List of things an AFer shouldn’t say to his girlfriend or wife

Since V-day is around the corner and we don’t want to see any guy ruining his chances with that special girl (we married guys are already stuck anyway, but the Mrs. could still poison us, right?) probably it’s good idea to put together a list of stuff we AFers have said without much thought that later on haunted us back. Here are a few items that come on top of my head about things I’ve said that probably shouldn’t have, so I’ll go first.

  1. “People don’t live forever you know. Your dad is past 70 so I’d check the current life expectancy first before making any long term decision.” Lesson: when it comes to her parents, act like if they are eternal, otherwise you’ll be labeled as a heartless SOB.

  2. “Of course I won’t cheat on you; those 21 y/o interns would never find me attractive now that I’m pushing 35.” Lesson: don’t imply that given the opportunity you would go balls deep with one of your interns. Just say you love her.

  3. “I think you and your friends look like funny bees with those oversized sunglasses, don’t you think?” Lesson: When in doubt, just STFU.

Any other lapse of judgment to build this list will be appreciated.

I feel as if I mess up everytime I’m talking so i can probably add to this list:

  1. Maybe we should go to the gym together?
  • although you may just be trying to sneak in a workout during your busy days, it will more than likely be viewed as judgement towards her body.
  1. Louboutin shoes are a waste of money
  • Useless cause trying to explain veblen goods
  1. This augments to your #2, but admitting other girls are attractive
  • Regardless if its Carmen Electra in her prime, its best just to avoid the subject of whether or not she is attractive

Just the tip

Dont forget to cup the balls…

“I only used Bang With Friends as a joke - I don’t really want to bone all your friends”.

This thread could get interesting. .

This works as both an observation and something you shouldn’t say to your gf.

You mean we weren’t actually broken up a few months ago when you said you hated me, never wanted to see me again, and that I should just go f*ck your best friend Katie if I really think she looked good in that sluttly little dress she was wearing at the party?

“I thought that giving your lawyers half of my stuff meant that it was now ok to sleep with your sister.”

“i think that youve earned that 20 dollar tip. Take it feom the 244 dollars on the dresser.”

I am beginning to see why there are no women on AF…

Oooook guys back to being constructive, “Stop being crazy” “You’re being crazy, any normal person…” or any variation thereof

This reminds me, I love girls who can take it and dish it.

Like if I tell my gf about a gorgeous girl I saw, she wont forget to mention the Tom Brady look-a-like she saw on the train.

Things I have actually said to my GF:

  1. Your mittens look like dead squirrels

  2. I think you ass has gotten bigger

  3. No, you don’t look good in that dress

  4. She asked: “Why do you hang out with Friend x soo much.” My answer: “Simple, I love Friend x more than you, dont try to compete, you’ll lose”

When your wife is pregnant, don’t ever pick up on the fact that she really doesn’t need to eat that third pastry on the plate. I’ve learnt that if you do that, she will likely pick up the plate and literally throw it at you.

If her dad borrows our car while we are on holiday and totals it and doesn’t tell you about it, don’t think about the car, act like you’re overjoyed that he is alive and escaped without injury. Worrying about the car and the insurance mess ahead makes you look like a total asshole.

Plenty more where I’ve put my foot in it but those are two example that straight away sprung to the top of my head.

You actually dealt with that car thing gracefully? Mad props- I would’ve been 10x worse