Manhattan s3x mystery

Ok so like Donald Trump I’m generally very very good at figuring things out, since that’s what I do for a living. But this particular mystery’s been bugging me for a while and I can’t figure out what happened. A couple weeks ago, I saw another one of my neighbors in the building across the street having s3x with a riduculously hot brunette. Sounds pretty typical for a single dude in Manhattan right? You would think so, until you consider that:’

-I’ve been living in this apartment for 4 years and never once saw this dude having s3x that entire time, much less with a “10” like that

-This dude shares a 1 bedroom apartment with another dude, and his bed is in the living room with no blinds which is why I am able to peep into his daily life. He is clearly not rich.

-He is probably late 20s/early 30s by my guess, but he looks like he’s about 45 years old. He’s got an old-looking face, some graying around the edges, and has a pot belly that hangs over the underwear that he wears around the apt all day. He also smokes like a chimney.

-6 out of 7 nights of the week he’s sitting at his desk doing something on the computer. He rarely has guests over, much less female guests. He’s not a social butterfly for sure, and I’m guessing he doesn’t have an engaging personality to make up for his lack of looks.

So now I’m trying to guess what transpired with the hot brunette s3x session. I came up with a few theories, but none of them really stand the test of all the facts I just presented above:

Theory #1 - the chick was a high priced escort. Possible, except for the fact that they had s3x at least twice (could’ve been more, but I fell asleep after watching the second time) and she spent the night.

Theory #2 - one night stand. Unlikely, given this dude’s combination of ugliness, lack of wealth, and likely lack of personality. He also has an average sized d, so the chick wasn’t banging him for his foot long.

Theory #3 - a chick he’s dated for a while and brought home for the first time to have s3x, and the s3x was bad which explains why she hasn’t been back since. Unlikely for all the same reasons as #2.

At this point I’m going with #1, but if someone has a more plausible Theory #4 I’m interested to hear.

Crap. Do you live next to me???

Implausible. No way a man of your impressive height has an average sized d.


Haven’t we heard this story before?

I think he just passed CFA level 1. When I finally passed this grueling test, I similarly experienced lines of hot women demanding my genetic material. This is also consistent with his many nights spent alone, presumably studying to attain this important credential.

I thought iheart lives in some 10 bedroom suburban mansion. I call BS.

That house is for the wife and kids. Surely ihihm kept the Manhattan penthouse for himself during the workweek.

Hmm yeah, I forgot the wife and kids. The neighbor’s shannanigans are presumably visible to them as well. The family that watches neighbor sex together stays together, is what my grandfather used to say.

I own both. Living in the apartment while the house is being renovated. BTW the $25,000 it cost to paint the house is now $30,000, since we’re also replacing all the trim and soffits with Azec, which is rot-proof and the new hot home construction thing.

^ever find out who the dude was that jumped off your building last year?

Theory #4: She did it for drugs?