And she still married him?
They were both in their 70s. He promised to be a good husband to her, but that when he died, he would be burried with his previous wife, who had died a few years earlier.
She said she understood. It was a third marriage for her as well. Later she reported to me that the marriage to my grandfather was the happiest of all her marriages.
As far as I could tell, the bit about being buried with his previous wife was not a major issue for her; she herself ended up being buried in a family plot with her relatives near where she was born.
I see. It was more of a companionship at that point.
Do you think a guy has ever asked to be buried with his wife? As in, they open up the wife’s coffin and actually roll his dead body on top of her old bones then seal them up again. I mean, if you are each in your own coffins in your own vaults, what’s the point?
For a nominal fee, the burial home could arrange the couple any which way they wanted. “Oh, you would like the sixty-nine for eternity package?”
I’m in the wrong business…
In my grandfather’s case, everyone involved was cremated. I believe the ashes are in side-by-side urns in a plot in the ground. I do know that some couples ask to have their ashes mixed together. This didnt’ happen in my grandfather’s case.
In my mind, a lot of it is about the idea of being understood as a family unit, rather than two separate individuals. So if you go to visit one gravesite, you’re right there next to the other. Somteimes there is a large gravestone with both names carved together. To be honest, I never visited my grandfather’s gravesite.
I’m not big into grave visits, personally. I dumped my father’s ashes into the Straits of Georgia, as he requested. To me, that fit better anyway. Whenever I visit family or go kayaking around there, I feel like my dad is mixed in with nature, which feels more spiritual and new agey and fits the general culture out there (though he himself was not especially new agey).
If she hadn’t married him, she wouldn’t have been his third wife.
So…did you dance with her? Did you talk to her?
UPDATE
Although things aren’t going as well as I’d like, I feel it’s fair to update this situation.
So on April 3, Dance Girl and I were part of a group at one of the secondary dance venues we go to. Late in the night, we were on the side talking and I said to her that I’d like to know her better and wondered if she might want to get together to talk sometime. I think she was a bit surprised, but her response was an immediate, and warm, “Let’s do that.”
Due to familial obligations on my end and a work trip for her last week, I didn’t see her again until last night. In the intervening time, we exchanged a number of texts, nothing particularly special, but warm and friendly. I noticed that on Easter, her mother - who I actually met at that venue on April 3 - posted a photo on DG’s Facebook page of the mother, DG, and the guy she’s been seeing, obviously outside a church on Easter. (DG doesn’t really advertise her dating life on her FB page. If she had set her status to In a Relationship or posted tons of photos of her and the guy having fun around town, I wouldn’t have started this thread.)
So last night I was back at the same secondary venue with Dance Girl and a few other people. Small group. Lots of floor space. The dancing was fun, as were some group conversations. On the way out, I reiterated to DG about wanting to get together sometime, and she said that was fine (I forget the exact words). I asked if she had any free time this weekend, and she gave a non-committal answer. I pondered this on the way home, but when I got home, I noticed she’d sent the following text, which she must have sent on her way home or immediately upon getting there:
“Hi there! Yes, let’s hang out sometime! I’m sorta seeing a guy so I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t awkward that way, but as long as it’s cool platonic fun, are you free for brunch Saturday?”
Hmmm. Thoughts? Here are a few of mine that are printable.
* As much as I loathe being part of anything that could be described as a “platonic brunch,” I’m also glad I’m not the guy who she is “sorta” seeing. She could have made that more definitive. I believe they’ve been dating for about four months.
* I think the boldest step I would entertain at this point is a simple and direct indication of interest. Put the ball in her court and if anything changes on her end, we can talk. However, I’m wondering if even that is too bold, considering the situation. On the other hand, it’s the kind of thing that I might never have another chance to say. But she’d have to be extremely dense to not realize I might be interested in being more than friends, right?
* Trying to interpret signals is a very dangerous game. I know this. (A woman who sends off mixed signals… shocker!) But I do feel there’s a mutual attention and mutual attraction between us, and I don’t doubt she enjoys being around me. Perhaps meeting up in this manner is a safe way for her to learn more about me? I’d appreciate feminine input on this point.
* I think having a “platonic brunch,” or maybe a hike, would be good from my perspective. I’d like to see if we have chemistry with each other when it’s just us talking with no dance floor around. Sharing that wavelength with a partner is obviously very important, and if it’s not there, this is a safe way to start finding out.
