A friend posted this on FB. I figured some of you would like them.
I don’t understand all of them. I need bchad and S2000 to explain them to me.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
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What do you get when cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
The first logician says “I don’t know.”
The second logician says “I don’t know.”
The third logician says, “Yes!!”
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Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing hide-and-seek. It’s Einstein’s turn to count, so he covers his eyes and starts counting to ten. Pascal runs off and hides. Netwon draws a one meter by one meter square on the ground in front of Einstein, then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches ten and uncovers his eyes. He immediately sees Newton and exclaims, “Newton! I found you! You’re it!”
Newton smiles and says, “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”
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A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment. They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed. The experimenter says that every 30 seconds they will be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician snorted, “This is pointless” and stormed off.
The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. But the mathematician exclaimed, “Don’t you see? You’ll never actually reach her?”
The engineer replied, “So what? Pretty soon, I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!”
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”
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Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please!”
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A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife impatiently asks, “So, is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies, “Yes.”
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Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of “Being and Nothingness”. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized”.
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Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
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Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Noam Chomsky all walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke. But how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?”
Godel replies, “We can’t know because we’re inside the joke.”
Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh shit! I forgot to feed the dog!”
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Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.
A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”
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A Higgs Boson walks into a church, and the priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”
The Higgs Boson replies, “But without me, how could you have mass?”
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The programmer’s wife tells him, “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
#16 ==> Shroedinger’s cat was a cat in an (imaginary) experiment used to visualize a particular idea in quantum mechanics - as I understand it, the idea that an electron behaves like a particle AND a wave simultaneously, until the point that it is measured – when it reverts to being a particle.
Basically a cat is placed in a box with a contraption (radiation + poison) that will randomly kill or not kill the cat every moment. Once that box is closed, the cat is simultaneously dead and/or alive. Only once we open the box does the cat take on one of the binary states.
edit: I’m sure I described it wrong here…Just felt cool because I just read “Moral Calculations” by Lazlo Mero and was certain I didn’t retain a lick of it.
#10: Entropy is the gradual breaking down (disorganization) of everything.
#12: The numeral 31 in base 8 (octal, oct for short) is the same number as the numeral 25 in base 10 (decimal, dec for short).
#13: Heisenberg is known for his uncertainty principle: the total uncertainty about a particle’s position and velocity is positive (i.e., you cannot know both with certainty). Kurt Gödel is known for his work in formal mathematical systems, in many of which theorems (i.e., true statements) can be formulated within the system, but cannot be proven within the system (but can be proven from outside the system). Noam Chomsky is known for his work in linguistic theory and grammar.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of “Being and Nothingness”. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Sartre philosophy is really f*ucking weird and confusing, but in “Being and Nothingess” i think he explains and uses some examples to show that “Nothing” has qualities, it isn’t simply just nothing (e.g., it’s the lack of something in particular). the cafe cant offer the nothingness [lack] of cream, but they can offer him the nothingness [lack] of milk.
at least thats how i’ve always understood that one
I still don’t understand the Chomsky stuff. Unless you believe that Chomsky can only find what’s wrong with everything. Maybe that’s the underlying joke.
Somebody else on AF called Chomsky a “class A chode”. I agree.
And I’m no authority on Chomsky either. But he was a hero to my socialist “hate America first” friend. The little that I heard about him just made me feel like he was polemic. And he thought he was smart for it.
