How to can employees in a humane and deceitful manner Posted by: Mark Peters on March 13, 2009 at 8:00 am Unemployment is a national disease, and I just want you to know that I feel your pain, employers of America. Just as labeling your love is a challenge, trimming the payroll can make even the most limber-tongued entrepreneur/supervillain reach for the thesaurus. With apologies to pink slip, discharge, disemploy, dismiss, dispatch, decruitment, reduce redundancies, show the door, give someone their walking papers, make a change in the org chart, and career change opportunity, here’s a handy list of terms for the unkindest cuts of all. downsizing Pros: It’s no longer super-euphemistic; everyone knows what it means. Cons: Everyone know what it means. For a more effective cloaking of reality, see next term. rightsizing Pros: Sounds like a good thing, if it referred to pants. In fact, RightSize is also the name of a diet shake. Cons: Implies that soon-to-be-cut employees are like unsightly love handles on the flabby company frame. And speaking of exercise metaphors… getting fit Pros: Very creative. Will overheat all but the most powerful decoder rings. Cons: If you actually said this to an employee’s face, the employee, by law, is justified in applying the Five-point Palm Exploding Heart Technique that got such rave reviews in Kill Bill. reduction in force, RIF, riff Pros: Acronyms are awesome. So are guitar riffs and comedic riffs. Cons: Reduction may be too honest a word choice for today’s jittery-squirrel-like stockholders. terminate, termination Pros: Reminds me of the awesome expression for assassination—“terminate with extreme prejudice.” Hmm. Is that really a pro? Cons: Reminders of death seldom warm the cockles of employer or employee. sack Pros: The many meanings of sack form a coherent chorus: Loss of life, jobs, and yards go together nicely. Cons: Scores low on the deceit-o-meter every CEO carries in their utility belt. synergy-related headcount restructuring Pros: Synergy is a magical word makes anything sound golden to businesspeople… Cons: … and absolutely preposterous to the rest of us.