Re-post: Jennifer Jameson story

I hope this thread doesn’t get deleted. It does however contain relevant L3 material to help you memorize certain topics :wink: I’m re-posting it because it’s a funny story I wrote and when I posted the final part I think the forum was deserted. Perhaps the new L3 candidates will get a laugh out of it. It’s a long read because I kept adding to it. Feel free to post additional financial puns if you can think of any. -------------------------------------------------------------- Jennifer Jameson is an analist at ATM Hedge Funds. One of the funds currently hold crude oil barrels in offshore tankers. Looking at the price of gasoline, she is concerned that her crack spread is too tight. “I’m used to having a wide crack spread”, Jameson proclaims. Concerned, she contacts Coby Thai, CFA, who is a former colleague now working at Beau Cockey Investments. Jameson expresses her desire to hedge her crude oil risks possibly with Thai’s department. Instead, Thai proposes to her that they enter into a swap. “I’ve been holding too many share of Seimens. I need to dump some but I’d rather swap exposure with your holdings in EAS, which is a leading producer of protein shakes.” Jameson agrees. Later on, Jameson has the bright idea of having a 3-way swap with another former colleague residing Mexico, Tracy Lourdes. She calls Lourdes on her lunch break and proposes trading her new exposure in Siemens with one of her currency holdings. Lourdes says, “how about my holdings in Vietnamese Dong?” Jameson hesitates as she remembers the last time she held Dongs the value shrunk. However, she realizes that she’s having “rigid” views and that it may provide a better hedge so agrees. Lourdes finishes her taco and sets up the swap. At the end of the day Jameson is exhausted so she masturbates. -------------------------------------------------------------- The Jennifer Jameson adventures continues… It is now 3 months later and Jameson is up for a promotion at ATM due to her profitable swap. Thai on the other hand, has lost millions for her firm. “I’m going to be looking for a new job as of next week”, Thai says over the phone to Jameson. Feeling guilty, Jameson informs Thai that ATM is looking for some new analists. “I could set you up with the department manager Ronald Jeremy”, she says. Thai is ecstatic as she never really liked working at Beau Cocky Investments in the first place. “There are too many men working at Beau Cocky and I’m constantly surrounded by them”, Thai complains. Jameson refers Thai to Jeremy. The following week Thai meets with Jeremy for an interview. Jeremy decides to test her knowledge. “I want you to perform a strip hedge”, Jeremy asks. "If you can do it I may put you on board. Jeremy closes his office door and Thai begins. Meanwhile, Jameson is finishing up some last touches on her options modeling program. Petey North, a co-worker, asks how it works. “It’s basically a modification of a traditional butterfly spread with 2 short calls in the middle”, Jameson explains. “Instead of 2 calls I like to fit maybe 3 or 4 in middle. I have my exit point planned precisely at $69.” North looks at Jameson’s coding and is quite excited. He decides insert his liquid funds from his personal bank account into Jameson’s derivatives trading account to get in on the profits. As the stock is ripping Jameson yells, “$69 has hit, you must pull out. It’s my exit!” “Your exit?” North asks. “Not today it isn’t hun.” Soon the buzz hits the office floor and there are 12 co-workers surrounding Jameson’s little terminal. One by one they deposit their money into Jameson’s black box program. Jenna eventually grows tired and decides to visit Jeremy to see how Thai did in her interview. -------------------------------------------------------------- And the chronicles continue… “How did she do?” Jameson asks. “Well I asked her to perform a strip hedge”, Jeremy explains. “I may call her in again but it took her 20 minutes just to get half way through. Plus she had bad breath. However, I think I’ll have her work under me. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about that sausage company that you’re currently researching, Woody Johnson Bratwursts.” “Yes they’re a very profitable subsidiary of one of the largest food services company in the world”, Jameson explains. “They’ve figured out how to eliminate substantial nitrites in their smoking process to make them carcinogenic-free. They’re also quite big in Jamaica and I had the pleasure of trying many on my last vacation there. Using the mosaic theory, I am anticipating a large stock movement either way.” She decides to set up a long straddle and shouts, “Whichever way it goes, I’m going to get a payoff from this straddle.” Jeremy is a little confused at how much of an expert she already is in the sausage industry. He says, “You never told me about trying so many before”. Jameson replies, “I’m a woman and women are sensitive about revealing their diets. In addition, I had it on my vacation so I always omit it when someone asks.” Jameson continues with her research on Woody Johnson’s financial statements. She’s a little puzzled at how profitable the company is. Woody Johnson has almost no debt, very little expenses, and immense profits. “There’s something fishy about this company”, Jameson whispers to herself. “I can’t quite put my finger in it- I mean on it, but I’ll find out.