I particularly like number 6
1.‘Just be yourself’ is good advice to probably 5% of people.
2. People can be drug-tested to keep their jobs, but not to receive government benefits? Explain that shit to me. Please.
3. I start every cell conversation with ‘my phone’s about to die’ so they don’t waste my time.
4. A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherf.cker.
5. Speaking about a firm janitor: 1. ‘Do u think he tells the chicks he works at Goldman Sachs ?’ 2. ‘Of course - he doesn’t just clean up at work’
6. If someone asks you a question and you don’t know the answer, belittle them. It’s better to be an asshole than stupid.
7. If there’s a hot chick behind me at the ATM, I’ll always leave my receipt in the machine so she can see the balance.
8. Guns kill people like spoons make people fat.
9. My 1st wife was vehemently pro-life until my girlfriend got pregnant.
10. Some chick asked me what I would do with 10 million bucks. I told her I’d wonder where the rest of my money went.
11. Every guy I know has paid for s.x. One way or the other.
12. If you see me opening a car door for a girl, its either a new girlfriend or a new car.
13. If you brag about starting at the bottom and making it to the top, you are probably still closer to the bottom.