Work experience description- tips?

Hey folks. Sorry to do another one of these.

My work experience got rejected, and I wondered if anyone had any advice. I tried to be specific, but without getting overly detailed. Here’s the text I used:

“I collect and process data on public securities, private equity holdings, and hedge funds. I use the data to generate performance and asset allocation reports for the client, and internal reports that are used in the investment decision-making process.”

Does this seem too vague or too brief? Do I need more detail? Different wording?

I’d appreciate any tips folks have. Thanks in advance.

Emphasize how you add value to the investment decision making process. Do you analyze any of the public securities data? Elaborate on how you used the data in in the investment decision making process. Are you making asset allocation recommendations? Are you doing performance attribution on the investment returns? Rather than focus on what you do, focus on how you directly add value to the investment management process.