So the teacher in my Sunday School class broke one of the sacred Baptist commandments and mentioned the S-word in class. S-E-X.
I’m in a “young married” type of class. We’re doing a series on how to make your marriage better. Everybody’s married, and most of us have young kids. And he said (correctly so, for those who aren’t married) that your sex life can really fall into a rut after you’ve been married for a while, especially if you have kids.
He went on to liken sex to eating. Most of your meals are home-cooked, which keep you going, but they’re not exactly life-altering or mind blowing. There’s also fast food, which is a quick, cheap alternative to “real” food. (“Hurry up–the kids are taking a nap.”) But every once in a while, you need to treat yourself to a good, gourmet meal at the Michelin Restaurant. (He clarified that, for men, the objective was to “enrich your spouse, not to scare your spouse. I’ll leave it at that.”)
Now, for some strange reason, my wife believes that it’s my responsibility to take charge and plan this whole thing. And I’m at a loss for what to do.
So, for all those in the AFWC, any ideas on how to go about cooking this meal?
(Just FYI - the wife won’t go for any third parties or swinging. I already got shot down for that.)
Manscape everything, I mean completely bald everywhere except your head (cause that would be weird). Save all your hair - this means you’ll have to dry shave, watch out for razor burn. Gather up all your trimmings and place them in a Tiffany’s box. While seductively oiling up your now completely smooth body, present the box to your wife.
I don’t think I have to spell out exactly what comes next.
Well, what this means that you have to spend most of the day seducing her, sending her texts saying how you miss her, how great it’s going to be, bringing flowers home, a bottle of wine, candles lit, a foot massage and kisses along the back of her neck before you go and have 3 and a half minutes of fun…
I’m still struggling to get my head around what a group marriage guidance session looks like with a Baptist minister giving sex advice to newly married couples. That strikes me as quite a bizarre scenario!
Anyway I’ll try to be helpful and suggest a weekend away in a luxury hotel without the kids. What you do after that is up to your imagination.
What this means is you need to step it up and do a bit of romancing. Women want men to take charge (biggest pet peeve woman have with men nowadays I think) not be told what to do. Take charge, let her get dressed up, flirt with her during the day, do a candlelit dinner, buy her nice flowers, etc. basically do the things you used to do when dating/trying to seduce her.
Yes, weekend away in a luxury hotel with no kids and no work distractions. Nice sheets on the bed, room service, hopefully a quaint or interesting neighborhood where you can walk around a bit after you get sick of spending all your time in the hotel room. Niagra falls with a room with a view is nice, except it’s now quite cold there.
Perhaps play a game of non-malicious, NR-17 rated “would you rather” to try to get to know the things that you and your partner haven’t felt quite comfortable bringing up just after church, but wish you could…
Also remember: flowers are to a relationship with a woman as an oil change is to a car. A very inexpensive thing which - done reasonably frequently - keeps everything running smoothly for a long time.