Do you have a kid? Would you have a kid? Why or why not?
intentionally stirring the pot here?
No. I’m actually trying to get more conviction into the idea. Wifey is fired up - I’m still a little afraid. I thought it would be interesting to read the opinions of people who have somewhat of a similar background to myself.
wifey is pushing eh? yea when the biological clock rings, those alarm bells are hard to turn off.
I’m guessing you’re early 30’s? How long have you been married?
Not that I’m aware of. Kids are fun but I think there’s a time and place in one’s life when they’re most appropriate. Maybe after I’m married, and hopfeully not before…
Get out of my mind you evil sorcerer!!!
Early 30s, married for 3 years; dated her for waaaay more time than that.
Ugh, children. I don’t particularily like them, ok I don’t like them at all, but assuming I get married some day I guess I’ll have to have a couple. People always say its different when they’re your own kids. Wifey will probably want them, plus what good is building a life of wealth and a potential legacy if you don’t have a family to carry it on.
As lovely as it is to have a wife and the possibilty of a ‘complete family’…I would say if having children is not your thing don’t force it or fake it…ultimately it will be the child that suffers from parents that have children only because of a ticking biological clock…i think the decision to have kids should involve a bit more than biological clockwork or the perception that one should have a child becasuse of some sociobiological habit…damn i sound bitter …but you know what i mean!
in any case , i would hope the ladies in the forum be a bit more active in posting their opinions…there are hardly any girls here …WTF.
i cant afford a kid… but its up there on my wish list
My hubby didn’t wanted any kids when we first we first dated. He didn’t wanted to get married or have kids. but after a while, he wanted to marry me (I didn’t push him. Or maybe I did, because he knew I would leave him if someone comes along who I love and wants to marry me and have kids.) Now we have a two year old. and he is completely crazy about her and want more kids.
My wife always wanted kids, but she wanted to wait a little bit so we could both get more stable financially, etc.
Now she waited enough. I’ve been slowly getting less afraid. I like kids, but it’s easy to like them when you can play with them for half an hour and give them back to their parents.
If you Google “parents are less happy” and “parents are happier” you get a bunch of studies that, overall, seem to point towards parents being less happy, mostly because most parenting work sucks. New studies are counteracting that to some extent though.
However, it may be pretty much like a job. A lot of jobs suck, but having a job you have a better appreciation for your free time, feel more fullfilment and so on… If researchers ask how happy some back office guy is to fill another spreadsheet, this guy will probably say that sucks, but maybe he’s happier overall than someone who plays games all day.
Although I’m not really so sure about the studies’ overall direction. There are mixed results, and most studies suck anyway from biases, agendas, bad samples and what not. So who knows?
The other thing is the effect of kids on happiness once you get old. That seems to be mixed as well, but there’s something nice about the idea of having a big full family with a lot of people to love (or hate) when we’re in old age.
The hardest thing is that we’re pretty happy right now. Will kids change that? Will time change that? With kids? Without them? This is like the biggest bet of all time.
I guess it’s one of those things which you have to answer for yourself…no amount of ‘studies’ will really help that much…
Nearly all people with kids will tell you that once they are in the picture, life revolves around them. Myself, I am a “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it” person.
If you very much enjoy things as they are and don’t want it to change, or don’t want to risk the intimacy and personal time to spend with just the wifey, then a child is probably a bad idea. Almost all your free time will disappear. No more going away on impulse, no more spending a lot of time doing many of the things you like, constant worry about the kid’s safety, education, upbringing, finances, etc. increased responsibility and risk, nearly every decision you make is influenced
Don’t think of kids as a job, that’s a disastrous line of reasoning. You can always quit a job and do something else. You can’t ‘quit’ a kid, because you would be ruining someone’s life. That’s no joke. Having a kid is a massive investment in family, the idea that family will always be there for you in your time of need emotionally or physically. You’re basically dumping a boatload of time, money, and 20 years of your life on something, and maybe it can give you some joy and happiness.
A word of warning is that the stats are very unfavorable. half divorce, and most of the rest stay together but are not truly happy. Having a child is essentially attaching a giant chain and ball to yourself. you can be very happy if it’s where you want to be, but if you find yourself hating it, then…
That’s honestly the path of reason I foresee myself taking. I’m only 23, so the thought of marriage and kids right now pretty much scares the shit out of me. But about viewpoints on kids changing, my uncle just had his first kid about a year ago, and he’s in his mid 40s. He was the perpetual batchelor until a couple of years ago when he got married and he said his son has changed his life indescribably for the better, and now they’re expecting #2.
But first I need to get my life back from work and exams, and then comes the task of finding a woman worthy of actually spending that much time with.
If you’re going to have kids, just make sure you are doing it with the right partner.
Many people are frazzled by being parents, but very few ever seem to regret doing it. You can take a cynical view that this is just some behavioral bias, but over the centuries, people continuously report sacrificing many things - including their lives - for their children, so the feeling and the drive must be something real.
I was a step-father for several years, and although there were definitely things I had to sacrifice in order to do that, I ultimately enjoyed the experience and found it fulfilling.
It helps a lot to feel that you have the financial wherewithal to raise your kids properly (and ideally the time as well); however, that is not always possible and many people - for better or worse - just take a leap of faith.
bchad made a great point. Choosing the right partner to share parenting with is a really big deal. Do you think your partner will be a great mom or dad? Will they step up their game when you had a rough day? Will you for him/her? I’ve only been a parent for a couple of years, but having a good wife along for the ride has made it a lot of fun so far.
Make no mistake, it will take over your life if you’re doing it right, especially in the early years! Enjoy!
Agree with bchad, make sure you’re with a responsible partner. Like everything else important and worth having, raising kids is a constant series of choices to do what is in your family’s best interest. If you have someone who has demonstrated the commitment it takes to constantly make those decisions and you hold up your end of the bargain, it will very likely be a happy,proud and fulfilling experience.
Thank you all for the answers!
I actually think a lot about the behavioral bias possibility. I mean, once a person puts so much effort into something (or a kid) they pretty much gotta love that thing (or the kid) or the cognitive cost may be too high. I don’t really believe in this, not with a strong conviction anyway, but that’s a thought that crosses my mind from time to time.
We have the basic checklist down. Great partner (also she works with kids since she was a teenager), finances are good enough and we know each other pretty well, have the same views on how a kid should be raised, etc. Time is a pretty big constraint for both of us, but we have ways to free more time in the future.
But even if we may not be exposed to some of the most common difficulties, we will have to deal with all that reality that can be read in iteracom’s post. “If it ain’t broke…” is actually the argument that still holds me back the most on the final decision.
I’m probably gonna take that leap of faith, but it’s good to go with a sense of reality so I won’t be extremely surprised by the huge amount of work, all the worries and what not.
I personally cannot wait to have kids. I need to get that wedding thing out of the way first (her F.O.B Italian father and Jewish mother insist). Actually, if you asked me then I wouldn’t really have a wedding, just sign some papers and move ahead with the kids. Weddings are such a waste, especially ridiculous NY ones. Glad I’m not the planner…seriously, if somebody asks me what kind of ruffles I prefer I want to say salt and vinegar.