“ She opts to work late so she could further examine and probe the company’s assets. Eureka. After spending the entire night researching, she discovers that Woody Johnson has been partaking in fraudulent accounting practices. They’ve been setting up dozens of offshore entities to hide losses and record fictitious revenue: Swaps have been valued using anticipated profits; premiums from the sale of naked calls were recorded while billions in losses on the underlying were hidden; failure to recognize asset impairments and almost every other shenanigan one can think of. The next day Jameson calls the chief compliance officer, Debbie in the Dallas office. She explains her findings and sends the full report. Debbie says, “I assume you took both a top-down and bottoms-up approach to this. if you what you say is true you’re going to be responsible for uncovering one of the biggest scandals ever. I will contact you next week.” Too be continued! -------------------------------------------------------------- The finale (almost) Jameson hangs up the phone and heads for lunch. She passes by the cubicle of Sasha Grey, the new 18-year old co-op student who is still in high school. Sasha is quite intelligent and has had exemption from the CFAI to write the CFA exams. She is now a level 3 Candidate (don’t ask me how but let’s just assume that the people who run the CFAI are all men). However, Grey is a little frustrated trying to memorize such obscure and seemingly irrelevant topics. She yells, “I just can’t get these macro performance attribution concepts down. Risk-free investment, net contributions… what order is it in?!” Jameson replies, “The order is Net Contributions, Risk-free asset, Asset Categories, Benchmark, Investment Manager, and Allocation effects. There’s a rule of thumb I apply in real life that I use to memorize it: ‘(N)ever ®im (a) (b)ig (i)cky (a)ss’.” “Wow Jen that’s amazing,” Grey says joyfully as she adjusts her pig-tails. “Maybe you can teach me some more things after work at my house as you have so much experience in this industry.” One week later Jameson gets a phone call from Debbie in Dallas. “Congratulations! You’ve successfully implicated Woody Johnson and their holding company, BDSM Assets,” Debbie exclaims. “The CEO Kenneth Laid will be in prison for a very long time because of your great work. You will be honoured here in Dallas at the Republican convention this week. I will put you on a plane and we’ll see you here!” Jameson arrives at the convention hall and is greeted by Peter Olinto, who is the head instructor for Stalla’s CFA program. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Jennifer,” Olinto says in a heavy New York accent. “We’re going honor you with…” To be continued… -------------------------------------------------------------- The finale… As Jameson wonders what Olinto is about to say, he pulls a rope which opens a large curtain and yells, “A ROAST!!” The audience is an electric crowd filled with the who’s who of politics. The roast begins with the roastmaster, Peter Olinto. One by one each roaster on the dais takes turns roasting Jameson. Jameson is squeamish as they take some hard but complimentary shots at her. The final roaster of the evening is the new second assistant to mayor of Waco Texas, John McCain: “Folks, let’s hear it for your roastmaster and greasy bastard, Peter Olinto! I was going to order Stalla but I opted for Wikipedia instead. A horse taking a dump in a parade has a bigger following than Stalla. In fact, Stalla’s mission statement says to order Schweser! Ladies and gentleman, I have for you the butt of America: On the dais are George Pubes, Penis Cheney, and Rectum Powell. What a bunch of ugly mother**kers! You know they’re ugly when Janet Reno and Ron Paul are invited here as eye-candy. Don’t you laugh Mr. Stephen D. Colbert. Did I mention that ‘D’ in his middle name stands for ‘Dick’ and Colbert is a type of cheese? Mr. Dick cheese here actually tried to run for president but the Democratic Party refused his application after the early consensus showed him less favourable than the banjo kid from Deliverance. And Sarah Palin is in the house. Let’s hear it for Sarah! I like Sarah but she still believes that the Bush Doctrine is someone she has to visit twice a year for a pap smear. Ok, enough about these sorry losers. Without further ado, here is the lady of the night—Jennifer Jameson!” Jameson takes the podium and begins her speech: “In all seriousness, it feels great to be honored here after exposing Kenneth Laid and his corporate scandals. Never in my wettest dreams as a sweet and innocent young woman did I believe that I would accomplish such a thing. I come from a modest beginning in the field of finance. As an intern at DP Group, I’ve taken many shots in the face for my gumption but I’ve always come back harder. As an analist at S&M Corp., I’ve bent over backwards to satisfy upper management. Finally, at ATM Hedge Funds, my experience has truly left anything but a bad taste in my mouth. Nonetheless, my career has had its share of ups and downs. I’ve pioneered state of the art trading software based on bid-ask spreads. You can say that I have a taste for exploiting wide spreads. I’ve also witnessed tragedy watching colleagues invest in the now defunct Harris Interactive Inc. (NASDAQ: HIV) and have to leave the industry. In my last transaction, I made a pre-tax profit of $2.8M holding Dong in my asset account. Due to my performance, I have been probed many times by the SEC only for them to find that their injections were premature. However, I have been able to turn the other cheek. And now, I’m glad to say that I’ve actually made a big squirt- I mean splash on the industry. So I’d like to thank the gang here for giving me the biggest bang of my career! Thank you!” The crowd goes crazy with cheers and whistles. As a standing ovation assumes in the crowd, Peter Olinto whispers to himself, “She’s on her way to a CFA, baby.” -THE END-

This is hilarious. I’d be surprised if it is not flagged.

wow…this is amazing. I was laughing out loud after the first sentence of “Jennifer Jameson is an analist at ATM Hedge Funds”

i dont think this will post will go will with the female posters.

BiPolarBoyBoston Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > i dont think this will post will go will with the > female posters. And what’s your point?! Haha If they have a sense of humor they will enjoy it too

absolutely hysterical. you should publish this in the next Financial Analysts Journal.

hahah… too good Slash!

Epic !

Thanks everyone. Feel free to copy and paste this story and distribute it to others who are taking doing the CFA program. I emailed it around to my colleagues and they all had some good laughs and then sent it to other finance people.

I think I will send it to my professors too.


uuuuuuughh that was gooood

Awesome dude!!!

Upping this thread for entertainment. Valuable memory tools in here for some last minute help :stuck_out_tongue: