Manager at a Grocery Store 1. I get it. You forgot your reusable bags. Declaring it to me, along with some light self-deprecating humor, will not save the earth. Do you know what’s even more infuriating than your complete lack of respect for our planet? It’s when I offer to set your purchases aside while you go out to your car & get them, & you balk. As if. It’s too hot/cold/far/windy for you to be bothered. I mean, you got a ton of shit to do today, and an extra 90 seconds will completely disrupt your flow! You know what else is going to disrupt your flow? Global warming. 2. I know you’re in a hurry! That’s why you just wandered through my store for 45 minutes, stopping to get a coffee & pick through every yogurt on the shelf to find the one with the longest expiration date. But please don’t try to pack your own bags to be efficient. I can ring you up and pack your bags much faster, if you’d let me, and I’ll pack them so the bags don’t break, the fruit doesn’t get bruised, and the meat doesn’t leak all over your tampons. Just let me do it. It’s my job. I don’t come to your job & hover over you, doing whatever it is you do half assed and harried. 3. Even the longest expiration date on any dairy product is still farther out than it should take you to enjoy said dairy product. Unless you like to buy your sour cream in the summer for use at your Thanksgiving table, just chill the fuck out. Better yet, if you want your dairy to last longer, chill IT the fuck out – don’t leave it in your car for 4 hours while you get a mani/pedi & take a power lunge at your bikram class. 4. Talk to me. I know everything about the store, and why. I’ll show you the best deals, and steer you away from disappointing dinners. I’ll tell you to buy avocados today because they’re going up 20 cents each tomorrow. I’ll give you the inside track. If you want to shop in silence, order your groceries online. If you want to be sure that I double check your eggs for cracks, and blueberries for mold, don’t act like a dickhead when I say HI! Just say HI! back. 5. Pick up a basket if you just need a few things. Oh, just a few things you say? PICK UP A BASKET! Walking around with an armful of crap, and then stopping to pick through the cheeses of the world is how accidents happen. Oh, but you just needed to pick up a few things? I heard you, dude! USE A FUCKING BASKET! I don’t care if a basket maker raped your mom in front of you as a kid, if you come up to my register & dump your groceries onto me like a kid with a bucket of duplo blocks, I guarantee you that at least one of them has a thumbprint squished in it, a ripped plastic package, or a crack in it somewhere. You are not an exception. 6. There is not something for everyone. I don’t know where you got this idea, perhaps the internet, but the internet lies. There may be specialty items such as gluten-free, sugar free, chocolate free brownies somewhere out there, being made my some fastidious & creative jerkface, but they are not widely available. There is no soy free soy milk. Stop asking. 7. My employer has put a lot of thought into our workplace. This includes several trash cans, widely available in all areas of the store. Please do not hand me your garbage & ask for me to throw it away. I am touching your food, and then someone else’s food, and then someone else’s food after that. As a matter of fact, I touched someone’s garbage just before I touched your food. How does that make you feel? Exactly. So stop. 8. If you and your two best friends are shopping together after having a light lunch? – woo-hoo! – but please just do us all a favor, especially the guy behind you, and use separate carts or baskets. Hovering over your cart, barking at me which items I may ring up next isn’t just annoying to me, the person your barking at, it’s annoying to everyone behind you. Remember all those faces you were making when that lady in front of you was writing out her check? The guy behind you is making that same face at you right now. You’re supposed to pass along smiles, not that face. 9. I just asked you about your day because talking to people, finding out their interests, having meaningful dialogue about what is going on, is preferable to silence, and it fulfills my need to connect with people. I got into this business because I’m a people person. The least you can do is chat with me like I’m a human being. Believe me, if I wanted to ignore you, chat with my co-worker while I leisurely ring you up, and get away with it – I could. 10. Put your cart back. I don’t care. Excuses are like children. You think yours is awesome, but we all think they’re stupid & self-serving. You know why we raised our prices? Because we had to hire two pot-head fifteen year olds & a couple of angry militant retirees to collect your damn carts.
Dude, take some Midol and STFU
grocery store humor never gets old
I used to envy the desperate housewife milfs he got to ogle daily. But the bitchy attitude they trump changed my mind in a hurry.
Also, the milk maids. The women that go through every gallon of milk, looking for that later date as if somewhere beyond all the other gallons, is a container of milk that won’t go bad for like a decade.
the “Egg Men” - who’s life is evoted to finding the perfect dozen. most of them are guidance counselors.
Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it round tine. That’s gold, Jerry! Gold!
Screw you grocery store manager - I’m a bagging champ. I’d outbag your whole squad of pimple faced teens while still macking on a cougar in lane 6 and arranging perishable items in a manner which would make even the most OCD cracker blush. Arial10 you are an enigma to me.
Arial, wtf? Tell your roommate to drink a Corona and watch an episode of Seinfeld!
