Gay coworker. Should I confront him?

There’s a guy at work that I regularly see at the gym after work. We acknowledge each other at work if we see each other in the hallways or elevator. At the gym, we talk for a few moments whenever we bump into each other. The conversation is always polite and respectful. He’s a good friend with the vice president.

A few weekends ago, I was at a bachelor party. One of the stops was at a gay bar for a drink. My coworker was at the bar wearing extremely tight black leather pants. I was surprised to see him because I didn’t think he was gay. He seemed quite embarassed when he saw me there (I was with 15 other guys) and rudely asked me what I was doing at the bar. I replied that this was one among many stops of the bachelor party. He then quickly ran off to his table without saying bye. He was sitting alone with another guy (not sure if the other guy was a boyfriend, a male mistress or simply a friend).

The waitress then brought us to a table next to the coworker. The group I was with was very loud and we were tanked by that time of the night. They might have yelled out a few anti gay rants and slurs. I only knew half the people at the party and didn’t know these guys. I’m not sure if the coworker heard those comments because he left before we finished our drink.

The last 2 weeks at work have been ackward. First, I don’t see him at the gym anymore. Odd, considering he’s a fitness freak. Second, he intentionally took another elevator the other day (he thought I didn’t see because there were a few people waiting for the elevator but from the corner of my eye I noticed). Last, although he works in another department, he always hands me in person a report every month. For the first time in his year and a half working with us, he sent me the report via PDF.

The longer this drags out, the more ackward this will get. Should I just call him up and talk things over by reassuring him I won’t tell anyone where I saw him? Or is this none of my business and if he wants to ignore me I should careless? If he wasn’t close to the vice president I wouldn’t care, but that’s something that can hurt me for future promotions.

reassuring him you won’t tell anyone is somewhat presumptuous that he is hidden deep in the closet and uncomfortable with you knowing. he might get offended at the suggestion even if that is the case. he can be simply openly gay without walking around in drag in the office - don’t phrase it as “I’ll keep your dirtly little secret.”

perhaps he heard some of the slurs coming from the crowd or simply got a not-so-welcoming vibe from a drunken heterosexual group of guys on a bachelor party. i think it’s perfectly OK for you to talk to him as a coworker and metion that you’ve noticed a change in his behavior and reassure him you two are cool - that type of conversation doesnt even have to bring up the gay bar. also give yourself another week or so to make sure you’re not just imagining change in behavior for some reason - there are many reasonable explanations for someone missing at the gym, etc.

Damn, I think I’m too old school to stop by a gay bar for a drink. (Nothing wrong with being gay)

You should keep this in a file and save it for a rainy day. I hope you took pictures of him in the tight, black, leather pants?

Ask yourself, what would Machiavelli do?

If it were me, I would go talk to him.

Everyone’s a little gay

Straight guys go to gay bars during bacherlor parties now? Wow, things have a changed.

I’ve seen a lot of trolls in my time and this without question is one of the best. You told a truly riveting tale centered around the gays, which everyone has an opinion about today. It was wellwritten, inciteful, and I want to believe it. Sir, I would like the opportunity to be your mentee. I tip my cap to you for the best troll ever on AF, even topping Watersports Guy which was back ~2005.

It was one of the many activities.



Brazilian restaurant

Regular bars

Gay Bar

Strip club


What would you do? Wait outside until the group comes back out? It’s in the gay village, so if you’re uneasy about being around people with different sexual orientation than you, you’re safer in the bar with 14 heterosexual friends than waiting outside.

Sometimes I feel if I were life would be a little easier.

I wish it was all made up or that we went somewhere where no coworker was present. I’ll take your compliment regardless.

I know, right? Maybe all the kids are doing it these days?

Anyhow I’d have a few casual words with the dude. You know “sorry if my crew said anything offensive, they were loaded for bach-party celebration”, or whatever. The whole thing is amusing, sounds like a Seinfeld episode, something George would get himself into…

I think the tension hints at some degree of latent homosexuality. I think you should ask him out and see where things go from there. cool

I agree. Since when did going ‘to a gay bar’ part of a normal thing for a straight guy.

Maybe there’s a closet even you didn’t know existed…

Learn from my mistake…

Why the F did your group want to go to a gay bar, chill out, get drunk, then decide to belch out anti gay slurs? That would be like me rolling up to a Klan meeting with a bottle of Henny, getting drunk, then shouting sht like honkey, cracka, and whitey.

^ Maybe because it was not a democratic vote? After getting out of a regular bar, the best friend jumped into a cab with the bachelor and 2 other guys and then said follow us. The group followed in separate cabs and then when we arrived the guys in the first cab all entered the gay bar. So the rest just followed. It was spontaneous. Not sure if there was a fixed itinerary beforehand. I’m not the organizer, I just tagged along midday when they were bowling.

Maybe the bachelor lost a bet at the first bar we were at? I don’t know the circumstances behind the decision.

reminds me of why I’m such a lonely independent and happy at that.

How was the go-karting?