Right. long story cut short…met a girl about 3 months back.Lots of attraction,easy conversation…lovely girl. made out during a drunken night but there were too many people for more to happen. asked her out,she turned me down and said i should remain a friend.Next day i get a text saying “i’m drunk and i was wondering if you could pick me up”…i say why?..she say’s “i think i might get raped”…i was completely blown away but thought it was bullshit so i let it go…i said if you really feel like that call me later and i’ll pick you up. next day comes and she asks me to forget what happened yesterday.i’m not wired like that however.I figure something is of,and finally get the whole story. she was dating a guy for 3 years,got raped during that time and said boyfriend went insane and told her she deserved it.he also became crazy and stalkarish. needless to say a completely sad state of affairs. now before i was on the scene,for about 8 months she knew a guy who was helping her get over this.during a drunk night before i told her i liked her she hooked up with him and they have a friends with benefits thing going on.she isn’t ready to let anyone in and he’s head over heels for her.he gives her some serenity and calm i think and i know she feels nothing for him though she wishes she could Now i mentioned she’s a lovely girl and when she’s sober she’s told me numerous times to move on and how she doesn’t want to fuck with my head.when she’s drunk and her inhibitions are down then well she’s giving clear cut signals. it’s a bloody mess but iv’e decided to give it till december,everything iv’e got and if it doesn’t happen then keep her as a friend and move on…however i need idea’s and “play’s”…what’s the best thing i can do here?
the only thing i can think of is be her friend and by dec tell her again and if she’s still not ready then well just accept that i did all i could and move on.
i know this is an analyst forum,not the place probably but you all are smart people…maybe someone has been here before?i’m kind of at a loss here…
For Fux sake, run! Amazing how insecure analytical people are. You need to be more confident in yourself and realize females are like a commodity these days. It’s not exactly difficult to meet, date, and whatnot with a lovely girl.
Don’t be her doormat cuddle bitch. Man up and realize there are a ton of women who’d love to replace her by having your eye.
I don’t see what’s wrong with waiting until December to see if she changes her mind then. Just don’t get emotionally invested, and make sure you cultivate other options in the mean time. Also, in any case, the situation is different depending on whether you are looking to just hook up, or to become involved in a meaningful relationship. In the latter case, perhaps you should find someone who has less baggage and is less prone to making bad decisions.
I disagree with the other people in this thread. I’m not a knight in shining armor, but I don’t think it’s right that everyone says ‘damaged goods’ and run over something she cannot control (rape). I would tell you that it’s obvious she is very emotionally damaged. If you only want to blow her brains out then you should move on, because more than a few dates (read days) is too many. It’s a good idea to be her friend for more time before you try anything and see if she’s actually worth all the effort. That doesn’t mean drop everything till then.
* You can’t be her friend because you are too physically attracted to her. You will effectively be her friend because you are hoping for more, which basically means you are a superficial friend at best and a false friend at worst.
* You shouldn’t get involved with her emotionally because she’s so screwed up from this stuff that she can only screw you up too.
* You could perhaps do her when she’s drunk and lonely, but that’s likely to screw her up even more and is not a nice thing to knowingly do to someone. I say it’s better to take the high road on that and don’t make her life worse than it already is.
The best you can do is suggest a good therapist to try to work out those kinds of issues. It sounds silly, but it’s really just like physical therapy for the soul, which can get so demoralized by those kinds of events. A year from now, if she’s done that (gone to therapy), maybe you can consider more.
It probably isn’t her fault she’s damaged, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take it into account when evaluating your options. She’ll get it all figured out eventually, but being the dude who she uses to get it figured out probably isn’t an ideal situation.
Agree with this. I personally would not wait around for this to clear up, but if he has already been dogging her for 3 months I figure there is some kind of possible value in the end. It wasn’t the individual responses that I disagree with as much as the entire collective. I just feel bad for people who are emotionally hurt by things they can’t control (childhood abuse, rape, etc).
That being said I do think it’s not natural for someone who was raped to be out late at night stalking bars and making out with random men (read dangerous). Shouldn’t she have a little trust issues? I don’t know if I’m boiling this down to a very simplistic aftermath of that scenario, but I would expect her to be more guarded.
@Lxwarr - there’s a rabid dog that bites everyone that gets within 50 yards of him in my neighborhood. Do you think I should take it in as a pet? It’s not the dog’s fault that it got rabies.
Admittedly, this is an extreme example, but hopefully you get the point. Doesn’t matter whether it’s her fault or not. It’s still a bad idea.
And +1 to BChad and CvM. Don’t “hit it and quit it.” That would pretty low. Would probably make things worse for her. And it might make things worse for you, too.
