my comment only addressed what she is to him. he’s free to do the same, but sounds like he’s wracking his brain about how to proceed. i only glanced at the thread and may be missing something, but it sounds like she’s kind of a big deal to him (in terms of amount of time spent thinking about the situation), while he’s just an option to keep open in her mind.
She has a man already so she doesn’t need to put herself out there with OP. She will just friend zone him.
OP has to stop caring as much. Just be friendly but don’t make it come off like you are interested. It will make her wonder why you arent interested and making passes at her. Basically, OP has to friendzone her first if we wants to spark her interest into dating him.
“No, *I* am friendzoning *you*…”
Pre-emptive friendzoning!
OP seems to be way more emotionally enwrapped in this whole thing than the woman he likes.
Re: the Seinfeld clip…
“Live and learn.”
So classic.
Bump. Seeing Frisian post made me think of this thread.
Any good news?
Ha. I was thinking of posting an update to this thread at some point.
Hmmm. Long story short - which is kind of me, because it’s a LONG story - is that Dance Girl ended it with her guy in January and we started dating not long thereafter. Some things to sort through, but things are going well, and there have been several positive surprises. (And while she was with the other guy, I was keeping myself sufficiently entertained. Like I said, don’t worry about me.)
What we’re going through now is figuring out various friends / boundary issues. She’s more old-fashioned than me in that respect and is concerned with some of my female friendships. To some extent I understand her concerns, because, yeah, I can see why she’d be uncomfortable meeting up on a double date with a girl I “dated” and her boyfriend. But I wish people could get along so I wouldn’t have to make unpleasant decisions about what connections I keep or discard.
In case you’re wondering, that latter part will probably never go away. At least in my experience. Sucks, but it’s a trade-off. Why can’t people just be more accepting and less judgemental?
I think some women start getting posessive and drawing boundaries not because they genuinely care themselves but because they care about how it looks. They don’t want to field questions like “I saw your guy hanging out with this hottie; do you think he’s cheating on you?” They also feel that if they aren’t at least a little posessive, it sends a signal that they don’t care.
I wish more women could say “Yes, I trust you to be ‘just friends’ with these women, but if you ever break that trust, you’re toast, dude!” I’d be cool with that. I feel that that would also indicate that they are tolerant, but that tolerance doesn’t come from the fact that they don’t care if you’re faithful or not.
There is a popular theory/belief among women that a lot of cheating is opportunistic. Meaning a man didn’t seek it out specifically but couldn’t resist when opportunity presented itself. Some even believe that given the opportunity and a reasonable chance of not getting caught, a man will most likely cheat. Therefore the “cool” wives, aka those that are ok with their husbands having female friends or doing drinks alone with female coworkers, will get burned…
To me, it’s a little harsh but what do I know, having never been married.
^I think there’s a lot of truth in what you said. A lot of cheating isn’t “I went out with the intent of cheating” but more “one thing led to another and it happened”.
If a guy (or girl) has his mind made up that he’s going to cheat, he’s gonna do it.
Iunno why nobody brought it up yet, but looks like frisian legit has broken through being an option/friendzoned.
Respect.
Yeah, I get that. I don’t feel that women are being entirely unreasonable in their fears, but I think that many are not wary that you can easily go too far the other way (possessiveness and limiting contact with other women).
What I mean is, if I know my woman trusts me, and that cheating will break that trust, I find it a lot easier to resist temptation. The times I have knowingly cheated have been either times where I felt abandoned (if she’s not going to do her part in the relationship, why should I?) and times when I’ve felt “Heck, I’m going to be blamed for it whether I do it or not, so might as well enjoy the opportunity.”
Personally, I am not a big fan of cheating, though there have been times in my life when I’ve done it for the reasons above. Perhaps some of my more fling-like exes think I cheated on them when as far as I was concerned I was out of the relationship and they were perhaps hoping we might get back together, but I don’t count that as cheating unless the breakup was intentionally designed to legitimize some extra-curricular activity (which I haven’t done, but have on occasion been tempted, I’ll confess).
Oh, all men aren’t scumbags. Some of us even strive to be of high moral fiber. I have been married, and while married I always felt very secure in my own boundaries. That’s what commitment means. The marriage fell apart for different reasons.
In general, I find jealousy to be an unattractive trait, particularly when it’s unwarranted. The issue I’m dealing with presently isn’t exactly jealousy though. It’s more that she has a vision for what she wants in a serious relationship, and my keeping friendships - however close - with women I dated doesn’t align with that vision. She’s great in a lot of ways, but I find this area annoying. As always, there are tradeoffs in relationships.
There definitely are men like that. But it’s also not all of us. I suppose it can be hard to tell who is who until it’s too late, and those women who have been burned before unsuspectingly presumably have a hard time trusting again.
My girl was definitely burned before and so I do try to cut her some slack when it comes down to her assuming that I bang every attractive woman I dance with, but it sure gets annoying after a while.
I am with you guys. I don’t believe that ALL men can/will cheat.
However I believe that no woman is immune to potentially being cheated on.
Why don’t we have a university course on Dating? I guess PhDs in relationships can teach it.
For all the volumes of relationship wisdom from bchad I’d expect he’d have married a world class HCB long ago. Taking his advice would be akin to taking investment advice from a financial news journalist, but that’s none of my business.
^i dont think its fair to judge bchad based on him having a HCB or not.
i would compare it to a trader that developed a system, backtested it but when it came to putting real money on the line he just cant do it. perhaps bchad has great advice but is shy to approach HCBs
Hey OP - I’m just curious. At what point did you begin negotiating the 2-hole? Just so all the youngsters out here have a point of reference for bargaining.