Online dating

Hey guys - have any of you or your friends tried online dating, and if so, how has that worked out?

I’m newly single as of a few weeks ago, and actually it’s the first time in years since I’ve been single in New York. Break-ups are never any fun and I had dated my ex-girlfriend for over a year. Fortunately, a number of my friends (both male and female) have been pretty proactive about wanting to set me up with their single female friends, so much so that I simply don’t have time to meet up with everyone. I’m starting to think that it’s pretty nice to be a late-20’s or early 30’s single male professional in this city.

The benefit of being introduced to someone through a mutual friend is that there’s more upfront “trust” – I guess the thought is that if a friend wants to introduce me to one of her friends, there’s more of a chance that she’s a fun, normal girl (i.e. not crazy). Perhaps she thinks the same about me. On the other hand, I’ve learned from dating my last ex-girlfriend that it can get pretty messy when we have a bunch of mutual friends and acquaintances. I don’t know what to say or which ones I should hang out with after a break-up like this.

That’s where online dating could come into play – you can meet a bunch of people outside your immediate social circle, and if things don’t work out, there aren’t major negative consequences (at least that I can think of). I’ve never tried one of these sites before but some of my friends tell me it is possible to meet normal girls, and oftentimes they’re “down to play” too. Anyway, I’m curious to hear people’s perspectives here. Any thoughts fellas?

Nothing wrong with online dating. If you care about a woman’s thought process, it’s nice to get a sense of what it’s like before you actually decide to start talking to her. Obviously, everyone’s trying to present themselves as well as possible, but there’s quite a range - you can often get a sense about whether someone is confident, fun, traditional, shy, or whatever.

Photos are almost always more attractive than the person you end up meeting. Some people think this is deception, but - quite honestly - one should expect that the photos that get put up online would be the better or best ones that are available, and not a good representation of what someone looks like as they are rushing back from a long day at work, so it’s important to lower expectations in the looks department, relative to what you see online. That said, there are some people who clearly lie about their age or post photos from 5-10 years ago or whatnot, so some of it is deceptive.

I’ve heard women complain that men also lie about their job and hair, weight, and - surprisingly - their height. I guess both men and women don’t wan’t to be summarily dismissed because of some feature, so how one comes clean about it is important.

If you have a wide variety of social activities, you may not need online dating. If you like a particular religious or ethnic group, it can be nice to have a site dedicated to them.

I had a five year relationship with someone I met on an online site. Ultimately, it didn’t work out, but that had nothing to do with it having started online.

Also, in my experience, the best connections tend to be the first ones you make - probably when the attraction is strong, you start talking quickly. I found myself thinking “maybe I shouldn’t stop at the very first one I meet,” but often the first one-to-three people are the most appealing of the bunch. After a while, you log in and you see the same faces and it starts to feel a little dry.

the b has spoken

Good perspectives, bchadwick. Thanks for the insights. What motivated you to join online dating in the first place? Are you still on it these days? How much back and forth e-mails did you do before meeting the person, i.e. what was sufficient to determine whether or not that person was date-worthy?

Anyone else? Slow day on the forums? Does everyone here have Columbus Day off except me?

Itercom had a good post about online dating awhile back. I’ve found more quality people in social interactions than online.

Femael online dating profiles represent who they want to be, not who they are. That’s important to keep in mind.

Also, the social circle game works becuase of a concept known as propinquity. It’s basically social proximity.

I don’t like it. I have been able to find a handfull of women that are DTF which is fun but I really haven’t been able to develop a relationship more substansive then that.

Well actually I did meet one girl but it didnt work out. I think online dating is great in terms of a source of potential dates, its pretty easy to get dates but the quality of those dates isn’t ao great. I prefer picking up women in real life as I feel the connection is better.

Honestly, I am beginning to think CT is right, women past the age of 26-27 are single for a reason. Of course I am not perfect either, lol.

Propinquity or not, dating a lot within your social circle can become awkward, particularly if you stay within that circle after you get married. I have a friend who can’t attend another friend’s Christmas party with his wife because he “dated” too many women at the party. This is yet another example of where we need to look to the wizdom of George Costanza: the worlds of Relationship George and Independent George can never collide.

oh georgie…

Online dating is a good complement to meeting people through the traditional route. Not a substitute, but complement.

In the early 2000’s, I ended up dating a couple girls who I knew from playing World of Warcraft.

For starters, they looked nothing like the beautiful blue and purple colored lean Elven women they potrayed themselves to be. Secondly, they looked nothing like the photos they sent me.

Business Plan: We start a dating website, where you ‘have to’ take pictures of yourself that are just run of the mill normal… like when waking up, wearing sweatpants… etc’… and only then, after someone accepts you, are they allowed to see the ‘premium pictures’ that everyone puts up when they look the best.

courtney stodden found her husband through online dating she’s 18 now - but was 16 when she married a then 51 year old Doug Hutchinson game set match.

But you can use propinquity in places other than your social circles. You could actually create social circles specifically for dating purposes ha ha

My sister in law just got married to someone she met through online dating. If I remember correctly, she went on a handful of dates before meeting her husband. I’ve also got a friend who’s with her partner of about 4 years that she met online dating. These people are all normal and not in any way weird so I would definitely recommend it as a way to meet people. If I was single again, that’s what I would do. Throw yourself out there and see what happens and treat it as a bit of fun.

The only other thing I’ve done before is to sign up for salsa classes. You meet women at the classes but also when you go out to Salsa clubs it’s easy to meet women through the pretext of needing a dancing partner. For me, I’ve never been one to just go up to women in bars so this kind of approach has been necessary.

Good luck with it mate.

How is salsa going, CleverCFA?

I haven’t really practiced my moves in about 4-5 years. I’m married with kids now so the opportunity and need to go to salsa bars isn’t really there anymore.

I developed some pretty impressive moves though by the end of it, though I could never get the foot timing thing down (I’ve got a single-threaded brain process so couldn’t work the moves and work to a beat at the same time). I like to think that my awesome moves more than compensated for my lack of footwork ability though.

I didn’t like it when I tried online dating. Everything feels too much like an interview for an open position. Somewhat business like. Also, the difference between what most people look like in their pictures and in real life is astounding. It’s funny looking through people’s online photo albums because it’s like watching them age in a time lapse film with the more recent photos at the end.

Banged an 18 year old model I met on a Russian dating site once. This was in India and I think she was just happy to meet someone her age, white, who could speak Russian. She’d be a 9 in the US, 7 in Russia.

Agreed. I tried it for a bit, but got tired real quick. Reaching out wasn’t too bad, usually got a decent response rate. Just hated having to keep pace with all the follow-up messages. Both can be a little time consuming though. Always had good success when we finally met, but never really found anyone that I liked enough to pursue. That said, I’d still go for it numi and keep the online thing as just another tool in the belt. I still have my profile up and do check it every now and then just in case.

My strategy now is just to make a few hot female friends and play off their network.

Another angle I’ve heard that can work very well is having a gay friend… an acquaintance told me about it and said his gay friend took him to a few gay bars where there are apparently tons of chicks and no competition. The girls also like knowing that you’re somewhat comfortable in that situation. Warning: should not try that alone…

Need to work on those strategies.

I’ve had a profile up for too long now (9 months) but haven’t been active recently. I met one girl off the site at a bar in the spring, and an hour later we were in bed, so that worked out just fine, but other then that it hasn’t really panned out. Maybe I’m just in a bad city for it. When I was up in Chicago for work, I’d pull up the mobile app and see the active locals and there were so many hot women on there. Way better then where I live (another very large city but not NYC or Chicago type).