add value to your organization:

  • In-depth research and analysis. Received a bachelor’s degree in business administration from _________ University. Passed the CFA program without failing.
    • What you are looking for is someone who has demonstrated the necessary technical analytical skills. I have demonstrated that with my education and will continue to do so. For example, I am taking online Python courses and wish to apply my skills in data science. Included in my application is a sample real estate model I developed.
  • Technical lead (programming skills) for a tracking tool at Company1, including presentations to demonstrate the capabilities of said tool. Cost savings of $50K for the department.
    • This was a special project that no one else had knowledge of and would have been impossible without me. This shows my initiative in taking on new challenges.
  • Conducted fundamental equity research and due diligence on companies that fit mandate during my time at Company2. International stock I recommended increased 5% after Q1 2018 earnings.
    • My ability to gather information, combined with my knowledge at Company1 and the (telecom, food & beverage) industry will develop into accurate research.
  • Strong oral and written communication skills. Was voted VP of membership in my local Toastmasters club in 2016-2017. Explained the benefits of public speaking to guests resulting in 4 new members and gave feedback to members. Won the Skinny Branch Award for huge personal improvements. Also assisted in drafting official insurance contracts at Company3.
    • I will always represent ________ with the utmost professionalism when meeting with institutional and corporate clients and upper management as well as write error-free research reports.

_________ is a well-known financial organization in Canada and I wish to be a part of this team. Please find my contact information at the top of this letter, as well as enclosed in my resume. If I have not heard anything from you in a week, I will be following up. I appreciate your time in reading this letter and look forward to connecting with you in the future.