Given some of the posts I’ve read on this site, asking this question on this particular forum may not provide the best guidance, but wtf. around 3 yrs ago i had a fwb style relationship that turned diaster (ended up she was looking for much more than what she stated). I now find myself in a similar situation, yet with a younger girl, and im looking for advice not to make the same mistake. Now, some of the blame must be put on me for the past failure (i treated her well and didnt mess around with too many others). I find myself repeating a similar pattern bc for one, i dont have enough time to juggle mutiple ginas, secondly im pretty selective so when i do find myself in these situations, its quality and thus no need to really pursue other prospects unless they are above what i already have.
I open the floor to all you self proclaimed ballers.
I think women who say that just want a FTF relationship usually fall victim to the “more than just FWB” trap. They think that’s all they want, but when it comes down to it, they’ll think it’s turning into a relationship.
As terrible as it sounds, treating your “buddy” like a girlfriend is a mistake. Then she’ll start to think she’s a girlfriend. Not saying you have to treat her like garbage, but you definitely want to finish your business then head out the door. Don’t put a toothbrush at her house, and don’t let her leave any of her crap at yours. This ought to at least help the notion that she’s nothing more than a booty call.
I’ve never pulled off the FWB thing. To me, it seems doomed. 1) Presumably both people have good physical chemistry. 2) They tend to get along amicably. 3) One or the other will be aloof so the other one will start to desire them. 4) If most people bang something long enough they will fall in love with it. I just can’t see that setup working.
I had a friend who always impressed me with these things tell me about his “rule of three.” If it’s not going to be a relationship, you have to limit the number of times you get down and dirty. And the rules are one of two choices, either:
No more than three times (i.e. sessions). Period.
or
No more than once every three weeks.
As for me, the only times things haven’t gotten weird for me in a FWB arrangement have been when these rules would have applied (even though I was not consciously applying them at the time).
My theory is that the Oxytocin hormone that’s released in sex makes it very difficult for most women to have sex more frequently than this and not start to regard the man as more than a friend. By spacing it out, you counter that effect. Of course, Oxytocin affects men too, but generally not as strongly.
Nah, in my experience and not just personally. Its guys get caught up in feelings just as much. especially if he’s under the impression that he’s the man and that he’s the only one she is banging.
I used to spend a lot of time giving advice on these types of situations. This is what I would’ve told you back then:
Based on what I’m seeing, I think you are to blame. I don’t think you know what you want. Or at the very least, don’t communicate what you want effectively. This is how I come to that conclusion:
Surely if you are sending mixed signals to a random guy on the internet, this probably comes across in person as well. The reason BChad’s friend’s rule works is because it keeps the line established. Seems you blurr the line – you are picky so don’t venture out too often, treat her well, but don’t want anything more serious. IMO this one paragraph suggests to me you’ll continue to have this problem unless you change the strategy up OR decide you actually want a GF and admit it.
^good stuff, just coming off a 2 yr relationship so not exactly looking for that. Once June 1st comes along maybe ill start a rotation but more than likely ill just “man up”…
I’ve already broken bchads friends rule so let this forum use this as a proxy for future reference
FWBs have a unique advantage. You can satisfy a few fetishes you probably wouldn’t try with a regular GF. You know: neck, backdoor, footjobs, sodomy, and the like. First you need to ask the chick if she has a few secret fantasies to break the ice on that front. “We’re just friends anyway, right? That’s what friends are for.”
You need your poker face like it’s no biggie while asking for her special interests in order to avoid be seen as a nutjob.
Neck = Choking? Also, backdoor and sodomy are two different categories? I would like to subscribe to your newsletter…
Anyway, with respect to the FWB question: maybe the strategy here is to act clingy yourself. If you act aloof, supposedly that makes girls like you more.
Interesting that bchad summarizes the situation as “chicks act like that because of their hormones” (paraphrasing).
That’s perfectly understandable man. As much as guys love to blame females for being irrational, hormonal, etc it normally comes down to communication and their failure to master that (or ability to even recognize it as the issue). Guys are more explicit and state things, where girls infer more things and are less explicit. Be careful of those subtle things you are doing and you’ll be fine. You’ll also notice a lot of times guys will give you bad advice, because they pay attention to what a girl says and ignore the subtle messages – which are often more useful, both for putting what they say in context and also getting what isn’t being said.