Arial10 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Manager at a Grocery Store > > 1. I get it. You forgot your reusable bags. > Declaring it to me, along with some light > self-deprecating humor, will not save the earth. > Do you know what’s even more infuriating than your > complete lack of respect for our planet? It’s when > I offer to set your purchases aside while you go > out to your car & get them, & you balk. As if. > It’s too hot/cold/far/windy for you to be > bothered. I mean, you got a ton of shit to do > today, and an extra 90 seconds will completely > disrupt your flow! You know what else is going to > disrupt your flow? Global warming. > > 2. I know you’re in a hurry! That’s why you just > wandered through my store for 45 minutes, stopping > to get a coffee & pick through every yogurt on the > shelf to find the one with the longest expiration > date. But please don’t try to pack your own bags > to be efficient. I can ring you up and pack your > bags much faster, if you’d let me, and I’ll pack > them so the bags don’t break, the fruit doesn’t > get bruised, and the meat doesn’t leak all over > your tampons. Just let me do it. It’s my job. I > don’t come to your job & hover over you, doing > whatever it is you do half assed and harried. > > 3. Even the longest expiration date on any dairy > product is still farther out than it should take > you to enjoy said dairy product. Unless you like > to buy your sour cream in the summer for use at > your Thanksgiving table, just chill the fuck out. > Better yet, if you want your dairy to last longer, > chill IT the fuck out – don’t leave it in your > car for 4 hours while you get a mani/pedi & take a > power lunge at your bikram class. > > 4. Talk to me. I know everything about the store, > and why. I’ll show you the best deals, and steer > you away from disappointing dinners. I’ll tell you > to buy avocados today because they’re going up 20 > cents each tomorrow. I’ll give you the inside > track. If you want to shop in silence, order your > groceries online. If you want to be sure that I > double check your eggs for cracks, and blueberries > for mold, don’t act like a dickhead when I say HI! > Just say HI! back. > > 5. Pick up a basket if you just need a few things. > Oh, just a few things you say? PICK UP A BASKET! > Walking around with an armful of crap, and then > stopping to pick through the cheeses of the world > is how accidents happen. Oh, but you just needed > to pick up a few things? I heard you, dude! USE A > FUCKING BASKET! I don’t care if a basket maker > raped your mom in front of you as a kid, if you > come up to my register & dump your groceries onto > me like a kid with a bucket of duplo blocks, I > guarantee you that at least one of them has a > thumbprint squished in it, a ripped plastic > package, or a crack in it somewhere. You are not > an exception. > > 6. There is not something for everyone. I don’t > know where you got this idea, perhaps the > internet, but the internet lies. There may be > specialty items such as gluten-free, sugar free, > chocolate free brownies somewhere out there, being > made my some fastidious & creative jerkface, but > they are not widely available. There is no soy > free soy milk. Stop asking. > > 7. My employer has put a lot of thought into our > workplace. This includes several trash cans, > widely available in all areas of the store. Please > do not hand me your garbage & ask for me to throw > it away. I am touching your food, and then someone > else’s food, and then someone else’s food after > that. As a matter of fact, I touched someone’s > garbage just before I touched your food. How does > that make you feel? Exactly. So stop. > > 8. If you and your two best friends are shopping > together after having a light lunch? – woo-hoo! > – but please just do us all a favor, especially > the guy behind you, and use separate carts or > baskets. Hovering over your cart, barking at me > which items I may ring up next isn’t just annoying > to me, the person your barking at, it’s annoying > to everyone behind you. Remember all those faces > you were making when that lady in front of you was > writing out her check? The guy behind you is > making that same face at you right now. You’re > supposed to pass along smiles, not that face. > > 9. I just asked you about your day because talking > to people, finding out their interests, having > meaningful dialogue about what is going on, is > preferable to silence, and it fulfills my need to > connect with people. I got into this business > because I’m a people person. The least you can do > is chat with me like I’m a human being. Believe > me, if I wanted to ignore you, chat with my > co-worker while I leisurely ring you up, and get > away with it – I could. > > 10. Put your cart back. I don’t care. Excuses are > like children. You think yours is awesome, but we > all think they’re stupid & self-serving. You know > why we raised our prices? Because we had to hire > two pot-head fifteen year olds & a couple of angry > militant retirees to collect your damn carts. you’re a fuckin goof, and i mean that in the canadian convict slang way.
bodhisattva Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > you’re a fuckin goof, and i mean that in the > canadian convict slang way. You expect me to be familiar with the slang of Canadian inmates? Explain please.
99 cannon sloop Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > bodhisattva Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > you’re a fuckin goof, and i mean that in the > > canadian convict slang way. > > You expect me to be familiar with the slang of > Canadian inmates? Explain please. commonly believed to be a slur indicating that the person it is being directed at is a child molester or sexual predator, which is also synonymous with the term skinner. That is not entirely a correct interpretation however as it is more commonly used as an acronym for Get.Off(the unit).Or.Fight. Basically, if someone calls you a goof, you have two choices, you can check into protective custody and do your time with child molesters, rapists and rats or you can fight. Failure to do either ensures grievous injury or death as you become persona non grata on the unit. And thats the lesson for the day.
Thanks!