* Do not worry about me. I will not get hung up on this lady. Until it leaves the platonic level, I will be dating other people. She might not be a great match for me, after all, so I’ll keep looking until I have reason to do otherwise.
So, 1) she probably has a new guy interest. A week is like 3 years in hot girl time.
- I’ve always found great success with backing off and purposely giving space when someone cools off to you as opposed to stepping it up. One caveat, this works best with people you still are in constant proximity with. If you’re not in constant proximity, the odds of success for any strategy plummit.
I was in a similar situation years ago. Basically, I kept seeing the girl at dance and kept going to platonic brunches, but I just flat-out told her that I wanted to be more than “just friends”. But until that day came, I’d be very happy to go to as many platonic brunches as she wanted.
After a while, she changed her mind, and we dated for about a year. (It turns out that she was a megalomaniac, and had serious delusions of grandeur, and had tons of financial problems. Glad I got out when I did.)
edit - and I continued going out and dating while I was waiting on my own DG. She knew it. And had I found another, better one, I would have dropped her. But nothing better came along before she changed her mind.
Well, she’s involved and told you that non platonic advances will not be welcomed. I don’t think there’s much interpretation there.
The honorable thing is to do the platonic brunch. Then the strategic thing is to quietly disengage (other than dancing) afterwards. Or, if you like, you invite her guy to come with you and you bring another woman friend with you, perhaps a dance friend so that it’s more of a group outing and has better chances for being genuinely fun for you and not awkward for everyone else.
As to what changed, a zillion things could have changed. You will likely not know for a while, if ever. A likely thing is that she likes you but decided that things were good enough with her guy that she didn’t want to risk messing it up. It may also have been that she was mad at her guy when you first proposed doing something but that the guy got back into her good graces and so she is less open to you.
But I don’t think that she is uninterested in you because otherwise she would not do anything to encourage you and she would say that she’s firm with her guy. The fact that she’s “sorta seeing” someone is telling. She’s not fully committed to him, but probably is not ready to risk messing it up or cutting the cord. Either it’s a new thing, and she’s not fully convinced, or its a longer thing, and in her mind he’s been screwing up.
I think BS’ advice is sound. I’d say it sounds like she likes you but doesn’t want the complication that bringing you into her life as a non-platonic person would cause, at least right now. But if she finds the excuse, she will quite possibly jump at it, provided she doesn’t think it over too much.
I just saw the part about the text. I’d say sure it’s be great to hang out sometime but I can’t do the brunch after all! Then justs never hang out until she’s single.
You can say something came up and then never reschedule, nothing wrong with that.
All the same, I think that doing the brunch with her as a group outing is more likely to pay off in the long run. Do it as a double date and bring along someone else that you like. That way it’s all low pressure, you get bonus points with DanceGirl that you might get to cash in later on, and you can get to know a new friend. And maybe DG will have a hot friend or a sister she can set you up with later.
After all, it’s only an hour or two, and could pay off. And you only need to pay for yourself, so it’s even cheap.
Don’t go to brunch with her. What are you thinking? She is offering “platonic brunch” because it flatters her ego that she is forbidden fruit. If you accept the platonic brunch, it reinforces the pecking order and you will just become a beta male.
That is, unless you actually want to have a “platonic brunch”, but since you have testicles, I doubt this is the case.
Yeah but who’s got time for platonic brunches with some random girl that’s got a bf. Live your life mang, it’s the principle!
I agree that doing a platonic brunch just the two of you is a bad idea for a lot of reasons.
But what I ended up advocating was turning platonic brunch into a double date. That has useful synergies.
Don’t forget, women like things they can’t have, so if you have a girl that looks like a date, that’s good!
How awkward would that double date be? You barely know the person you’re taking and she just started seeing this guy and now you’re at this inexplicable brunch and your date is like “How d you know Frisian?” and she’s all like, “Oh, we just met at these dancing functions.” then your date is like, why the f*ck is Frisian dragging me along to hang out with this random chick neither one of us knows that well and her random ass boyfriend? Everyone fails. The end.
^ Nailed it! Don’t do the brunch.
You want to go on a platonic brunch with a girl who has a bf? “aint nobody got time for that!” Definitely do not do the double date.
Honestly I think she has put you in the friend zone which is not a good place to be. I would back off and keep dating other people.