Jokes - Finance Related


A pirate walks into a bar with a piece of paper towel on his head and says, Harrrr!!! I got a Bounty on me head!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey why the long face!! OOHH! BOOM goes the Dynomite.

why didnt the skeleton go to the party? he didnt have anyBODY to go with. WHAT WHAT!!!

Joke #1: Japan Banks Following the problems in the subprime lending market in America, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while shares in Kamikaze Bank today were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. Joke #2: Insufficient Funds I had a cheque returned by my bank earlier. “Insufficient Funds,” it said. My funds or the bank’s? Joke #3: Money Talks Money talks. Trouble is, mine only knows one word — Goodbye. Joke #4: Nigerian Scam Dear American: I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred. Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds. Yours Faithfully, Minister of Treasury Henry M. Paulson Joke #5: Henry Paulson Jogging US Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson was out jogging in Central Park, New York. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun. The masked man said, “Give me all your money!” Unwilling to do so, Paulson said, “You can’t do this, I’m the Treasury Secretary!” The man then replied, “In that case, give me MY money!” Joke #6: Lehman Brothers and George Bush US President George Bush: I am saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman Brothers. My thoughts go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is no doubt a tragedy. Joke #7: Mergers and Consolidations Because of the ongoing market turmoil, several companies are merging in order to survive. Some results of these mergers: * Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become –> Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace * 3M and Goodyear will merge and become –> MMMGood * FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS to become –> FedUP * Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become –> Fairwell Honeychild * Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge and will call themselves: TittyTittyBangBang

A man, who loved money more than just about anything, said just before he died to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. When he died she did what she had promised, came over with the money box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!” She said, "Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him. "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him??? “I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”

A student once feel asleep in Milton Friedman’s class. Friedman, perturbed, awoke the student and called upon to answer the question he had just asked. The student replied “Well I didn’t hear the question, but the ansser is ‘raise the money supply’”.

“Everything reminds Milton Friedman of the money supply. Everything reminds me of sex, but I try to keep it out of my papers.” Robert Solow

A mathematician and a stock broker go to the races to bet on horses. The broker suggests a bet of $10,000. That’s too much for the mathematician’s taste: First, he wants to understand the rules, have a look at the horses, etc. “Don’t worry”, the broker says. “I know an empirical algorithm that allows me to find the number of the winning horse with absolute certainty.” This does not convince the mathematician. “You are too theoretical!” the broker exclaims and puts his $10,000 on a horse. The horse comes in first - making the broker even richer than he already is. The mathematician is baffled. “What is your algorithm?” he wants to know. “It’s rather easy. I have two children, three and five years old. I add up their ages and bet on that number.” “But three plus five is eight - and that horse had number nine!” “I told you that you’re too theoretical! Didn’t I just experimentally prove that my calculation is correct?!”

what’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? the large pizza can still feed a family of 4…zing!

whats the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? the pizza can feed a family of four

Three economists go hunting. They see a deer and take 2 shots. The first economists shot misses 10 yards left. The second economists shot misses 10 yards right. The third economist says “We hit it!”

^ Wow now that is uncanny. Sign of the times.

Dwight Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > ^ Wow now that is uncanny. Sign of the times. the pizza joke was ripped off from this morning’s globe and mail. at least in my case it was.

A biologist, a physicist and an economist are stuck on a deserted island with nothing to eat but canned food. They are trying to figure out how to open the cans. The biologist says: “Lets use acid from this poison frog to eat a hole in the can”. The physicist says: “Lets use the light refracting from my glasses to but an hole in the can”. The economist says: “Lets just assume a can opener”.

What’s the capital of Iceland? About $20 Iceland was a currency posing as a bank. (the only joke there is Iceland) Quote of the day (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.” Went to Best Buy to get a toaster and they gave me a free bank with purchase.

How wall st. would work… Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’ Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’ The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’ Chuck said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’ The farmer asked, 'What yak going to do with him? Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’ The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’ Chuck said, ‘Sure I can; Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’ A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’ Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.’ The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’ Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’ Chuck now works on Wall Street.

Once upon a time in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and Announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the Forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as Supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers Stopped their effort. The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed The efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But Soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, So people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey Catching. The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys Became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch One. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he Had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his Behalf. While the man was away the assistant told the villagers. ‘Look at all these Monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him For $50 each.’ The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They Never saw the man nor his assistant again and once again there were monkeys Everywhere.

A pickup line I made up while cramming for Level 1. Trader at the bar: Hey baby, I’d be game to go long on some naked options.