I agree that many times people do marry for the wrong reasons. However, “lonely and needy” doesn’t necessarily come from lack of social skills. Often people (women esp, but men as well) are looking for this type of closeness/emotional intimacy that even best friends can never provide.
I mean…I kind of agree with this. If you’re going to get married that means sharing everything. You have to really love someone and be completely devoted to their happiness for you not to feel like shit when she’s spending your hard earned bread (she probably has her own too but presumably she can/will spend yours) because it’s no longer YOURS it’s OURS. IF I ever get married I’d have to feel this way about her…or else I’d eventually resent her or get bored of her. I’m not all about marriage…I don’t even know if I’ll get married…all I know is if I do, it would be to a chick who made me feel this way, wanting only to make her happy and deriving my happiness from her. Have not met a chick who can do that yet.
I just don’t think 50/50 relationships can work just like how 50/50 partnerships in business usually fail. You need a dominant person (not domineering) and the other one has to be supportive of that dominant person without being resentful.
I don’t think the article is about “the more you give, the more you will receive”, if you have that mentality, marriage definitely is NOT for you.
I think when you marry someone, that person becomes your family, and you will do anything for your family without getting anything back. I mean, i don’t know your relationship with your parents/ siblings, but if one of my family member has a medical condition and wants my kidney, i will donate no questions ask. if my family needs (financial) support, i will provide for them, again, not expecting it to be paid back.
I think the magical part about love (any kind of love) is that, you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy, just that, no strings attached. it’s not about what you’re getting back, it’s about being happy and content by simply making someone else happy.
Having said that, i am not saying the only way to make someone happy is to marry her, i mean, not everyone wants to get married, and i don’t think marriage is for everyone.
The secret to keeping your woman is being a bada$$ to the people in the outside world while having a soft spot for your wife and children behind closed doors. Show her you can survive outside the household while being a teddy bear inside it.
“I think the magical part about love (any kind of love) is that, you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy, just that, no strings attached. it’s not about what you’re getting back, it’s about being happy and content by simply making someone else happy.”
so you love someone so much that you want that person to be happy. i don’t get how wanting someone to be happy doesn’t equate to personal happiness to yourself. how can it “not [be] about what you’re getting back”, but still about being “happy and content”? The only way this is possible is if you only choose to be with someone who you despise or feel nothing towards, but is somehow happy being with you.
there is no way around it. all love is selfish, as it should be.
hmm… i am trying to understand what you are trying to say, but it’s hard being it’s so abstract.
I think what i am trying to get at is, if you love someone (doesn’t matter if that’s your lover, your son, your mother…) you want the best for them. Let’s say you know he/she loves the drumsticks, you would save that for them. You know that person is under the weather and you go buy medicine for them, even if it’s raining outside and you are super tired from work and you wouldn’t otherwise want to go out, etc etc… those, in my opinion, are not “selfish” acts, eventhough you are willing to do so.
Same way goes to marriage, if you know your lover wants to get married, you do that for them, eventhough perhaps you don’t particularly believe in it. i can see why people would do it for the other half.
those things are not selfish in your opinion because you don’t understand the definition of selfishness. you (like 99% of the population) cofuse selfishness with being ‘self destructive’. for example if you always take the drumstick, knowing that your partner wants it sometimes, you are being self destructive not selfish. you get a drumstick (short term gain) but you will likely end up losing someone you presumably care about (long term loss = unhappiness). you give the drumstick to someone you care about because you value your own long term happiness. you make this calculation regardless of whether or not you’re conscious of it.
people who chose short term gain at the expense of long term happiness are incorreclty labeled as “selfish”. The correct term for them is “self destructive” because the goal of one’s life should be long term maximization of happiness.
It’s like saying a mother doesn’t actually have unconditional love for her child, she is subconciously calculating her benefit before saving her child’s life in danger…
that sounds so… brutal. i choose not to believe your theory.
again your child in danger example shows you don’t understand the logic of the argument. that situation does not go against the argument.
you can choose not to believe it all you want, but it’s reality and the key to happiness. if you ever find yourself in a relationship with someone who embodies your highest values (as long as those values are moral) while at the same time you are the embodiment of their highest values, you’ll understand. You’ll be so eager to earn their love that nothing you do for them will be “work” or “difficult” when you consider it in the context of long term happiness. And your partner will be eager to reciprocate. You will both be acting out of selfishness and you will both be extremely happy. That is love. Anything else is less than love and is reflective of someone in the relationship who does not hold themselves in the highest value (i.e. they don’t think they’re good enough or deserve to achieve their highest values in a partner).
Ok nana, good luck to you. When you inevitably find yourself in an unhappy marriage or spinster life, come back and check out the science I just dropped on you and maybe it will sink in.
Haha, i hope that doesn’t happen, but thanks for your help.
I mean, your perspective is probably valid, i am not saying you are wrong, i am just not sure if everyone thinks that way. as many people get married for different reasons, and many couples choose NOT to get married for many reasons, i don’t think one theory fits all.
If it’s that easy or it can be understood rationally, people wouldn’t have so many love/ relationship problems.