Next time you see him at the gym, offer to spot him when he does heavy squats. Show him that youre “cool” with it.
I had a gay roommate in college and we got along great. The whole trick there is to basically let them know that you don’t care and treat them the same way you treat every other human being. It turns out, gays are humans just like you and me. Who knew?
And yeah, keep that info for a rainy day. If he is seriously closeted at work, you can make him into an ally. Could be useful.
I remember that!
Be careful about making that “eye contact”… in the locker room… at a gay bar…
Don’t say, “No Homo.” He might not take it well.
I’d talk to him, and just say you haven’t noticed him at the gym lately and ask if everything’s ok. If he doesn’t say much, just say you thought he seemed uncomfortable around you and apologize if your friends did anything to make him feel that way. I will say this, I’ve had a decent number of gay friends in the past and as someone pointed out earlier, you don’t want to assume it’s a big secret, but you also want to be clear you’re respectful of whatever level of privacy they would like. Also, it was a pretty uncool to have a bunch of guys acting fratty and saying rude sh*t or slurs in a gay bar, regardless of how drunk they were. I’m pretty sure those dudes go there to get away from that sort of behavior.
Frats and fratty behavior are the gayest thing I know.
I agree with OHai and Black Swan, but disagree with BS about the particulars.
This is a tricky situation Former Trader. If I was you, I’d approach him and force a conversation. The key is to NOT mention the gay thing/bar spotting/awkward behavior AT ALL. He is embarrased or angry (depending if he heard those insults, it doesn’t matter). What you need to do is establish the fact that you seeing him at the bar had no impact on your perception of him – which is why not mentioning it is key. But when you act friendly again, it’ll slowly make him feel less awkward if he is embarassed. You want to re-establish rapport and this is the way to do it. When he emails the PDF, you go and say “Hey buddy, I noticed X Y Z in this report. Have a chance to talk about it?” and then of course divovle into whatever small talk you used to have.
Now if this method doesn’t work, I would reasonably conclude he is angry and heard the remarks or just *very* awkward about it. That’s a seperate and trickier situation, but I think it’s still solvable and would be more akin to BS’s advice.
I don’t think you need much mentoring buddy 
For those who use the word “mentee” for the junior party in a mentor relationship, the proper word is “protégée”.
Inciteful means “able to incite;” insightful means “full of insights.”
This. Just blow him and get it over with.
Yeah, that sounded a little…
Just so I’m clear, the bachelor party you were in went to a gay bar, I’m assuming to be ironic, then proceeded to get blasted and by the end of the night you all may or may not have been shouting insensitive remarks to the very group you intruded on?
My guess is your coworker is avoiding you because you’re a complete a-hole.
^^^^^Yeah, I mean, I didn’t want to come out and say it, but this. Your friends sound like total peices of sh*t, and it doesn’t bode well for you give that we’re often a reflection of our friends^^^^^
Why would you confront someone about his sexuality? How would you like it if someone confronted you about your gender?
This. The fact that he’s (presumably) gay should have nothing to do with it. The fact that you were part of a group that most likely insulted him is what needs to be addressed.
It’s simple - apologize for the group’s behaviour. It should be no different than if you and your friends were at a regular bar, and you saw a female coworker and your buddies started to make crude remarks. I’m sure you’d apologize for their behaviour the next time you saw her.
The post is not about confronting the coworker about his sexuality; it’s about confronting him about why that coworker has been avoiding the OP since the incident.
“Confront” is a poor choice of worlds. The OP is really looking for a conversation and a reconciliation (I assume), and a chance to say “sorry about my friends, they were a-holes, and I was unfortunately too weak to ask them to stop. I want you to know that I truly regret what happened and would like to continue being friends if that is still possible.”
If you don’t want to say this person to person or can’t figure out the right way to approach him face-to-face, you can also write a note to him and say more or less the same thing. You can leave out the details of the event, such that a third party reading the note wouldn’t know what you are talking about but he will. Then put it in his mailbox or leave it at his desk.
There are plenty of people on this forum that will scoff and make jokes at your expense for doing this, but it is the right, decent thing to do, and most likely will be appreciated and have the effect that you want. Part of being a man is having the strength to standing up for what is right and decent - what the ancients called virtue - even in the face of possible ridicule. You didn’t live up to that standard on bachelor-party night, but you can still make good by striving to be the man that you really want to be.
Now all I can hear are steel drums.
I hate steel drums. One of the silliest instruments in the world, along with the vibraphone.
bchad’s use of notes in social situations is legendary, but i advocate face-to-face interaction unless you want to take this to uncharted territory of akwardness.
also, dont rush in to apologize for your friends, your actions or anything you *think* might be the cause for his behavior, dont overthink this to that level. a simple way to handle it is to just state your factual obsevations - ‘hey bro I havent seen you at the gym lately, you didnt hand me that report the way you normally do - is there something wrong, are we cool?’, then leave it to him to explain his actions if he feels the need to. the key is that you made an effort towards reconciliation
I said leave a note if you can’t figure out how to do it face to face.
If anti-gay slurs were in fact coming out of your associates’ mouths after having voluntarily and knowingly gone to a gay bar, then you need to apologise for not trying to get them to stop, or at the very least something to let the guy know that you do not support and were embarrased by their behavior, and regret having been a part of it. Do this whether or not the guy’s behavior change is because of that; it’s simply the right thing to do, assuming you actually feel that way.
Otherwise you’re just saying “You’re gay and so you have to expect this kind of behavior from people like me and my buddies. Now, let’s be friends again.” Not likely to go over well.
Hmm. I must say that “how do I reconcile with my gay friend” is not the sort of healthy discussion that one would expect to find on a finance/CFA forum.
Anyway, seems to me that you know what happened and the gay coworker knows what he saw/heard from your group. The right thing to do would be to talk to him face to face. Say that you are ashamed of your group’s behavior and hope that he forgives you for not calling them out. If you want to leave a note, fine, but you must still talk to him in person after that. It does not matter if you are/were an asshole that night. You would be apologizing for something in either case - either you being an asshole, or your other friends being assholes.