Arial10 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Manager at a Grocery Store > > 1. I get it. You forgot your reusable bags. > Declaring it to me, along with some light > self-deprecating humor, will not save the earth. > Do you know what’s even more infuriating than your > complete lack of respect for our planet? It’s when > I offer to set your purchases aside while you go > out to your car & get them, & you balk. As if. > It’s too hot/cold/far/windy for you to be > bothered. I mean, you got a ton of shit to do > today, and an extra 90 seconds will completely > disrupt your flow! You know what else is going to > disrupt your flow? Global warming. So how is your flow doing this month? 
> 2. I know you’re in a hurry! That’s why you just > wandered through my store for 45 minutes, stopping > to get a coffee & pick through every yogurt on the > shelf to find the one with the longest expiration > date. But please don’t try to pack your own bags > to be efficient. I can ring you up and pack your > bags much faster, if you’d let me, and I’ll pack > them so the bags don’t break, the fruit doesn’t > get bruised, and the meat doesn’t leak all over > your tampons. Just let me do it. It’s my job. I > don’t come to your job & hover over you, doing > whatever it is you do half assed and harried. Just remember, even though you’re a cashier, you can’t put ‘money manager’ on your resume. 
> 3. Even the longest expiration date on any dairy > product is still farther out than it should take > you to enjoy said dairy product. Unless you like > to buy your sour cream in the summer for use at > your Thanksgiving table, just chill the fuck out. > Better yet, if you want your dairy to last longer, > chill IT the fuck out – don’t leave it in your > car for 4 hours while you get a mani/pedi & take a > power lunge at your bikram class. I’m glad you’re concerned about the life and death of dairy products. Possible screenplay? > 4. Talk to me. I know everything about the store, > and why. I’ll show you the best deals, and steer > you away from disappointing dinners. I’ll tell you > to buy avocados today because they’re going up 20 > cents each tomorrow. I’ll give you the inside > track. If you want to shop in silence, order your > groceries online. If you want to be sure that I > double check your eggs for cracks, and blueberries > for mold, don’t act like a dickhead when I say HI! > Just say HI! back. Oh, believe me, you’re doing all the talking here. I need not say a thing. > 5. Pick up a basket if you just need a few things. > Oh, just a few things you say? PICK UP A BASKET! > Walking around with an armful of crap, and then > stopping to pick through the cheeses of the world > is how accidents happen. Oh, but you just needed > to pick up a few things? I heard you, dude! USE A > FUCKING BASKET! I don’t care if a basket maker > raped your mom in front of you as a kid, if you > come up to my register & dump your groceries onto > me like a kid with a bucket of duplo blocks, I > guarantee you that at least one of them has a > thumbprint squished in it, a ripped plastic > package, or a crack in it somewhere. You are not > an exception. Basket maker rape is a serious offense, not to be toyed around with . . . > 6. There is not something for everyone. I don’t > know where you got this idea, perhaps the > internet, but the internet lies. There may be > specialty items such as gluten-free, sugar free, > chocolate free brownies somewhere out there, being > made my some fastidious & creative jerkface, but > they are not widely available. There is no soy > free soy milk. Stop asking. Creative . . . jerkface? > 7. My employer has put a lot of thought into our > workplace. This includes several trash cans, > widely available in all areas of the store. Please > do not hand me your garbage & ask for me to throw > it away. I am touching your food, and then someone > else’s food, and then someone else’s food after > that. As a matter of fact, I touched someone’s > garbage just before I touched your food. How does > that make you feel? Exactly. So stop. That’s some graphic food touching. > 8. If you and your two best friends are shopping > together after having a light lunch? – woo-hoo! > – but please just do us all a favor, especially > the guy behind you, and use separate carts or > baskets. Hovering over your cart, barking at me > which items I may ring up next isn’t just annoying > to me, the person your barking at, it’s annoying > to everyone behind you. Remember all those faces > you were making when that lady in front of you was > writing out her check? The guy behind you is > making that same face at you right now. You’re > supposed to pass along smiles, not that face. Remember all those faces . . . Remember . . . > 9. I just asked you about your day because talking > to people, finding out their interests, having > meaningful dialogue about what is going on, is > preferable to silence, and it fulfills my need to > connect with people. I got into this business > because I’m a people person. The least you can do > is chat with me like I’m a human being. Believe > me, if I wanted to ignore you, chat with my > co-worker while I leisurely ring you up, and get > away with it – I could. As long as your needs are fulfilled . . . but no more details please. . . > 10. Put your cart back. I don’t care. Excuses are > like children. You think yours is awesome, but we > all think they’re stupid & self-serving. You know > why we raised our prices? Because we had to hire > two pot-head fifteen year olds & a couple of angry > militant retirees to collect your damn carts. You seem to care. 
Funny story. Cheers!
I was taught to always reach in and grab the longest expiration date one by my accounting professor in college haha
Arial10 Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Manager at a Grocery Store > > 3. Even the longest expiration date on any dairy > product is still farther out than it should take > you to enjoy said dairy product. > > This isn’t always true